I'm so excited!!! The creme de al creme of catalogs Hammacher Schlemmer has arrived! This catalog is an amazing collection of items to make all of our lives easier and more fun if only we fork over a third of our bank accounts. There are so many things in this catalog that I simply must have!! First I'll order the "Authentic Scottish Chanter". This indispensible item is the precursor to learning to play the most spectacular instrument ever-the bagpipes. I can't wait for it to come. The family is gonna love the haunting echo of the chanter throughout the old homestead. Erie the elkhound would probably stroke out as I opened the box (bad news-I can not sue PECO for his demise if this happens). We never see Coco the cat a.k.a. White Lightning this would guarantee we'd never see her again-she might even stroke out next to Erie.If she did I'd invite you all over so you could see what she actually looks like when she's not leaving the room, maybe I'll even have her stuffed!
Nothing bothers Frank the cat or Kody the other Elkie . Frank would just jump into the box and pop a paw out at Kody every time he passed. By the time I'm done learning(or someone clubs me with a hockey stick) we'll all know how EC feels when he has a migraine. This would be an excellent way to explain to non-migraneurs what a migraine feels like. Oooh- I could record the chanter on a cd and sell for ONLY $.24.99. I'll call it something like "Chanting 'til Your Head Hurts" I could even cross market it as non toxic pest,pet and kid repellant. Thanks Hammacher Schlemmer!
The chanter is of a fun little diversion, but the big gun of my list is the ingenious "14 mph Cooler". What have I done all my life without this item?! For only $500 I can fill a cooler with a case of beer and 8lbs of ice and ride it to the neighbor's party, the bank or really useful-the beer distributor for a refill. Not only that, there's a drink holder between my legs so I don't actually have to stop drinking while I run errands!! More good news it has the handling of a golf cart! Wow, now there's statistic that'll make you feel safer while your reaching into the cooler (through the cup holder) for another cold one on your way to to the beer distributor for a refill . In case you can't picture this splendid vehicle it pretty much resembles a cooler bolted to a 3 wheel scooter.If you want a cushioned seat and backrest that'll be $29.99 (a bargain). Flames, racing stripes and spoilers are available for just bit more(ok, not true but they ought to offer supe-up kits!). Listen up boys and girls-if I'm going to buy a $500 cooler it ought to come with a freakin' seat-I mean you have to be kidding. That's like buying a car and having to pay extra for the steering wheel! The whole thing was a better idea before I saw the seat was extra but why let a little thing like that delay my purchase. I wonder if I need a license and registration for this puppy?
As soon as I get the helmet/radar detector on page 26 look for me to tool over to party (or wrecking in a shrub)near you! Thanks again Hammacher Schlemmer-You Rock!!!!