This blog may come off a little (just maybe) cranky. Things have been challenging at our house to say the least. It would probably be easier to and less painful to have your wisdom teeth pulled out(no anesthesia) then shoved up your butt and pulled out your ear. There's a pretty picture and a great topic for a U Tube video. I gotta get me a facebook!!!
Anyway, a discussion occured at bible study small group that has been bothering me and I thought I'd let it bug you too(aren't I the generous friend). R-E-S-P-E-C-T . Not the Aretha Franklin tune,it's jammin' though, the attitude. An older woman in the group remarked that kids have no respect for others anymore. A number of other woman agreed and then the dicussion turned to the fact that some schools are teaching Respect as a course in school and how truly awesome this was because the little monsters all just need it soooo bad. Here's my problem with this (you knew I'd get to it) I do not think you teach respect-you earn respect. You can teach manners,tolerance,empathy and thoughtfulness. All these things can be exhibited even though you don't respect someone-it's called self control. But for another person to respect you you must first treat them with manners,thoughtfulness and understanding. This does not mean deciding that a kid whose pants hang off his ass (on purpose) is a disrespectful person and staring at him like he needs to get to some kind of rehab. My guess is if you looked at me the way you're looking at him I'd think about flipping the bird at you too! Of course I could just be hostile. Teachers, same thing, embarrassing a kid ,calling attention to his faults and shortcomings and yelling at him in class will not get you respect-dude, he knows you expect the worst of him and he'll give it to you everytime (unless his self control is better than mine). I spend so much time with teenagers. I ski with them, talk to them and hang with them and with rare exception no matter what they appear to be on the outside they are actually near civilized beings on the inside. If they let you know they were completely civilized you might try to get in on their fun(thus ruining it).I think they don't want you to know their secret so you'll leave them alone but they're really civilized in there-they know how to act and they're pretty much waiting for you to invite them to show you. Even those kids who have (gasp!) 2 working parents! Jeez most of us my age had 2 parents who worked and I'm old! So the next time you people(ooh I love that phrase) want to blanketly decide that kids have no respect I suggest you think about how you are treating them first . Just take a minute and see if you face says "hoodlum"and hope they're not thinking "narrow minder geezer" about you. I bet it makes a difference in how you act and they respond. Go ahead it doesn't hurt too much!
I'm sure not every one will want to take this chance, it's risky you could get dissed(see wikipedia)-thats okay-I have a bunch of fresh new voodoo dolls just waiting to have your face drawn on them.
Friday, September 26, 2008
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Where are they ?
Things are missing.
Everybody loses things-you set them down and forget where you put them. Later you find them in the fridge(keys),the pantry(salad-very wilted salad) or in the couch(mostly the kids stuff & remote controls). These are not the things I'm missing.
And just for reference neither is my mind(shut up all of you!!!).
I'm talking socks and earrings. At one time or another I had 2 of each of these-dude that's why they call it a pair. Suddenly with out warning I only have one. I'm not talking about a couple freakin' pairs separated from their counterparts. I'm talking nearly every time I wear a pair of earrings the next time I go to wear them one is missing.I'm half expecting the mice we're catching under this sink to be wearing my bling when their little lives are so rudely interrupted. Years ago I even had an extra hole put in one ear just because I had tendency for this to happen(no not having mice where my jewelry). This is coming in handy I can now wear 3 completely different earrings since I have no two alike. Not the most stable mainstream fashion statement.
The socks present another problem. I know it's anal but I like to match my socks with my outfit.Go ahead and snicker-you probably only wear white socks you chickens!! I am bold and brave! Missing a sock is not the biggest problem in the winter but in summer you can see them ! I've tried wearing 2 different socks. First I matched 1 to my underwear and one to my outfit. This created an awkward moment when someone pointed out that I had on 2 different socks and wanted to know why. Men seemed to appreciate matching a sock to underwear since they can't match anything-witness black pants /brown belt, not mention assorted plaid on stripe ensembles. Maybe they were just imagining my underwear.Whatever. Women conversely, seemed amused and a little bit concerned I had gone around the bend. Also, being ever practical they wondered- why not just wear white socks? Chickens!
Of course you're thinking," They're at her other house!" Yes, I thought of that-so everytime we go up I make a mental note to look at my socks and jewelry when I get there and see if any singles there match any singles here. Sort of like match dot com for accessories.Hmm there's thought. Anyway once I get there I can't remember what is missing so I bring home anything I have only one of and discover- yippee- I still only have one of them it's just in a different house!
Perhaps the answer is to make a list before I go. However being list impaired is another of my many issues(oh like you don't have any). I would never remember to bring the list with me.
There is hope for me though. Last time we went to NY I lost an entire bag of matching jewelry!
I've decided it's easier to have none than one(this may apply to children and animals as well).
Speaking of animals ,YC says there's a dead vole in the livingroom(Thanks Frank the cat!).I'd better go see if it's wearing one of my gold hoops.
Everybody loses things-you set them down and forget where you put them. Later you find them in the fridge(keys),the pantry(salad-very wilted salad) or in the couch(mostly the kids stuff & remote controls). These are not the things I'm missing.
And just for reference neither is my mind(shut up all of you!!!).
I'm talking socks and earrings. At one time or another I had 2 of each of these-dude that's why they call it a pair. Suddenly with out warning I only have one. I'm not talking about a couple freakin' pairs separated from their counterparts. I'm talking nearly every time I wear a pair of earrings the next time I go to wear them one is missing.I'm half expecting the mice we're catching under this sink to be wearing my bling when their little lives are so rudely interrupted. Years ago I even had an extra hole put in one ear just because I had tendency for this to happen(no not having mice where my jewelry). This is coming in handy I can now wear 3 completely different earrings since I have no two alike. Not the most stable mainstream fashion statement.
The socks present another problem. I know it's anal but I like to match my socks with my outfit.Go ahead and snicker-you probably only wear white socks you chickens!! I am bold and brave! Missing a sock is not the biggest problem in the winter but in summer you can see them ! I've tried wearing 2 different socks. First I matched 1 to my underwear and one to my outfit. This created an awkward moment when someone pointed out that I had on 2 different socks and wanted to know why. Men seemed to appreciate matching a sock to underwear since they can't match anything-witness black pants /brown belt, not mention assorted plaid on stripe ensembles. Maybe they were just imagining my underwear.Whatever. Women conversely, seemed amused and a little bit concerned I had gone around the bend. Also, being ever practical they wondered- why not just wear white socks? Chickens!
Of course you're thinking," They're at her other house!" Yes, I thought of that-so everytime we go up I make a mental note to look at my socks and jewelry when I get there and see if any singles there match any singles here. Sort of like match dot com for accessories.Hmm there's thought. Anyway once I get there I can't remember what is missing so I bring home anything I have only one of and discover- yippee- I still only have one of them it's just in a different house!
Perhaps the answer is to make a list before I go. However being list impaired is another of my many issues(oh like you don't have any). I would never remember to bring the list with me.
There is hope for me though. Last time we went to NY I lost an entire bag of matching jewelry!
I've decided it's easier to have none than one(this may apply to children and animals as well).
Speaking of animals ,YC says there's a dead vole in the livingroom(Thanks Frank the cat!).I'd better go see if it's wearing one of my gold hoops.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Momentary Lapse of Reason
THERE ARE DIRTBIKES IN MY YARD !
Those of you who know me also know that I previously stated vehemently(and apparently hipocritically) that this would never,NEVER happen. All dirtbikes were to remain at the NY house. The lovely,rural,ungardened,cow littered NY house. They could only be ridden in a place where it would be tolerated by the neighbors(mostly) and during certain hours of the day.
It started innocently enough-we were invited to go away with A's family to her brother's cabin in the wilderness of Pa. Here we would be able to ride the bikes on 300 acres of prime dirtbike terrain with actual permission(how 'bout the apples?). Alas,due to circumstances beyond my control that trip did not happen. Now, I'm a caring and thoughtful Mom(in between the yelling and beatings) and I could feel their disappointment and sadness and I of course wanted to fix it(DUH!). Now you also know I'm a complete idiot. In addition to the Autobahn of Exton in the front yard we now have the Exton MX dirt track in the backyard. I will say they are learning many wonderful things at the expense of our grass; physics,mechanical engineering,botany,first aid and cinematography. This is the only way to look at it (ok rationalize it!). Actually, it's pretty cool once you get over the fact that there is a mud ring around the entire yard and jumps built out of compost piles. My method of denial is to only look at my gardens when I look out the window( I was never a big fan of grass anyway) . I also think how well tilled it'll be for reseeding later this fall and how I'm not pulling any weeds from the garden path because they've all been yanked out of the ground by nubby tires. And as a special bonus I remind myself that the police have not yet shown up!See it's all good! The dirtbikes will go back to NY in mid October and while I will be greatful for the quiet and the lawn- I will miss them. I will miss bikes flying through the air both with and without boys on them(don't ask-this maybe where the first aid lessons come in). I will miss boys working together to do something they like and sharing their fun with friends who have never biked. And I will especially miss the inventions like the helmet cam-although I suspect the rabbits and whatever that thing was that popped up from under the bridge was, will be relieved(as will our neighbors) that they are no longer being filmed for posting on Facebook, I for one will be sad to see them go.(OH but go they will- I'm not that delusional!!!)
Those of you who know me also know that I previously stated vehemently(and apparently hipocritically) that this would never,NEVER happen. All dirtbikes were to remain at the NY house. The lovely,rural,ungardened,cow littered NY house. They could only be ridden in a place where it would be tolerated by the neighbors(mostly) and during certain hours of the day.
It started innocently enough-we were invited to go away with A's family to her brother's cabin in the wilderness of Pa. Here we would be able to ride the bikes on 300 acres of prime dirtbike terrain with actual permission(how 'bout the apples?). Alas,due to circumstances beyond my control that trip did not happen. Now, I'm a caring and thoughtful Mom(in between the yelling and beatings) and I could feel their disappointment and sadness and I of course wanted to fix it(DUH!). Now you also know I'm a complete idiot. In addition to the Autobahn of Exton in the front yard we now have the Exton MX dirt track in the backyard. I will say they are learning many wonderful things at the expense of our grass; physics,mechanical engineering,botany,first aid and cinematography. This is the only way to look at it (ok rationalize it!). Actually, it's pretty cool once you get over the fact that there is a mud ring around the entire yard and jumps built out of compost piles. My method of denial is to only look at my gardens when I look out the window( I was never a big fan of grass anyway) . I also think how well tilled it'll be for reseeding later this fall and how I'm not pulling any weeds from the garden path because they've all been yanked out of the ground by nubby tires. And as a special bonus I remind myself that the police have not yet shown up!See it's all good! The dirtbikes will go back to NY in mid October and while I will be greatful for the quiet and the lawn- I will miss them. I will miss bikes flying through the air both with and without boys on them(don't ask-this maybe where the first aid lessons come in). I will miss boys working together to do something they like and sharing their fun with friends who have never biked. And I will especially miss the inventions like the helmet cam-although I suspect the rabbits and whatever that thing was that popped up from under the bridge was, will be relieved(as will our neighbors) that they are no longer being filmed for posting on Facebook, I for one will be sad to see them go.(OH but go they will- I'm not that delusional!!!)
Monday, September 15, 2008
A Bed Full of Change
Wow! I'll take a deep breath and say it again "WOW!"
It has been a really long time since I've sat down to write. I realized I haven't taken the time to write since before we drove out West. I'd love to be able to regale you all with stories of our near calamities and tell you that this was the trip from H E double hockey sticks(and had hockey sticks been brought along it might have not gone quite the same way) but it wasn't. Aside from the post traumatic stress addled Vietnam Vet(who was clearly medicating with Budweiser) that accused EC of setting off the fireworks in the distance an tried to shove the husband (who was being remarkably calm I might add)in to our fire pit, the trip was fabulous. Sure it had compromises like not using the bathroom for at least 10 hrs after YC had innocently said "I'm going to use the bathroom". This was obviously code for "Call the EPA". How one 12 yr old boy can create one of greatest rolling chemical warfare assaults on earth is beyond me. At least we could roll up our windows and shut the bathroom door(ok we HAD to) the natural world was powerless to stop the assault. I'm sure I saw a grown bison drop into a dead faint! My recommendation is if you have someone like this in your family-and you all do -you know you do- USE THE REST STOPS. Just a little unsolicited advice-you're welcome.
The rest of the summer had it's ups and downs. Somehow the downs began to outweigh the ups. Dude I'm about to go all philosophical on you-those of you who prefer the snarky humorous me should probably stop reading now and wait for my next blog-it's ok I understand.
I have spent the last few months going through the motions. I wasn't miserable(most of the time) but I wasn't happy either. I wasn't angry all the time but I was not calm all the time.In fact I wasn't anything. Oh I looked good,did crossword puzzles,fed my family(alright,I confess,only if they asked directly),made time for myself and others,took fun trips and made people laugh but I there was no real joy behind it. I lost track of my soul somewhere. I thought if I just relaxed enough and shirked enough responsibilities in the name of self contemplation I would snap out of it.My family will be more than happy to point out that I did not. I had become all about my needs while simultaneously telling myself I was too busy taking care of everyone else to make time to enjoy things-I was the glue-responsible for holding everything together.I had become one hell of a multitasker for a selfish person. And apparently pretty damn angry, too. To make a long story short(see I know what your thinking)I was away at a retreat and had an epiphany and needed to make some apologies. Now when I told this to my husband on the phone from the venue there was dead silence. Then he said,"An epiphany? What did I do now? Ok you can have the parenting thing,the house -every thing-It's all yours!" I laughed because ,well I could-I wasn't in a house full banshee children,and informed him (much to his relief and confirmed diagnosis of my manic depressive disorder) it was I who owed ALL of them an apology. I immediately heard the weight on his heart fall away(or maybe it was the peanutbutter jar hitting the floor)and in that moment I felt all of my burden go too. Surely the crap will launch at the fan again and surely I will stumble as I dodge it-missing occasionally and not having any paper towels to clean it up with. But what I learned was that God makes the crap into to compost if you wait long enough and if you have the sense to see it something wonderful can grow out of what used to be crap. There you go!
This morning I was changing YC's bed,not just because it needed it(those of you who know YC know that it did) but because I wanted a symbolic fresh start for him. I did this for all of us. But when I pulled back the covers to take the sheets off his bed it was his full of loose change. A BED FULL OF CHANGE! So today I've chosen to see this as a sign from God, a profound metaphor for the change that needed to happen in my own life( No I did not keep the loot-I put it in his piggy bank- what kind of person do you think I am?). Since I know alot people I care about are also having a hard time right now-clearly no one got the memo about not all going crazy at once-I though I would share my thoughts in case it helped. Remember God is always there knocking we just need to ask him in.
COMING TOMORROW:
Do we really want US NEWS and World Report telling us how to keep the passion alive?
For real people how twisted is that?
It has been a really long time since I've sat down to write. I realized I haven't taken the time to write since before we drove out West. I'd love to be able to regale you all with stories of our near calamities and tell you that this was the trip from H E double hockey sticks(and had hockey sticks been brought along it might have not gone quite the same way) but it wasn't. Aside from the post traumatic stress addled Vietnam Vet(who was clearly medicating with Budweiser) that accused EC of setting off the fireworks in the distance an tried to shove the husband (who was being remarkably calm I might add)in to our fire pit, the trip was fabulous. Sure it had compromises like not using the bathroom for at least 10 hrs after YC had innocently said "I'm going to use the bathroom". This was obviously code for "Call the EPA". How one 12 yr old boy can create one of greatest rolling chemical warfare assaults on earth is beyond me. At least we could roll up our windows and shut the bathroom door(ok we HAD to) the natural world was powerless to stop the assault. I'm sure I saw a grown bison drop into a dead faint! My recommendation is if you have someone like this in your family-and you all do -you know you do- USE THE REST STOPS. Just a little unsolicited advice-you're welcome.
The rest of the summer had it's ups and downs. Somehow the downs began to outweigh the ups. Dude I'm about to go all philosophical on you-those of you who prefer the snarky humorous me should probably stop reading now and wait for my next blog-it's ok I understand.
I have spent the last few months going through the motions. I wasn't miserable(most of the time) but I wasn't happy either. I wasn't angry all the time but I was not calm all the time.In fact I wasn't anything. Oh I looked good,did crossword puzzles,fed my family(alright,I confess,only if they asked directly),made time for myself and others,took fun trips and made people laugh but I there was no real joy behind it. I lost track of my soul somewhere. I thought if I just relaxed enough and shirked enough responsibilities in the name of self contemplation I would snap out of it.My family will be more than happy to point out that I did not. I had become all about my needs while simultaneously telling myself I was too busy taking care of everyone else to make time to enjoy things-I was the glue-responsible for holding everything together.I had become one hell of a multitasker for a selfish person. And apparently pretty damn angry, too. To make a long story short(see I know what your thinking)I was away at a retreat and had an epiphany and needed to make some apologies. Now when I told this to my husband on the phone from the venue there was dead silence. Then he said,"An epiphany? What did I do now? Ok you can have the parenting thing,the house -every thing-It's all yours!" I laughed because ,well I could-I wasn't in a house full banshee children,and informed him (much to his relief and confirmed diagnosis of my manic depressive disorder) it was I who owed ALL of them an apology. I immediately heard the weight on his heart fall away(or maybe it was the peanutbutter jar hitting the floor)and in that moment I felt all of my burden go too. Surely the crap will launch at the fan again and surely I will stumble as I dodge it-missing occasionally and not having any paper towels to clean it up with. But what I learned was that God makes the crap into to compost if you wait long enough and if you have the sense to see it something wonderful can grow out of what used to be crap. There you go!
This morning I was changing YC's bed,not just because it needed it(those of you who know YC know that it did) but because I wanted a symbolic fresh start for him. I did this for all of us. But when I pulled back the covers to take the sheets off his bed it was his full of loose change. A BED FULL OF CHANGE! So today I've chosen to see this as a sign from God, a profound metaphor for the change that needed to happen in my own life( No I did not keep the loot-I put it in his piggy bank- what kind of person do you think I am?). Since I know alot people I care about are also having a hard time right now-clearly no one got the memo about not all going crazy at once-I though I would share my thoughts in case it helped. Remember God is always there knocking we just need to ask him in.
COMING TOMORROW:
Do we really want US NEWS and World Report telling us how to keep the passion alive?
For real people how twisted is that?
Friday, May 16, 2008
Armed and Vacationing-the American Way
Hi Ya'all-apparently I've been watching too much Paula Dean on the FoodNetwork.
So sorry about my pitiful blogging record. Things have been a bit nuts lately, what with 7 1/2 hrs a week of physical therapy(it's working!), going back to my gardening job and EC's ongoing migraine saga(I'm spending more damn time at the High school than he is!!) I barely have time to clean the house- let alone shower or write my blog. I may almost see the light at the end of the tunnel (all though it's currently obscured by a whole lot of rain) in the form of a much needed vacation at the end of June. For some reason I agreed to load into a camper(a vacation?) with my husband and 2 children and drive around some of our beautiful western states. Until I read Audubon magazine in the allergist's office today I was feeling pretty good about the whole thing. National Parks are safe wholesome place-right? WRONG ! Apparently some senator, along with the NRA has decided that National Parks are no longer safe for "unarmed tourists". Go figure, all the problems in the world and some idiotsenator(maybe this could be a new word like"vainglorious"-I saw in US News-I swear) from Oklahoma decides that someones freakin' rights are being violated because they can't shoot the camper next to them whose playing the theme from 'Deliverance' all night while drinking grain alchohol from the bottle. Can you imagine, since the 1930's we've managed to survive in our National Parks with no weapons other than a barbeque fork and a spouse that snores (this seems to repel more people than the fork). Now the NRA says," Hey,we need to be able to shoot things- just in case". In case what? In case a wild, drug addled crack dealer cruises up in his armored $300,000 RV and tries to take the camper? Dude, he can have it-I'll probably give him the family too depending on how far into the "vacation" we are. Think about this- other than guys who kill for kicks and giggles (found apparently mostly in Oklahoma and on TV ) what reason would anyone have to bother a bunch of people who have barely showered, not shaved and spent all their money on gas for a vehicle that's main claim to fame is you can crap while you roll ?!? We can only hope this bill will not succeed, but just in case, as soon as we pick up the RV we're heading straight to GunsandAmmo-R-Us (a.k.a. the nearest Walmart) to pick up a nice flamethrower. Even if we never have to defend ourselves at least we can have one hell of a barbeque with our trusty fork!
So sorry about my pitiful blogging record. Things have been a bit nuts lately, what with 7 1/2 hrs a week of physical therapy(it's working!), going back to my gardening job and EC's ongoing migraine saga(I'm spending more damn time at the High school than he is!!) I barely have time to clean the house- let alone shower or write my blog. I may almost see the light at the end of the tunnel (all though it's currently obscured by a whole lot of rain) in the form of a much needed vacation at the end of June. For some reason I agreed to load into a camper(a vacation?) with my husband and 2 children and drive around some of our beautiful western states. Until I read Audubon magazine in the allergist's office today I was feeling pretty good about the whole thing. National Parks are safe wholesome place-right? WRONG ! Apparently some senator, along with the NRA has decided that National Parks are no longer safe for "unarmed tourists". Go figure, all the problems in the world and some idiotsenator(maybe this could be a new word like"vainglorious"-I saw in US News-I swear) from Oklahoma decides that someones freakin' rights are being violated because they can't shoot the camper next to them whose playing the theme from 'Deliverance' all night while drinking grain alchohol from the bottle. Can you imagine, since the 1930's we've managed to survive in our National Parks with no weapons other than a barbeque fork and a spouse that snores (this seems to repel more people than the fork). Now the NRA says," Hey,we need to be able to shoot things- just in case". In case what? In case a wild, drug addled crack dealer cruises up in his armored $300,000 RV and tries to take the camper? Dude, he can have it-I'll probably give him the family too depending on how far into the "vacation" we are. Think about this- other than guys who kill for kicks and giggles (found apparently mostly in Oklahoma and on TV ) what reason would anyone have to bother a bunch of people who have barely showered, not shaved and spent all their money on gas for a vehicle that's main claim to fame is you can crap while you roll ?!? We can only hope this bill will not succeed, but just in case, as soon as we pick up the RV we're heading straight to GunsandAmmo-R-Us (a.k.a. the nearest Walmart) to pick up a nice flamethrower. Even if we never have to defend ourselves at least we can have one hell of a barbeque with our trusty fork!
Monday, April 28, 2008
Redneckville
It's cold and raining and I'm in a crappy ass mood. I'm not quite ready to eat my young but just wait 'til I get back from driving to and from Philadelphia in the rain at rush hour.
EC spent Saturday night at friends house and woke up the next day to go to Maple Grove Raceway to watch the drag races (Hey- it's classier the demolition derby I should know we've been there-twice!). This little field trip to Redneckville was probably inevitable since we've rented a camper to roam the west this summer. Soon he'll be hitting up Nascar and lawn tractor racing. Maybe he'll even start watching the The Fishing Channel. If he buys himself a John Deere trucker hat I'm staging an intervention ! Actually we've always talked about going to the drag races as a family-all that burning rubber and testosterone would be a great bonding experience. You know we're all about cars so stop laughing (now)! EC said he had a great time but now I'm pretty sure we're in big trouble. It was High School Drag Day. I guess parents would rather have their kids on the track than the local industrial strip. As you know we like to have the police involved in our entertainment so this is one probably not something we would have had the brains to orchestrate(Dude, someone has to make sure our taxes are used!). Unfortunately EC noted that one kid had the same Honda Si we have. What a comforting moment when Mr Motor Head announced that our little Si would do a 14.2 sec quarter mile(secretly-I love this!!). I can't wait 'til he gets his license, trips to the store will take about 2 minutes including shopping ! At least we'll keep the police busy.
EC spent Saturday night at friends house and woke up the next day to go to Maple Grove Raceway to watch the drag races (Hey- it's classier the demolition derby I should know we've been there-twice!). This little field trip to Redneckville was probably inevitable since we've rented a camper to roam the west this summer. Soon he'll be hitting up Nascar and lawn tractor racing. Maybe he'll even start watching the The Fishing Channel. If he buys himself a John Deere trucker hat I'm staging an intervention ! Actually we've always talked about going to the drag races as a family-all that burning rubber and testosterone would be a great bonding experience. You know we're all about cars so stop laughing (now)! EC said he had a great time but now I'm pretty sure we're in big trouble. It was High School Drag Day. I guess parents would rather have their kids on the track than the local industrial strip. As you know we like to have the police involved in our entertainment so this is one probably not something we would have had the brains to orchestrate(Dude, someone has to make sure our taxes are used!). Unfortunately EC noted that one kid had the same Honda Si we have. What a comforting moment when Mr Motor Head announced that our little Si would do a 14.2 sec quarter mile(secretly-I love this!!). I can't wait 'til he gets his license, trips to the store will take about 2 minutes including shopping ! At least we'll keep the police busy.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
The Secret
Have you ever noticed how important it is for people to say things without actually saying what they really mean? For example: last night I say to Hubby,"If you're so inclined the dishwasher is empty". Of course this means ," Why the hell can't you ever just open the dishwasher and load it !" But because I pointed it out nicely(and probably because I had gone out and bought his adminstrative assistant flowers that day) I achieved the desired end result or so I thought. As is customary, I said "Thanks for doing the dishwasher honey" to which he replied, "You're welcome. I didn't do it all though-I only did the obvious ones." To this I have to wonder-how the freak do you define the obvious dishes? Are they the ones he can see (note:get eye exam) all dirty dishes were carefully stacked (by hubby I might add) in the sink? Are they the ones that look really dirty, can I just put the clean looking ones a back in the cabinet? Perhaps they are the dishes that you don't have to rearrange anything in the machine to fit them in?After some brain swirling contemplation, I came to realize is that the obvious dishes were the ones he got to before he didn't feel like doing anymore. Which was just fine and he could have just said that-of course I could've just said," Why the hell can't you ever just open the dishwasher and load it." But that's not nice and I wouldn't have gotten what I wanted(ever again probably). So here is my advice(you can take it or leave it*): Never say what you really mean unless it's nice-This is the secret to staying married ( that and for us, not wanting to give up any cars in the custody battle) . You only need to say just enough to get the job done.
*-translates loosely to "If you don't like my advice I'll just add you to my voodoo doll collection-that's not sciatica in your left leg,dude!
*-translates loosely to "If you don't like my advice I'll just add you to my voodoo doll collection-that's not sciatica in your left leg,dude!
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Happy Earth Day !
Thanks to the wonderful illustration on Google I can safely (and on time) wish you a Happy Earth Day. I'm thinking Google could make this function really useful if only it were a tad more personalized. Maybe we could enter all our family occasions into a file and every day a picture completely related to our lives would appear. Imagine, caricatures of relatives doing their favorite things like wiping their hands on their pants when they eat barbequed chicken or mouthing the words "you forgot again slacker"to remind you it's their birthday.It doesn't give you any time to get a card in the mail but hell-thats what free hallmark e-cards are for-use them (Dude- there's my Earth Day tip for a better world),attach a box of chocolates if you feel really guilty! On holidays you could customize the drawings to reflect how your family really experiences them. For Christmas, a picture of the 18 foot tree falling over just after decorating(I still say we could've taken a couple more feet),for Easter a basket with nothing but black jelly beans and a chocolate bunny with it's head eaten off(cause we all know that Easter has nothing to do with Jesus,just like Christmas). Thanksgiving for my family could show a melee of xrays and mri's from seasons past and maybe a little bottle of oxycontin. The changing of the seasons could be more interesting too. Instead of the lovely seashore scene with it's little seashells and umbrella they could put something more frequently seen. How about a fat guy wearing nothing but small shorts(you know the one who always looks naked and never looks like Brad Pitt) riding a John Deere mower and chugging a Miller Lite. I guarantee more people equate this image with the start of summer than ever see a day at the beach(think the Mid West,people!). How about for the start of winter a bunch of people keeled over with their snow shovels sticking out of the last pile they tried to pick up before their heart attack(this could double as a health warning) or for city dwellers art work showing moving the lawn chair(or recliner) from the front porch to the parking space in front of their rowhouse(for Philadelphians only). Fall wouldn't even need a picture just a full volume audio of leaf blowers. Spring could feature a box of tissues and several local allergist phone numbers. You could even mark divorce dates and breakups with great little vignettes of your exes being run over by turf mowers or getting re-relationshiped with a chimpanzee. The possibilities are limited only in your own(or my)twisted mind.
So Happy Earth Day and remember -no trees, paper or pens were harmed in the writing of this blog-only the english lanquage was butchered.
As an aside, do you think Google is going to steal this idea and then hit me up for royalties? Hmmmm...
So Happy Earth Day and remember -no trees, paper or pens were harmed in the writing of this blog-only the english lanquage was butchered.
As an aside, do you think Google is going to steal this idea and then hit me up for royalties? Hmmmm...
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Good Clean Fun
Good clean fun is the perfect way to cap off a perfect summery spring day. Now in most houses good clean fun involves maybe running thru the sprinkler,a nice game of monopoly or jumping on the trampoline until someone goes flying off and breaks a tooth. But here at the the Exton Home for Wayward Boys we like to kick it up a notch. Well maybe it was a few notches, but it was educational,I swear.
First of all I need say that I never knew that you could buy dry ice at the grocery store. Leave it to teenage boys to know this though. And they know this why? Because you can blow things up with dry ice that's why! It's also why you have to be 18 to buy it so they had to hang around and ask people to buy them dry ice(at least they're not hanging around the liquor store trying to get some idiot to buy them a fifth of rotgut). Had I known just how much fun we would have I'd have gladly gotten it for them!!! Of course,there's the obvious fun,dry ice is a blast because when you put it in water it boils and puts out bubbles that look like pingpong balls. If you put it in your stream it creates a foggy cascade and more bubbles! I put it in my giant urn fountain and it looked like bubble,bubble,toil and trouble-awesome. However, I am off the point slightly,to remind you- you can blow things up with it! And blow things up we did!!! Actually it's very cool(no pun intended) you put some dry ice in a plastic bottle,fill it with water and screw the lid on nice and tight. Then you either throw it or leave it there and run like hell. It is absolutely crucial to take cover or get very far away after this step .If you do it right, pretty soon the plastic bottle starts to expand and crackle. Then if it has a label the label pops off and then it flat out explodes. We are not talking the top blows off,we are talking vaporization (if it goes really well) or at the very least the plastic shards roll up like curling ribbon. The sound is incredibly loud. My neighbors can clearly attest to this because of course someone called the cops( it was only a matter of time). Now granted the noise was alarming but it's amazing what else people will assume is going on. Apparently there was underrage drinking,guns and bombs!!! So as we have set up the last icebomb in a diet tonic bottle our friendly neighborhood officers arrive. Personally I thought we'd met them all but no,here were two new ones! They ask one of the kids-the one hiding in the previously built bamboo structure-what he's doing. Of course like all good teenageres he tells them and then invites them into the yard. Of course he's hiding-we all are-so the officers politely decline(duh).Meanwhile Hubby cranks up the chipper shredder and pretends not to hear or see the police. It's not like they were unexpected-I mean we were clearly having to much educational fun! Finally he decides to talk to them(we know our rights dude!). All this time the bottle has not yet exploded. Now the problem with this is that just because it's been 15 min doesn't mean it won't blow up when you go over to check it. So of course the boys begin to fling things at it (making it even more entertaining). Most of the items miss and the cops continue to stand in the driveway with Hubby discussing the benefits of shooting it with a BB gun. Finally someone throws a log and the thing blows up in a big way. The lid and a curl of plastic is all that's left! The officers are duly impressed and able to confirm that we are indeed gun-free and there are no laws against dry ice and water. They also kindly requested that next time we provide some sort of legitimate crime( I swear!) like snorting cocaine off the center line of the road(not likely-it's the freakin' Exton Autobahn out there,none of the kids have jobs and Hubby would never spend that kind of cash on a non-investment!) or actual underage drinking. Apparently the fact that they spend a lovely afternoon wandering our yard and enjoying educational excitement makes them feel guilty. They are no doubt forbidden to have fun on the job. After inquiring about where to buy dry ice they hightailed it off with smiles on their faces to look for real criminals. Leaving us wondering what the heck we would do for the rest of the afternoon for excitement!
First of all I need say that I never knew that you could buy dry ice at the grocery store. Leave it to teenage boys to know this though. And they know this why? Because you can blow things up with dry ice that's why! It's also why you have to be 18 to buy it so they had to hang around and ask people to buy them dry ice(at least they're not hanging around the liquor store trying to get some idiot to buy them a fifth of rotgut). Had I known just how much fun we would have I'd have gladly gotten it for them!!! Of course,there's the obvious fun,dry ice is a blast because when you put it in water it boils and puts out bubbles that look like pingpong balls. If you put it in your stream it creates a foggy cascade and more bubbles! I put it in my giant urn fountain and it looked like bubble,bubble,toil and trouble-awesome. However, I am off the point slightly,to remind you- you can blow things up with it! And blow things up we did!!! Actually it's very cool(no pun intended) you put some dry ice in a plastic bottle,fill it with water and screw the lid on nice and tight. Then you either throw it or leave it there and run like hell. It is absolutely crucial to take cover or get very far away after this step .If you do it right, pretty soon the plastic bottle starts to expand and crackle. Then if it has a label the label pops off and then it flat out explodes. We are not talking the top blows off,we are talking vaporization (if it goes really well) or at the very least the plastic shards roll up like curling ribbon. The sound is incredibly loud. My neighbors can clearly attest to this because of course someone called the cops( it was only a matter of time). Now granted the noise was alarming but it's amazing what else people will assume is going on. Apparently there was underrage drinking,guns and bombs!!! So as we have set up the last icebomb in a diet tonic bottle our friendly neighborhood officers arrive. Personally I thought we'd met them all but no,here were two new ones! They ask one of the kids-the one hiding in the previously built bamboo structure-what he's doing. Of course like all good teenageres he tells them and then invites them into the yard. Of course he's hiding-we all are-so the officers politely decline(duh).Meanwhile Hubby cranks up the chipper shredder and pretends not to hear or see the police. It's not like they were unexpected-I mean we were clearly having to much educational fun! Finally he decides to talk to them(we know our rights dude!). All this time the bottle has not yet exploded. Now the problem with this is that just because it's been 15 min doesn't mean it won't blow up when you go over to check it. So of course the boys begin to fling things at it (making it even more entertaining). Most of the items miss and the cops continue to stand in the driveway with Hubby discussing the benefits of shooting it with a BB gun. Finally someone throws a log and the thing blows up in a big way. The lid and a curl of plastic is all that's left! The officers are duly impressed and able to confirm that we are indeed gun-free and there are no laws against dry ice and water. They also kindly requested that next time we provide some sort of legitimate crime( I swear!) like snorting cocaine off the center line of the road(not likely-it's the freakin' Exton Autobahn out there,none of the kids have jobs and Hubby would never spend that kind of cash on a non-investment!) or actual underage drinking. Apparently the fact that they spend a lovely afternoon wandering our yard and enjoying educational excitement makes them feel guilty. They are no doubt forbidden to have fun on the job. After inquiring about where to buy dry ice they hightailed it off with smiles on their faces to look for real criminals. Leaving us wondering what the heck we would do for the rest of the afternoon for excitement!
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Still on Island Time
For all of you who were worried-I have not floated away,the island has not gone up in some colossal volcanic eruption and I have not sold out to some bottled water company. I'm still here, muddling through the day to day routine of endlessly dull chores which, when I couldn't do them I wished I could. Now that I can, all I want to do is avoid them(thus I shall begin blogging again). Go figure!
Driving is going surprisingly well. I only occasionally jam on the brakes with my left foot and send loose items ricochetting off the windshield. The potential for flying objects in the cabin keeps the kids on their toes (and under their seats). Helmets would help but where's the fun in that? Actually I'm using all my feet the way they are supposed to be used and I'm thinking of trying the stick shift this week(just when you thought it was safe to go out!).
Thanks to illnesses and migraines(theirs),I've been spending quality time with the children. They are finding out so many new things about their Mom. For instance, YC discovered that I'm secretly mesmerized by belly dancing exercise videos. Maybe you've seen them on FITtv between the Food Network and HGTV. I can't seem to switch channels if one of these programs is on. It could be the music or the outfits
or the unnatural undulation of their bellies. Whatever it is it makes me want to try it(after the knee heals). I cannot tell you how excited this idea made the children. When I told them EC gasped in horror and YC tried to get out of the vehicle while it was moving. So you can see they saw the potential in it. I'm not sure what they think my belly dancing will mean for them. It's not like I'm going to put on some harem pants and a bra with coins and jingle off to do the grocery shopping. Undulating thru the produce aisle is just asking for trouble, what with melons and all. All I need is some old guy asking me if I got my cucumber yet! I did suggest that maybe I could cook a meal or two in my outfit, although bare skin and hot olive oil seems like a bad idea(most of the time). Perhaps they were afraid I might actually belly dance my way across the stage at their high school graduations (my idea)to celebrate the end of free schooling. They should know better, the Husband would never let me celebrate paying for something we used to get free. However, if I charged for my belly dancing appearance hmmm........
I'm not sure taking belly dancing lessons is really in my future but I just love watching the kids faces when I rattle off the multiple ways I could use this skill to mortify them-ah the power! Plus the little finger cymbals would be great for trapping the burgeoning herd of stinkbugs in the house without actually crushing them and stinking the joint up. Such a useful and multipurpose exercise program may be too good to pass up-I'll keep you all posted.
Driving is going surprisingly well. I only occasionally jam on the brakes with my left foot and send loose items ricochetting off the windshield. The potential for flying objects in the cabin keeps the kids on their toes (and under their seats). Helmets would help but where's the fun in that? Actually I'm using all my feet the way they are supposed to be used and I'm thinking of trying the stick shift this week(just when you thought it was safe to go out!).
Thanks to illnesses and migraines(theirs),I've been spending quality time with the children. They are finding out so many new things about their Mom. For instance, YC discovered that I'm secretly mesmerized by belly dancing exercise videos. Maybe you've seen them on FITtv between the Food Network and HGTV. I can't seem to switch channels if one of these programs is on. It could be the music or the outfits
or the unnatural undulation of their bellies. Whatever it is it makes me want to try it(after the knee heals). I cannot tell you how excited this idea made the children. When I told them EC gasped in horror and YC tried to get out of the vehicle while it was moving. So you can see they saw the potential in it. I'm not sure what they think my belly dancing will mean for them. It's not like I'm going to put on some harem pants and a bra with coins and jingle off to do the grocery shopping. Undulating thru the produce aisle is just asking for trouble, what with melons and all. All I need is some old guy asking me if I got my cucumber yet! I did suggest that maybe I could cook a meal or two in my outfit, although bare skin and hot olive oil seems like a bad idea(most of the time). Perhaps they were afraid I might actually belly dance my way across the stage at their high school graduations (my idea)to celebrate the end of free schooling. They should know better, the Husband would never let me celebrate paying for something we used to get free. However, if I charged for my belly dancing appearance hmmm........
I'm not sure taking belly dancing lessons is really in my future but I just love watching the kids faces when I rattle off the multiple ways I could use this skill to mortify them-ah the power! Plus the little finger cymbals would be great for trapping the burgeoning herd of stinkbugs in the house without actually crushing them and stinking the joint up. Such a useful and multipurpose exercise program may be too good to pass up-I'll keep you all posted.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Driving Crazy
Yesterday I officially rejoined the wide world of the driving(of course my Dr didn't say I could-but what's a girl to without wheels) and drove myself to physical therapy. I did this because as much as I enjoy having EC cart me about town he has stay every time I go to therapy. This takes 1 1/2 hrs of time which doesn't technically involve him ! I will say that the therapists seem to enjoy having him crutch around,talk about sports (go Sixers, go Flyers, suck it up Phillies)and throw tennis balls around. I kept thinking that some poor rehabber was going be innocently exercising and take a ball to the head,thereby negating all of their prior PT and giving them a whole new ailment to work on! This did not seem to bother any of therapists(odd) though they did draw the line at his playing hockey using my crutches and the tennis ball. At that point they took everything away from him and made him stand in the corner. He actually seemed to enjoy this last form of entertainment. Staring at the wall is very Zen apparently.
After the torture of having my leg folded toward my butt(I'm pretty sure I didn't need this skill before the accident)which was not a Zen experience I still managed to drive myself home.
About my driving.Personally, I would not recommend attempting to drink any type of beverage while I'm driving. The whole braking with the left foot is just a tad unpredictable and could result in flying refreshments at any moment. Also it is a good idea to secure all belongings on the floor as they may shift(or become airborne) while in transit. Seat belts are also a must and I apologize in advance for those pesky strap bruises. My last piece of advice; use those grab handles that's what they are there for-now you know it's not just for driving with teens.
Bolstered by my highly successful trip to rehab I decided to terrorize the mall. When YC got home from school I took him to get new sneakers. You might recall the previous pair were destroyed in the great flood/creek jump. Since he was no longer allowed to come to school in socks, I was given no choice but to provide new footwear. The trip started well. I found a space right up front at the entrance which was closest to the store and successfully maneuvered my crutches to the door.After reteaching YC the fine art of holding the door open(the trick being not to walk thru it before the person you're holding it for does) we ambled(sort of) to Journeys store.
After much deliberation a pair of $60 sneakers was chosen. That was when we discovered the Journey was going to be ours. The very conservative young man with pink and blonde hair informed us that the store for kids with big feet(aka adult size) was at the other side of the mall! This left me wondering whether YC was as strong as he looked and whether he could be utilized as a form of transportation like one of those motorized coolers(minus the beer). The good news was I able to successfully crutch through the mall and only almost tripped once. Luckily YC made me feel so much better about nearly falling when he told me if I had fallen he would've picked me up after he stopped laughing. What a great kid! Thankfully the rest of the excursion was uneventful and involved cookies!
So now you know to keep those eyes open for the for the blonde in the green SUV who's braking like she's got a tremor-just switch lanes(quickly)and go on your merry way. I'll get where I'm going eventually and the roads will will be safe again-if only for the time it takes me to buy milk. Look out WaWa!
After the torture of having my leg folded toward my butt(I'm pretty sure I didn't need this skill before the accident)which was not a Zen experience I still managed to drive myself home.
About my driving.Personally, I would not recommend attempting to drink any type of beverage while I'm driving. The whole braking with the left foot is just a tad unpredictable and could result in flying refreshments at any moment. Also it is a good idea to secure all belongings on the floor as they may shift(or become airborne) while in transit. Seat belts are also a must and I apologize in advance for those pesky strap bruises. My last piece of advice; use those grab handles that's what they are there for-now you know it's not just for driving with teens.
Bolstered by my highly successful trip to rehab I decided to terrorize the mall. When YC got home from school I took him to get new sneakers. You might recall the previous pair were destroyed in the great flood/creek jump. Since he was no longer allowed to come to school in socks, I was given no choice but to provide new footwear. The trip started well. I found a space right up front at the entrance which was closest to the store and successfully maneuvered my crutches to the door.After reteaching YC the fine art of holding the door open(the trick being not to walk thru it before the person you're holding it for does) we ambled(sort of) to Journeys store.
After much deliberation a pair of $60 sneakers was chosen. That was when we discovered the Journey was going to be ours. The very conservative young man with pink and blonde hair informed us that the store for kids with big feet(aka adult size) was at the other side of the mall! This left me wondering whether YC was as strong as he looked and whether he could be utilized as a form of transportation like one of those motorized coolers(minus the beer). The good news was I able to successfully crutch through the mall and only almost tripped once. Luckily YC made me feel so much better about nearly falling when he told me if I had fallen he would've picked me up after he stopped laughing. What a great kid! Thankfully the rest of the excursion was uneventful and involved cookies!
So now you know to keep those eyes open for the for the blonde in the green SUV who's braking like she's got a tremor-just switch lanes(quickly)and go on your merry way. I'll get where I'm going eventually and the roads will will be safe again-if only for the time it takes me to buy milk. Look out WaWa!
Friday, April 4, 2008
I'm so excited!!! The creme de al creme of catalogs Hammacher Schlemmer has arrived! This catalog is an amazing collection of items to make all of our lives easier and more fun if only we fork over a third of our bank accounts. There are so many things in this catalog that I simply must have!! First I'll order the "Authentic Scottish Chanter". This indispensible item is the precursor to learning to play the most spectacular instrument ever-the bagpipes. I can't wait for it to come. The family is gonna love the haunting echo of the chanter throughout the old homestead. Erie the elkhound would probably stroke out as I opened the box (bad news-I can not sue PECO for his demise if this happens). We never see Coco the cat a.k.a. White Lightning this would guarantee we'd never see her again-she might even stroke out next to Erie.If she did I'd invite you all over so you could see what she actually looks like when she's not leaving the room, maybe I'll even have her stuffed!
Nothing bothers Frank the cat or Kody the other Elkie . Frank would just jump into the box and pop a paw out at Kody every time he passed. By the time I'm done learning(or someone clubs me with a hockey stick) we'll all know how EC feels when he has a migraine. This would be an excellent way to explain to non-migraneurs what a migraine feels like. Oooh- I could record the chanter on a cd and sell for ONLY $.24.99. I'll call it something like "Chanting 'til Your Head Hurts" I could even cross market it as non toxic pest,pet and kid repellant. Thanks Hammacher Schlemmer!
The chanter is of a fun little diversion, but the big gun of my list is the ingenious "14 mph Cooler". What have I done all my life without this item?! For only $500 I can fill a cooler with a case of beer and 8lbs of ice and ride it to the neighbor's party, the bank or really useful-the beer distributor for a refill. Not only that, there's a drink holder between my legs so I don't actually have to stop drinking while I run errands!! More good news it has the handling of a golf cart! Wow, now there's statistic that'll make you feel safer while your reaching into the cooler (through the cup holder) for another cold one on your way to to the beer distributor for a refill . In case you can't picture this splendid vehicle it pretty much resembles a cooler bolted to a 3 wheel scooter.If you want a cushioned seat and backrest that'll be $29.99 (a bargain). Flames, racing stripes and spoilers are available for just bit more(ok, not true but they ought to offer supe-up kits!). Listen up boys and girls-if I'm going to buy a $500 cooler it ought to come with a freakin' seat-I mean you have to be kidding. That's like buying a car and having to pay extra for the steering wheel! The whole thing was a better idea before I saw the seat was extra but why let a little thing like that delay my purchase. I wonder if I need a license and registration for this puppy?
As soon as I get the helmet/radar detector on page 26 look for me to tool over to party (or wrecking in a shrub)near you! Thanks again Hammacher Schlemmer-You Rock!!!!
Nothing bothers Frank the cat or Kody the other Elkie . Frank would just jump into the box and pop a paw out at Kody every time he passed. By the time I'm done learning(or someone clubs me with a hockey stick) we'll all know how EC feels when he has a migraine. This would be an excellent way to explain to non-migraneurs what a migraine feels like. Oooh- I could record the chanter on a cd and sell for ONLY $.24.99. I'll call it something like "Chanting 'til Your Head Hurts" I could even cross market it as non toxic pest,pet and kid repellant. Thanks Hammacher Schlemmer!
The chanter is of a fun little diversion, but the big gun of my list is the ingenious "14 mph Cooler". What have I done all my life without this item?! For only $500 I can fill a cooler with a case of beer and 8lbs of ice and ride it to the neighbor's party, the bank or really useful-the beer distributor for a refill. Not only that, there's a drink holder between my legs so I don't actually have to stop drinking while I run errands!! More good news it has the handling of a golf cart! Wow, now there's statistic that'll make you feel safer while your reaching into the cooler (through the cup holder) for another cold one on your way to to the beer distributor for a refill . In case you can't picture this splendid vehicle it pretty much resembles a cooler bolted to a 3 wheel scooter.If you want a cushioned seat and backrest that'll be $29.99 (a bargain). Flames, racing stripes and spoilers are available for just bit more(ok, not true but they ought to offer supe-up kits!). Listen up boys and girls-if I'm going to buy a $500 cooler it ought to come with a freakin' seat-I mean you have to be kidding. That's like buying a car and having to pay extra for the steering wheel! The whole thing was a better idea before I saw the seat was extra but why let a little thing like that delay my purchase. I wonder if I need a license and registration for this puppy?
As soon as I get the helmet/radar detector on page 26 look for me to tool over to party (or wrecking in a shrub)near you! Thanks again Hammacher Schlemmer-You Rock!!!!
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Back in the Saddle
Sorry I've been away for awhile. It's tough to be snarky when so many people I know are having tough problems to overcome. That said I think I'd better start cheering some people the heck up before all the s**t hitting the fan comes back at them and they forget about the importance of ducking(as opposed to the importance of ducklings,ooh so cute!).
A friend of mine was worried about the selfish reaction that her 13yr old son had to his birthday presents. In a moment of clarity I espoused this little nugget of wisdom which I thought you might all like to hear. Unfortunately I could not come up with way to word this intro without sounding full of myself-I'm really not you know. It's not like I'm Mrs Dr Spock or someone and if you think it's crap ok-I can live with that(I'll just make a voodoo doll of you and poke it full of pins)but here is :
As parents we spend our lives making sure that we teach our children manners,values and caring ,but very minute will not be filled with their doing the right thing or showing the right level of value or appreciation,but when the time comes for them to be tested and you are not around they will rise to the occasion because YOU taught them how.
Of course results may vary and all children may not respond in the same manner. This statement has not been evaluated by the American Association of Pediatric
Psychologists.Any unauthorized twisting this information for private use must be approved by the author(I say go for it).The author of this statement accepts no responsibility for negative outcomes(read-your problem!).
Ponder this piece of sage advice and the attached disclaimer the next time your kid takes an airsoft gun(loaded) and pelts the annoying kid whining about his video game score in your family room (in front of your big screen TV) . Try to remember this act does not mean they are going to grow up and go postal. It means they gave no thought to the act -if they had they'd have put on goggles and moved away from the TV. Yes, this happened at my house and yes, I was home and no, I wasn't on a different floor-I was in the laundryroom and no,nobody was hurt. Possibly the child deserved it but they should've known better- honestly they could've put out an eye or busted the TV! After I explained these possible outcomes they understood and learned(ok they laughed and I took away the airsoft guns) and nothing like that has ever happened again-and no one's gone postal yet.
A friend of mine was worried about the selfish reaction that her 13yr old son had to his birthday presents. In a moment of clarity I espoused this little nugget of wisdom which I thought you might all like to hear. Unfortunately I could not come up with way to word this intro without sounding full of myself-I'm really not you know. It's not like I'm Mrs Dr Spock or someone and if you think it's crap ok-I can live with that(I'll just make a voodoo doll of you and poke it full of pins)but here is :
As parents we spend our lives making sure that we teach our children manners,values and caring ,but very minute will not be filled with their doing the right thing or showing the right level of value or appreciation,but when the time comes for them to be tested and you are not around they will rise to the occasion because YOU taught them how.
Of course results may vary and all children may not respond in the same manner. This statement has not been evaluated by the American Association of Pediatric
Psychologists.Any unauthorized twisting this information for private use must be approved by the author(I say go for it).The author of this statement accepts no responsibility for negative outcomes(read-your problem!).
Ponder this piece of sage advice and the attached disclaimer the next time your kid takes an airsoft gun(loaded) and pelts the annoying kid whining about his video game score in your family room (in front of your big screen TV) . Try to remember this act does not mean they are going to grow up and go postal. It means they gave no thought to the act -if they had they'd have put on goggles and moved away from the TV. Yes, this happened at my house and yes, I was home and no, I wasn't on a different floor-I was in the laundryroom and no,nobody was hurt. Possibly the child deserved it but they should've known better- honestly they could've put out an eye or busted the TV! After I explained these possible outcomes they understood and learned(ok they laughed and I took away the airsoft guns) and nothing like that has ever happened again-and no one's gone postal yet.
Friday, March 28, 2008
Cheerier Blog
I posted a new blog for anybody who wants a chuckle but it's after the " Not the Happy Blog". If you feel like rooting around you'll find it there-Cheers to the weekend !!!
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Not The Happy Blog
Good morning! Nice huh? Nope-that good morning is laced with enough sarcasm to make Simon Cowell seem like a delightful dinner companion. So much crap is hitting the fan on that pretty soon I'm going to have to buy those super flush toilets. You know the ones that you can flush a basket of golf balls and a cat down. Most of this would probably be no issue if it weren't for the fact that I'm so damn slow at everything, can't drive and am spending 6 hrs strapped to a machine that is neither a shiatsu massager or a blender for making frozen drinks.
Here are my complaints/issues and just plain bitching about stuff. By the way I've realized I don't type any more intelligibly with the laptop not moving-which pisses me off, but yay for spellcheck!
First and the least important is that a crazed robin continues to fling itself at the downstairs door. This is day 5 or 6, you'd think his little tiny brain would get it by now. This robin is dumb even by bird standards. It's mildly entertaining to stand in the window and scare the shit out of it when it pops up from the ground to attack itself,but I'm not crutching all the way down just for that. The sound is making me nuts! I'm on the verge of power-crutching down with a tennis racket,opening the door and playing a little badminton( I don't have a badminton racket,dude) with a real birdie!
I might get that chance since EC is home with a migraine today. You know what's really fun about that-NOTHING! He isn't even good company(not his fault). This is EC's worst time of the year for these and so far no meds are working. So glad I paid $65 for this current drug (no ins.$240) that barely works.Can you imagine if we had no insurance! I have 4 more treatments leftover, I wonder if it has a street value. If anyone knows someone who wants the rest of the meds (migranal nasal)for free by all means let me know. If you just want them so you can deal them -step off that's my gig bro! Just Kidding-I run an upright household here. Anyway once EC's headache subsides enough (don't worry it'll be back for an encore tomorrow) He'll have to drive me to the CVS so we can get a different drug.Wonder what this one will cost?
While they fill the prescription we can zip(yeah right)over to the grocery store for a cake that'll feed like 12 kids for tomorrows birthday party. This is YC's belated birthday sleepover
(oh yeah- you read it right!). It's put pushed back so many times he's almost 13. So like 12 kids are coming over,eating cake and spending the night (anybody have a taser?). This wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the fact that Loving Husband's staff just told him yesterday that they are having a goodbye Happy Hour for him after work( he's headed to another department). This is a big deal-drinks (of which I get O),appetizers(O again)and adult reverie(O a third time). So you see it's not like he can reschedule or blow it off . Very rude not to show up at your bon voyage party(only Prince can do that). Maybe I'll just put them all in the downstairs and turn on the video games to get them all riled up. Then when they're good and wild I'll throw the cake down the stairs and lock the door. Wow, I wish my mom had thrown parties like that when I was a kid! Maybe I wouldn't have smacked into the refrigerator blindfolded while playing pin-the-tail on the donkey and knocked myself out(although that should clear up a lot for all you readers).
After EC and I snag the cake (if his migraine hasn't returned and assuming I haven't developed one) we'll go have the oil changed in the SUV. This last task is completely my fault. Earlier in the week I felt bad 'cause Hubby is so busy what with me being cripped and all and him changing departments. Sooo- I volunteered EC and I to go down to the lube shop and have the oil changed. Hubbs already did the Honda si this week. It seemed like a splendid idea idea at the time but clearly I must still have had substantial Percocet still in my system and a total lack of premonition to have said this. Too late now-he reminded me on the way out this AM and gave me "the look" when I said I had my hands kind of full(unfortunately I probably deserved "the look")what with EC and all.
The only good things that happened this AM were that I woke up feeling dizzy and like I was going to hurl(be patient,it turns out ok). This was immediately alarming because I was needing to crutch all over the house to care for EC and because I really couldn't figure out how to toss my cookies with one leg locked straight! Basically I envisioned a giraffe like stance accompanied but much prayer that I would hit the mark when the time came. Thank goodness the time never came but it was daunting to think about and something you really don't have to consider most of the time! YC was very sweet and offered to stay home and take care of me. He's a very empathic boy and of course it was a win/win situation for him ,except for the barfing. I was touched but loaded his thoughtful butt onto the bus anyway.
On my way back from the bathroom just now my crutches fell for like the 400th time just this morning. What the hell is the point of using crutches to get around if every time I set them next to me the slide to the floor!? I'm either going to fall over picking them up or fall over them period! Earlier I dropped one down the stairs trying to get ready to take the flight. Good thing I don't need them to get around or anything! Someone needs to fix this problem or buy me a freak'in Segue(maybe not so good on the stairs). One of those stair chairs you see advertised in the Sunday paper would be useful but I'm sure the kids we be on it all the time( a real hit at parties) and then it would jam up with all the aminal ( I meant to type animal-really)fur in the house,void the warranty and we'd use it to hang coats on like the treadmill. I guess I'll just keep crutching along.
Tomorrow I will post the Happy Blog(if we're all lucky)
Enjoy yourselves-said with only a teeny bit of irritation thanks to the wild raving posted above.
Sorry-sort of.
Here are my complaints/issues and just plain bitching about stuff. By the way I've realized I don't type any more intelligibly with the laptop not moving-which pisses me off, but yay for spellcheck!
First and the least important is that a crazed robin continues to fling itself at the downstairs door. This is day 5 or 6, you'd think his little tiny brain would get it by now. This robin is dumb even by bird standards. It's mildly entertaining to stand in the window and scare the shit out of it when it pops up from the ground to attack itself,but I'm not crutching all the way down just for that. The sound is making me nuts! I'm on the verge of power-crutching down with a tennis racket,opening the door and playing a little badminton( I don't have a badminton racket,dude) with a real birdie!
I might get that chance since EC is home with a migraine today. You know what's really fun about that-NOTHING! He isn't even good company(not his fault). This is EC's worst time of the year for these and so far no meds are working. So glad I paid $65 for this current drug (no ins.$240) that barely works.Can you imagine if we had no insurance! I have 4 more treatments leftover, I wonder if it has a street value. If anyone knows someone who wants the rest of the meds (migranal nasal)for free by all means let me know. If you just want them so you can deal them -step off that's my gig bro! Just Kidding-I run an upright household here. Anyway once EC's headache subsides enough (don't worry it'll be back for an encore tomorrow) He'll have to drive me to the CVS so we can get a different drug.Wonder what this one will cost?
While they fill the prescription we can zip(yeah right)over to the grocery store for a cake that'll feed like 12 kids for tomorrows birthday party. This is YC's belated birthday sleepover
(oh yeah- you read it right!). It's put pushed back so many times he's almost 13. So like 12 kids are coming over,eating cake and spending the night (anybody have a taser?). This wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the fact that Loving Husband's staff just told him yesterday that they are having a goodbye Happy Hour for him after work( he's headed to another department). This is a big deal-drinks (of which I get O),appetizers(O again)and adult reverie(O a third time). So you see it's not like he can reschedule or blow it off . Very rude not to show up at your bon voyage party(only Prince can do that). Maybe I'll just put them all in the downstairs and turn on the video games to get them all riled up. Then when they're good and wild I'll throw the cake down the stairs and lock the door. Wow, I wish my mom had thrown parties like that when I was a kid! Maybe I wouldn't have smacked into the refrigerator blindfolded while playing pin-the-tail on the donkey and knocked myself out(although that should clear up a lot for all you readers).
After EC and I snag the cake (if his migraine hasn't returned and assuming I haven't developed one) we'll go have the oil changed in the SUV. This last task is completely my fault. Earlier in the week I felt bad 'cause Hubby is so busy what with me being cripped and all and him changing departments. Sooo- I volunteered EC and I to go down to the lube shop and have the oil changed. Hubbs already did the Honda si this week. It seemed like a splendid idea idea at the time but clearly I must still have had substantial Percocet still in my system and a total lack of premonition to have said this. Too late now-he reminded me on the way out this AM and gave me "the look" when I said I had my hands kind of full(unfortunately I probably deserved "the look")what with EC and all.
The only good things that happened this AM were that I woke up feeling dizzy and like I was going to hurl(be patient,it turns out ok). This was immediately alarming because I was needing to crutch all over the house to care for EC and because I really couldn't figure out how to toss my cookies with one leg locked straight! Basically I envisioned a giraffe like stance accompanied but much prayer that I would hit the mark when the time came. Thank goodness the time never came but it was daunting to think about and something you really don't have to consider most of the time! YC was very sweet and offered to stay home and take care of me. He's a very empathic boy and of course it was a win/win situation for him ,except for the barfing. I was touched but loaded his thoughtful butt onto the bus anyway.
On my way back from the bathroom just now my crutches fell for like the 400th time just this morning. What the hell is the point of using crutches to get around if every time I set them next to me the slide to the floor!? I'm either going to fall over picking them up or fall over them period! Earlier I dropped one down the stairs trying to get ready to take the flight. Good thing I don't need them to get around or anything! Someone needs to fix this problem or buy me a freak'in Segue(maybe not so good on the stairs). One of those stair chairs you see advertised in the Sunday paper would be useful but I'm sure the kids we be on it all the time( a real hit at parties) and then it would jam up with all the aminal ( I meant to type animal-really)fur in the house,void the warranty and we'd use it to hang coats on like the treadmill. I guess I'll just keep crutching along.
Tomorrow I will post the Happy Blog(if we're all lucky)
Enjoy yourselves-said with only a teeny bit of irritation thanks to the wild raving posted above.
Sorry-sort of.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Dumbest Waste of Airspace Award or the Happy Blog
I actually typed this yesterday but I didn't think you all could take 2 posts in one day-plus now I don't have to think of something new to entertain you today'
The Award for the Dumbest Show on earth.
First the title: Shopping Bags . Now, if I was going to name a show I would not imply that the shows stars not only need shopping bags but bags over their heads. The two women hosting are actually very attractive and almost completely stupid (think Jessica Simpson in a 40yr old body). The premise, comparative testing of items we would consider buying and telling us their favorites. Yesterdays items: pushup bras, jog strollers, flashlights and how to choose the right wine (red) for the perfect dinner.
These would seem like great items and useful evaluations, 'seem' being the operative word here. The push up bra was idiotic( I did tape it for my husband though-it's cheaper than real porn flicks). They compared cheap bras to expensive bras. Here's a shock-everyone hated the cheap bras! This was decided by the most important test I use to evaluate a push-up bra-dressing in crappy sweats and jumping up and down to see if my boobs fly out of the bra(hence the taping for hubby). Everyone I know wears a push up bra to aerobics class. Hello people- don't you think there'd be more guys in aerobics class if this was true! Next were the jog strollers. First, I think most women jog to get away from their kids but whatever. This test offered up two really useful suggestions. Make sure you get one that fits in your car(duh?) and always get hand brakes and foot brakes. Now junior doesn't have to roll away because you had to take a drink of water and scratch your nose at the same time while jogging. Of course I'm not sure how you set the foot brake while moving nor do I think anyone wants to add that kind of resistance to their running(aerobic exercise be damned). All strollers have foot brakes otherwise kids would be rolling all over the place and there'd be tons of ads by lawyers claiming to get top dollar for heartbreaking stroller injuries(they'd probably be wearing baby bonnets and bibs so you remember their firm).Next they gave tips on choosing the perfect wine. I must confess, I was in the other room and thought they said "Find the perfect wife for your dinner tonight". I didn't actually watch this segment so I can't make fun of it (hey I was hungry!)but they were testing shiraz which is not exactly rocket science. The last thing they tested was the most unnecessary,flashlights! Now everyone with kids knows you will not see any flashlight you purchase for more than 15 minutes. There's a reason they're usually impulse buys-you're never sure if the kids have taken the one you thought you knew you had. The ladies tested the flashlights by tromping around in the dark woods in their pushup bras with their jogging strollers looking for that bottle of shiraz. Okay, only the shiraz and the flashlights were involved but wow that would've cool! The test pretty much proved that two "bags" in the woods searching for a bottle of wine is about as useful a way to test a flashlight as testing pushup bras with jumping jacks. The last indignity thrust upon the flashlights (and us) was dropping them on a little pile of rocks(5 times,rough). Of course the $3 flashlight broke the first time. The rest suvived all 5 drops(whoosie little drops people!). This is a complete waste of flashlights. Show me a flashlight than can still turn on after being buried in the woods under leaves, run over by the riding mower and be taken apart and put back together(sort of) by your average teenager and I'll show you a flashlight worth buying -if you ever see it again. Personally I'm sticking with the $3 light it's just more economical in the long run.
There are some good runner ups for the Waste of Airspace Award. One of my favorites is: I Want That.It's full of things nobody wants like sushi shaped usb ports(I am totally not kidding,they look like those displays in the windows of Chinatown!).California roll or lobstertail sticking out of the side of your computer anyone?I hope they're scratch and sniff too! I'm also fond of Martha Stewart who is currently advertizing things you don't know about Martha plus sponge cake with a suprise. What if the suprise is something we don't know about Martha like she prepares that sponge cake naked!!!Yuck, I would not want to know that!! I'll even throw an infommercial in- the Point and Paint.I have no idea what this product is (because I've been typing away for you all) all I know the only way I'm going to point and paint is if some studly guy from Sherwin Williams(do they have them?) shows up and asks me to point out every thing I want painted and then paints it(without his shirt on preferably). Now thats what I call Point and Paint!!
The Award for the Dumbest Show on earth.
First the title: Shopping Bags . Now, if I was going to name a show I would not imply that the shows stars not only need shopping bags but bags over their heads. The two women hosting are actually very attractive and almost completely stupid (think Jessica Simpson in a 40yr old body). The premise, comparative testing of items we would consider buying and telling us their favorites. Yesterdays items: pushup bras, jog strollers, flashlights and how to choose the right wine (red) for the perfect dinner.
These would seem like great items and useful evaluations, 'seem' being the operative word here. The push up bra was idiotic( I did tape it for my husband though-it's cheaper than real porn flicks). They compared cheap bras to expensive bras. Here's a shock-everyone hated the cheap bras! This was decided by the most important test I use to evaluate a push-up bra-dressing in crappy sweats and jumping up and down to see if my boobs fly out of the bra(hence the taping for hubby). Everyone I know wears a push up bra to aerobics class. Hello people- don't you think there'd be more guys in aerobics class if this was true! Next were the jog strollers. First, I think most women jog to get away from their kids but whatever. This test offered up two really useful suggestions. Make sure you get one that fits in your car(duh?) and always get hand brakes and foot brakes. Now junior doesn't have to roll away because you had to take a drink of water and scratch your nose at the same time while jogging. Of course I'm not sure how you set the foot brake while moving nor do I think anyone wants to add that kind of resistance to their running(aerobic exercise be damned). All strollers have foot brakes otherwise kids would be rolling all over the place and there'd be tons of ads by lawyers claiming to get top dollar for heartbreaking stroller injuries(they'd probably be wearing baby bonnets and bibs so you remember their firm).Next they gave tips on choosing the perfect wine. I must confess, I was in the other room and thought they said "Find the perfect wife for your dinner tonight". I didn't actually watch this segment so I can't make fun of it (hey I was hungry!)but they were testing shiraz which is not exactly rocket science. The last thing they tested was the most unnecessary,flashlights! Now everyone with kids knows you will not see any flashlight you purchase for more than 15 minutes. There's a reason they're usually impulse buys-you're never sure if the kids have taken the one you thought you knew you had. The ladies tested the flashlights by tromping around in the dark woods in their pushup bras with their jogging strollers looking for that bottle of shiraz. Okay, only the shiraz and the flashlights were involved but wow that would've cool! The test pretty much proved that two "bags" in the woods searching for a bottle of wine is about as useful a way to test a flashlight as testing pushup bras with jumping jacks. The last indignity thrust upon the flashlights (and us) was dropping them on a little pile of rocks(5 times,rough). Of course the $3 flashlight broke the first time. The rest suvived all 5 drops(whoosie little drops people!). This is a complete waste of flashlights. Show me a flashlight than can still turn on after being buried in the woods under leaves, run over by the riding mower and be taken apart and put back together(sort of) by your average teenager and I'll show you a flashlight worth buying -if you ever see it again. Personally I'm sticking with the $3 light it's just more economical in the long run.
There are some good runner ups for the Waste of Airspace Award. One of my favorites is: I Want That.It's full of things nobody wants like sushi shaped usb ports(I am totally not kidding,they look like those displays in the windows of Chinatown!).California roll or lobstertail sticking out of the side of your computer anyone?I hope they're scratch and sniff too! I'm also fond of Martha Stewart who is currently advertizing things you don't know about Martha plus sponge cake with a suprise. What if the suprise is something we don't know about Martha like she prepares that sponge cake naked!!!Yuck, I would not want to know that!! I'll even throw an infommercial in- the Point and Paint.I have no idea what this product is (because I've been typing away for you all) all I know the only way I'm going to point and paint is if some studly guy from Sherwin Williams(do they have them?) shows up and asks me to point out every thing I want painted and then paints it(without his shirt on preferably). Now thats what I call Point and Paint!!
Soon to be ... Free!
Whoopee-
Yesterday was my knee check-up! Thanks to A & Em for taking me. Good news, I get to start physical therapy next week. Most people probably would not find cycling on a bike going nowehere staring at a pile weed covered dirt(a little atmosphere please) a plus but hey, it beats watching Tyra Banks slapping a purposely bald Steve Harvey on the back of the head hard enough to make his eyes bug out. If anybody but Tyra(or maybe his wife)had slapped him there would probably be a lawsuit involved.I'm pretty sure people are lining up to be smacked a lot of places by Tyra,most of which cannot be mentioned in this family friendly(almost?) blog!
I still can't drive but EC is about to become head of the teenage chauffer service maybe I'll score him a little cap and a black suit. 'Cause you you know a girl's gotta look fly when she's being toted around town. Plus if he has to wait for me some idiot might decide he's a lurking terrorist and call the FBI. Ooh- EC there's another idea for a senior project(no not the lurking terrorist) :Teen Chauffers. Because everyone wants to ride with anyone but their own teen(nice tagline!). He can add that to other 6 things I mention over and over- of course I think I've never said them before so at least it's new to me everytime! I don't think EC listens to me more than 50% of the time anyway
One last reason I need to get the heck out of here for Physical Therapy-The Birds! No, not the movie running endlessly on the AMC channel(it's not-too bad though) .I'm referring to the insane robin who is attacking hinself in the window of the backdoor. This has been going on for like 3 days! When is the bird brain going to figure out that he's actually jealous of his own buff bird bod! At least it's not against the window by my head-I'd have to crutch it into the next county. Maybe he'll impress some valley girl female and they'll run off to nest at the top of some electrical tower and have two headed babies and sell I can sell the video to Animal Planet!
I can almost hear the cash(I mean change) pouring in. Another great Senior Project for EC! Maybe he can get one of YC's friends ( have some suggestions) to climb the electric tower.
Well I'm off to order a video cam I can fit in tree hole (only a few thousand dollars honey-it's an investment-I swear!)and begin my next career. Ta ta!
Yesterday was my knee check-up! Thanks to A & Em for taking me. Good news, I get to start physical therapy next week. Most people probably would not find cycling on a bike going nowehere staring at a pile weed covered dirt(a little atmosphere please) a plus but hey, it beats watching Tyra Banks slapping a purposely bald Steve Harvey on the back of the head hard enough to make his eyes bug out. If anybody but Tyra(or maybe his wife)had slapped him there would probably be a lawsuit involved.I'm pretty sure people are lining up to be smacked a lot of places by Tyra,most of which cannot be mentioned in this family friendly(almost?) blog!
I still can't drive but EC is about to become head of the teenage chauffer service maybe I'll score him a little cap and a black suit. 'Cause you you know a girl's gotta look fly when she's being toted around town. Plus if he has to wait for me some idiot might decide he's a lurking terrorist and call the FBI. Ooh- EC there's another idea for a senior project(no not the lurking terrorist) :Teen Chauffers. Because everyone wants to ride with anyone but their own teen(nice tagline!). He can add that to other 6 things I mention over and over- of course I think I've never said them before so at least it's new to me everytime! I don't think EC listens to me more than 50% of the time anyway
One last reason I need to get the heck out of here for Physical Therapy-The Birds! No, not the movie running endlessly on the AMC channel(it's not-too bad though) .I'm referring to the insane robin who is attacking hinself in the window of the backdoor. This has been going on for like 3 days! When is the bird brain going to figure out that he's actually jealous of his own buff bird bod! At least it's not against the window by my head-I'd have to crutch it into the next county. Maybe he'll impress some valley girl female and they'll run off to nest at the top of some electrical tower and have two headed babies and sell I can sell the video to Animal Planet!
I can almost hear the cash(I mean change) pouring in. Another great Senior Project for EC! Maybe he can get one of YC's friends ( have some suggestions) to climb the electric tower.
Well I'm off to order a video cam I can fit in tree hole (only a few thousand dollars honey-it's an investment-I swear!)and begin my next career. Ta ta!
Monday, March 24, 2008
Unbelievable Annoyances
GREEN,GReen,green,GrEeN,green,greeN,green,green-ahhhhhh! Save me I can't stand it any more!!! Does anyone have another damn word for saving the earth? Every year catalogs come up with like a hundred freakin' words for the color green but enviromentalists can't come up with any new way to say "won't kill us or anything else on the planet"? What ever happened to energy saving or enviromentally safe(I mean without the the word green in the sentence).
The phrase is almost as annoying as Rachel Ray. I have seen almost no program in the last few days that doesn't talk about it,advertize it,use it! It sort of makes me want to run around the house and turn on all the faucets and lights. Don't worry honey, I'd never do that unless I was trying to collect the life insurance. As usual advertizers have to beat everything to death. Think thin,heart health,staying active. What are we morons? Anybody who doesn't know what to do about any of the these things by now probably doesn't give a crap. I can't believe anybody can have enough to say to put out twelve issues dedicated to out health (for years even)-no wonder nobody knows what they're supposed to keep from kicking off early. Eat nothing ,eat anything, eat only naturally blue things. Exercise constantly but don't overdue it you could drop dead and almost all of us have a mental problem of some kind but there's a pill for that(if you have healthcare). Perhaps we all need to go one of those enema/exercise/mineral bath spas that went out with those wacky Victorians. I can't imagine who doesn't want to go on a vacation that involves enemas-sign me up baby! I suppose someone could always offer a colonoscopy/boot camp/lipo spa. Oh, wait I saw that on FitFoodHomeStyle TV yesterday!It was recommended by Oprah I'm pretty sure!
Just a quick aside. I never again want to hear a gay man utter the phrase it's like "lipsticking the pig" this not a good image to have stuck in my head. I'm going to need Percocet with my vodka to sleep tonight!!.Sorry THEY said it on the TV. Did I mention "they" live in San Francisco in a lavender 1.2 million dollar house with 1 bathroom and a crappy kitchen. And they say the housing markets tanking! Enough rant for one day-I think I'm getting boring being stuck at home.
The phrase is almost as annoying as Rachel Ray. I have seen almost no program in the last few days that doesn't talk about it,advertize it,use it! It sort of makes me want to run around the house and turn on all the faucets and lights. Don't worry honey, I'd never do that unless I was trying to collect the life insurance. As usual advertizers have to beat everything to death. Think thin,heart health,staying active. What are we morons? Anybody who doesn't know what to do about any of the these things by now probably doesn't give a crap. I can't believe anybody can have enough to say to put out twelve issues dedicated to out health (for years even)-no wonder nobody knows what they're supposed to keep from kicking off early. Eat nothing ,eat anything, eat only naturally blue things. Exercise constantly but don't overdue it you could drop dead and almost all of us have a mental problem of some kind but there's a pill for that(if you have healthcare). Perhaps we all need to go one of those enema/exercise/mineral bath spas that went out with those wacky Victorians. I can't imagine who doesn't want to go on a vacation that involves enemas-sign me up baby! I suppose someone could always offer a colonoscopy/boot camp/lipo spa. Oh, wait I saw that on FitFoodHomeStyle TV yesterday!It was recommended by Oprah I'm pretty sure!
Just a quick aside. I never again want to hear a gay man utter the phrase it's like "lipsticking the pig" this not a good image to have stuck in my head. I'm going to need Percocet with my vodka to sleep tonight!!.Sorry THEY said it on the TV. Did I mention "they" live in San Francisco in a lavender 1.2 million dollar house with 1 bathroom and a crappy kitchen. And they say the housing markets tanking! Enough rant for one day-I think I'm getting boring being stuck at home.
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Day 9 Stranded on the Island
Actually I'm not so much stranded as heavily restricted. Now I know how that queen of homemakers (not Rachel Ray people!)and female white collar crime trailblazer Martha Stewart felt with that pesky electronic bracelet on. Of course my leg exerciser requires me to be reclined a minimum of 6 hours daily( some people would seize on this as excuse to eat bonbons and watch Oprah-not I)But it's still hard to find a nice outfit to go with it. Speaking of that, what is with the medical supply design teams? In an era when appliances come in fabu colors like Stem,Pumpkinseed and Gargle(a pale blue with a touch green,duh)how come sick people get to look at the same nasty ass colors that have been around for 50 yrs with the occasional royal blue thrown in. Did anyone tell hospitals that mauve is no longer au courant and that grey and light blue are not the perfect compliments for mauve unless you are trying to induce vomitting for a medical emergency!Sorry to those of you who have notupdated your decor since the 80's-just call it retro! Then there's crutches. Mmm-silver with ugly grey rubber pads or silver with gross flesh colored pads,how's a girl to choose?? Maybe it's incentive to get us off crutches sooner. Anyone who's on crutches realizes that that being on crutches is all the incentive a person needs to get off them.However, my friend S (my ACL tear twin)will be on crutches 4 weeks longer than me (due to a near fracture of her tibia right where they need to attach the ACL)and deserves better choices than flesh or gray. I actually schlepped S to another store for the "more attractive"(are you kidding?) gray rubber (good choice S!)because the flesh was just too disturbing to look at. Now we get to the brace-how 'bout some color people! If you break your arm you can now have 7 different colors of cast wrappings. Cast wrappings that will get written on, start to stink after 3 days and eventually be thrown in the trash. Worse things may happen if you're on out-of-it drugs. Your friends (supporting the phrase "if you take the R out of friends it spells fiends") may color your cast completely black and super glue a wooden panda head to it,but I digress. Braces should come in at least a few color choices or patterns. I mean heck there's a whole bunch of teeny bopper/teenage athletes who are constantly hurting themselves in the pursuit of their parent's Olympic goals who really deserve something cute to wear on the bench. Plus you get to keep your brace. If it were a car or Crocs you'd be picking accesories for it. Maybe when you were done you could even sell it on Ebay(eew yucky!).
I will give credit to the wheel chair industry who is finally making light weight chromacolor wheelchairs that come in such awesome shades I've actually been compelled to compliment people on their wheels! Maybe there's still hope for the rest of the industry.
One last suggestion. Could the orthodontic industry please stop making those disgusting colored rubberbands? If I wanted my kids to have green,orange and black on their teeth I'd feed them spinach,pixie stixs and black jelly beans -and skip the every 6 month dental visits!
Oh yeah- as promisde here's a sentancd typed whl e th elaptop is on the mov e,Unedited! (ya think?)
I will give credit to the wheel chair industry who is finally making light weight chromacolor wheelchairs that come in such awesome shades I've actually been compelled to compliment people on their wheels! Maybe there's still hope for the rest of the industry.
One last suggestion. Could the orthodontic industry please stop making those disgusting colored rubberbands? If I wanted my kids to have green,orange and black on their teeth I'd feed them spinach,pixie stixs and black jelly beans -and skip the every 6 month dental visits!
Oh yeah- as promisde here's a sentancd typed whl e th elaptop is on the mov e,Unedited! (ya think?)
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Success !
Yes, you saw it here first-Loving Husband has agreed to to provide me with the damn TV! I pointed out that he actually spent 5 whole days in the hospital with his (somewhat more serious) kidney operation,while they threw me out the AM after my (somewhat less serious)surgery. I mean I'm not egomaniacal enough to put my surgery on the same level as his -I just want a freakin' TV so that while my leg is going up and down -with no help from me-there is something I can control! besides I'm sure I'm missing valuable episodes of Jerry Springer. Someone out there is sleeping with their sister's standard poodle and his cat has become homicidally jealous and is placing photos of the tryst on the internet, and I want to see it! watching a cat give a dog a beatdown and commit internet black mail is "must see TV".
The children have been very busy building alternate abodes over the last few days. My pioneer husband coerced them into cutting as many trees as possible while I was unable to do anything about it and turn them into small hovels(I mean forts) around the yard. This is wonderful because I was really looking for some new structures to highlight my beautiful gardens(there's nothing up yet-but I'm never one to miss potential)this season. The creation of these forts requires the kids to spend much outside using hammers,saws,axes and tresspassing on people's property (my crazy neighbor behind us) for materials. Said children are between the ages of 10 and 17 so I feel comfortable that they fully appreciate the concentration and safety requirements of using these tools. I did draw the line when one of EC's friends wanted to use the chainsaw "just for a minute". I told him I need a signed notorized document absolving us of any and all liability for any unexpected, wildly bloody carnage which may or may not take place. He was redirected to the kitchen for a serrated bread knife. That pretty much took care of that.
Getting back to the materials of these structures. My children and their friends are building using only recycled,green sustainable materials. Hey, we may have 5 cars ,3 dirtbikes,2 lawn tractors and a motorboat but dammit, the environment matters!(acually it is really important to us-I promise).Anyway one of the components of the huts is bamboo. This is where the tresspassing comes in. The largest stand of bamboo is in the woods behind the house and borders on the crazy witches property behind us.
So they're traipsing around back there cutting down stalks when they see her and her ex cop husband lurking around watching them.Of course the kids freaked-she could snap at any moment-and came running home to tell me. They decided to retrieve the pieces in deep night when it was safer. However for a reason no one actually knows they went back down during the day. Apparently they are all caught up on Jerry Springer behind us,because the kids found her sitting in the a lawn chair amongst the bamboo(now who needs a hobby)! Last I checked people were begging people to dig up,cut,or otherwise eradicate bamboo from their property before it takes over the house and they can't open the doors! I think she was packing heat! Anyway the children emerged unscathed with all their bamboo and continue to build lovely outbuildings around the property.
Tomorrow: I type a whole uncorrected sentence with my laptop moving around!
Stay tuned!
The children have been very busy building alternate abodes over the last few days. My pioneer husband coerced them into cutting as many trees as possible while I was unable to do anything about it and turn them into small hovels(I mean forts) around the yard. This is wonderful because I was really looking for some new structures to highlight my beautiful gardens(there's nothing up yet-but I'm never one to miss potential)this season. The creation of these forts requires the kids to spend much outside using hammers,saws,axes and tresspassing on people's property (my crazy neighbor behind us) for materials. Said children are between the ages of 10 and 17 so I feel comfortable that they fully appreciate the concentration and safety requirements of using these tools. I did draw the line when one of EC's friends wanted to use the chainsaw "just for a minute". I told him I need a signed notorized document absolving us of any and all liability for any unexpected, wildly bloody carnage which may or may not take place. He was redirected to the kitchen for a serrated bread knife. That pretty much took care of that.
Getting back to the materials of these structures. My children and their friends are building using only recycled,green sustainable materials. Hey, we may have 5 cars ,3 dirtbikes,2 lawn tractors and a motorboat but dammit, the environment matters!(acually it is really important to us-I promise).Anyway one of the components of the huts is bamboo. This is where the tresspassing comes in. The largest stand of bamboo is in the woods behind the house and borders on the crazy witches property behind us.
So they're traipsing around back there cutting down stalks when they see her and her ex cop husband lurking around watching them.Of course the kids freaked-she could snap at any moment-and came running home to tell me. They decided to retrieve the pieces in deep night when it was safer. However for a reason no one actually knows they went back down during the day. Apparently they are all caught up on Jerry Springer behind us,because the kids found her sitting in the a lawn chair amongst the bamboo(now who needs a hobby)! Last I checked people were begging people to dig up,cut,or otherwise eradicate bamboo from their property before it takes over the house and they can't open the doors! I think she was packing heat! Anyway the children emerged unscathed with all their bamboo and continue to build lovely outbuildings around the property.
Tomorrow: I type a whole uncorrected sentence with my laptop moving around!
Stay tuned!
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
From the Mouths of Husbands
,j2u Just when I thought I'd figured out how to type with the laptop on the move I hit something that makes that,j2u,(again apparently)come up!!! I think perhaps this is just the challenge I need to while away the hours of boredom hooked up to this machine. I've finally decided that after 5 days I actually miss television. So last night I mention this fact to the love of my life(and the father of my children bless his heart)and here's what he says! He says"You know I would be happy to hook a TV up in this room for you,but I have some concerns." Somehow I was stupid enough to think they had something to do with wiring so I politely asked "what concerns?" What came next was one of the stupidest things he has ever said during the course of our mostly delightful marriage. He said(drumroll,please)"I'm concerned that having a TV will give you less incentive to get up and do stuff around the house." No,he was not hammered-but he needed to be. A., can I borrow your mallet in between kids? Now I realise that I was laying there,pillows under my head eating dinner and being my usual scintillating self and since I always lounge around I can see how he might be concerned. But "gee honey" how can you not notice that I have a huge black(don't these come in a nice floral?)brace on my leg??? And the last time I checked elevating and keeping it iced involved a reclined position. Of course my preferred reclining iced position involves vodka but Percocet will have to do.I will strive to be patient with mt loved one for he knows not what he says. Meanwhile someone better get me a damn TV.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Back on Island Time
Hi Everyone One! This has been one big, sometimes unpleasant adventure. Thanks to everyone who has visited and brought food and CHOCOLATE. I'm also flattered that you all have been checking on my blog everyday and asking me about my next post-however-did any of you people notice that I am hopped up on enough painkillers to actually allow a freight train (or Lindsey Lohan while she's hitting our PECO poles) run me over and not feel it!!?? This makes many things highly amusing but my will to share them only goes as far as to say "wow that would maked a good blo....zzzzzz". So you see my dilemma. I'm also pretty sure during this time anything I typed would have looked like pig latin (actually I checked the translate into pig latin box when I was setting up the blog so if you'd like to read that version,knock yourself out).
Anyway I've cut back on the Percocet(not by choice),I noticed I could see the bottom of the bottle and I have to have a refill ok'd by the doctor. I don't want to look like a woose (how the heck do you spell that?)or a drug addicted suburban housewife(a bad example for the kids)!!
Anyway know that Ive tapered back(boohoo) and all the anethesia has left the building I feel like bloggin' at you all. So I've grabbed my laptop and was all excited to pop it on lap and and start pounding away.That's when I encountered my first problem! As some of you know I'm on this passive motion machine which bends my leg for me. This most of the exercise I'm allowed and I do it 6 hr s a day. They should make one of these for your whole body-you could eat bonbons while you do it! I never realized that when you lift your leg up and down your lap moves back and forth. Consequently the laptop move forward and back,forward and back. This is a little like trying to type with my laptop on a raft in the ocean. I'm still typing pig latin but at least now I have the where withall to fix it(I think-don't pick on me I'm cripped!). I just hope I don't get sea sick!
That's all need vomitting with a brace on my leg-I guarantee you that all those nice people helping me would suddenly need to watch some emergency Animal Planet or go top off the gas tank at the local Wawa!
I will continue to regale you with the amusing anecdotes(special thanks to my family)-which I am unable to prevent, over the next few posts.
Remember "IT is what IT is " on the island!
Anyway I've cut back on the Percocet(not by choice),I noticed I could see the bottom of the bottle and I have to have a refill ok'd by the doctor. I don't want to look like a woose (how the heck do you spell that?)or a drug addicted suburban housewife(a bad example for the kids)!!
Anyway know that Ive tapered back(boohoo) and all the anethesia has left the building I feel like bloggin' at you all. So I've grabbed my laptop and was all excited to pop it on lap and and start pounding away.That's when I encountered my first problem! As some of you know I'm on this passive motion machine which bends my leg for me. This most of the exercise I'm allowed and I do it 6 hr s a day. They should make one of these for your whole body-you could eat bonbons while you do it! I never realized that when you lift your leg up and down your lap moves back and forth. Consequently the laptop move forward and back,forward and back. This is a little like trying to type with my laptop on a raft in the ocean. I'm still typing pig latin but at least now I have the where withall to fix it(I think-don't pick on me I'm cripped!). I just hope I don't get sea sick!
That's all need vomitting with a brace on my leg-I guarantee you that all those nice people helping me would suddenly need to watch some emergency Animal Planet or go top off the gas tank at the local Wawa!
I will continue to regale you with the amusing anecdotes(special thanks to my family)-which I am unable to prevent, over the next few posts.
Remember "IT is what IT is " on the island!
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Knee-Day
Well the day has finally arrived. Tomorrow my husbands fraternity brother(yes,he is a doctor) will cut into my knee,which of course feels pretty good and make it feel pretty bad. I know this is how it's supposed to work. I know the better it feels before they go in the easier the recovery-but jeez I can almost see why people don't get ACL reconstruction done.
Except that I prefer to know my knee will be stable when I have to dodge cars on our personal autobahn to get the mail!
The hospital called and I have be there at 7:15 am. I hope the doc has his coffee because I don't want him dozing off with a drill in his hands. I could end up with all kinds funky, unorthodox piercings (actually they'd just be holes, but I needed a euphemism to make it more palatable). Not to mention I just found out that the heart pumps with enough pressure to shoot your blood 30ft (thanks Mom). Wow, the operating room would look like a Monty Python skit.As long as I don't wake up to "bring out your dead" I'll be happy.
I'm actually more worried about after I get home. Think about this, I am immobilized temporarily and at the mercy of my family!! There's a good chance they'll just shut me out on the porch and forget me-thereby starving me to death!Oh well maybe I'll write book about it called "The ACL Recovery Diet" at least my butt won't get big. Worse than that would be leaving the door open and letting me see all the stuff they aren't doing! Oh- like I can bend over and pick any of it up,won't you all just love that. Maybe they'll turn it into a crutch obstacle course and force me to beat my best time in order to get my next meal(this would be the exercise chapter of the book).
Actually I have a wonderful family who will take good care of me,thanks guys! Thanks Mom & Dad-who are on their way here right now!
And if they don't I'll put it in my blog-ahh the power!!!!
I'm off for a couple of Ketel One Citroens and an exceptionally fattening "last meal". I will not repeat all the eating I did on my birthday I promise!
Please Pray,
Beth
Except that I prefer to know my knee will be stable when I have to dodge cars on our personal autobahn to get the mail!
The hospital called and I have be there at 7:15 am. I hope the doc has his coffee because I don't want him dozing off with a drill in his hands. I could end up with all kinds funky, unorthodox piercings (actually they'd just be holes, but I needed a euphemism to make it more palatable). Not to mention I just found out that the heart pumps with enough pressure to shoot your blood 30ft (thanks Mom). Wow, the operating room would look like a Monty Python skit.As long as I don't wake up to "bring out your dead" I'll be happy.
I'm actually more worried about after I get home. Think about this, I am immobilized temporarily and at the mercy of my family!! There's a good chance they'll just shut me out on the porch and forget me-thereby starving me to death!Oh well maybe I'll write book about it called "The ACL Recovery Diet" at least my butt won't get big. Worse than that would be leaving the door open and letting me see all the stuff they aren't doing! Oh- like I can bend over and pick any of it up,won't you all just love that. Maybe they'll turn it into a crutch obstacle course and force me to beat my best time in order to get my next meal(this would be the exercise chapter of the book).
Actually I have a wonderful family who will take good care of me,thanks guys! Thanks Mom & Dad-who are on their way here right now!
And if they don't I'll put it in my blog-ahh the power!!!!
I'm off for a couple of Ketel One Citroens and an exceptionally fattening "last meal". I will not repeat all the eating I did on my birthday I promise!
Please Pray,
Beth
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Not Too Swift
Yesterday we met with EC's new migraine doctor. She was awesome and left us feeling like their was hope after all, maybe even without drugs(Good grief -a teenager not interested in doing drugs!)which is EC's wish! The only unsettling moment was when she shared with us that she and her mother did CIA boot camp together! I was very impressed-I asked why they did it and she answered "for fun". Now call me an underachiever but CIA boot camp does not sound like something you do for kicks and giggles!! And not with your 60 some year old mom (no offense Ma)! It's also alarming that the CIA lets random old ladies and neurologists come to "camp" security?! So WOW we were a lot impressed and a little scared. As she was describing her experience it became apparent we were not all on the same page. Apparently she was referring to the somewhat less top secret,less strenous Culinary Institute of America boot camp! We should have figured it out since we had just talked about my Culinary Arts degree-but NO(I blame it on daylight savings time).Fortunately we all managed to keep our mouths shut and not say anything that might give away the fact that we were complete idiots!! but as soon as our butts were out that door....
I feel like I've been gypping YC out of blog time. It's not that his life is less interesting (he has a better social life than me!)nor is it dull(there's always something) it's just that I'm having trouble making fun of him. I must say though that his judgement seems to be getting some what more impaired the older he gets. This was evidenced by his appearance at the front door in Saturday's rainstorm. Now you send a kid to friends house when its raining and you expect that they spend the day playing HALO-right? I mean they do this every freakin' sunny day! But alas no,they take this opportunity to creek jump.Obviously YC missed the boat because when he showed up at the door he looked like-well,Erie Dog(although he has considerably more hair on his head.)! Now ,the boy has ONE pair of shoes!!! That ONE pair of shoes costs $60!!! They are the ONLY shoes that don't hurt his feet-this is why I layout that much green for feet that never seem to stop growing(along with the rest of him). This ONE pair of shoes was on his feet when he missed the boat and are now so wet you could keep goldfish in them !!! It is now Tuesday, for those of you who need to use your fingers- 3 DAYS !! They can still be heard sloshing away in the furnace room! No, I will not put them in the dryer-I like my dryer. Okay, well I'd rather have the cherry red LG dryer but I'd have to break the washer too so they'd match. Besides-I can't afford new appliances (maybe PECO can help me out here)I have to buy SHOES!
See maybe I can share more YC than I thought!
I feel like I've been gypping YC out of blog time. It's not that his life is less interesting (he has a better social life than me!)nor is it dull(there's always something) it's just that I'm having trouble making fun of him. I must say though that his judgement seems to be getting some what more impaired the older he gets. This was evidenced by his appearance at the front door in Saturday's rainstorm. Now you send a kid to friends house when its raining and you expect that they spend the day playing HALO-right? I mean they do this every freakin' sunny day! But alas no,they take this opportunity to creek jump.Obviously YC missed the boat because when he showed up at the door he looked like-well,Erie Dog(although he has considerably more hair on his head.)! Now ,the boy has ONE pair of shoes!!! That ONE pair of shoes costs $60!!! They are the ONLY shoes that don't hurt his feet-this is why I layout that much green for feet that never seem to stop growing(along with the rest of him). This ONE pair of shoes was on his feet when he missed the boat and are now so wet you could keep goldfish in them !!! It is now Tuesday, for those of you who need to use your fingers- 3 DAYS !! They can still be heard sloshing away in the furnace room! No, I will not put them in the dryer-I like my dryer. Okay, well I'd rather have the cherry red LG dryer but I'd have to break the washer too so they'd match. Besides-I can't afford new appliances (maybe PECO can help me out here)I have to buy SHOES!
See maybe I can share more YC than I thought!
Sunday, March 9, 2008
Dog Update from the Island
Poor Big Dog (Erie). He stayed outside in the rain for 3 hrs refusing to come in. He was totally soaked and shaking, which looks especially bad on a dog with bald patches ! Kinda like guys with comb-overs in the pool!!! No treats,no begging from us not even Little Dog (Kody) could get him in. Finally a downpour where I swear 1" fell in about 30 seconds sent him scrambling in the back door. Erie's going to need a shot of thorazine and a horse tranquilizer next time we lose power. Oh yeah and when he does get those shots PECO I'm sending the bill to YOU!
On a more festive note we attended the 19TH BIRTHDAY of my friend EMILY last night! Emily is the only person who I know that takes being the Birthday Girl more seriously than me. In fact, she is basically a Birthday Nazi (think soup nazi from Seinfeld this is a light hearted blog,dude). And this birthday was a blowout. We all had so much to be grateful for. Emily had spinal fusion surgery in January for scoliosis and ended up back in the hospital about week later with fluid in her lungs. Now,this operation sucks for everyone, but Emily has Down's Syndrome which has it's own set of challenges. She is truly the bravest girl I know!
Anyway Emily enjoys her birthday at a decibal level that can sometimes only be heard by dogs. I swear that 2 blocks over my dogs (again) were hiding under furniture when she opened the t-shirt with Zach Efron's picture on it! You go girl-work those lungs!! I don't get the Zach Efron thing (I have Boys)but any party with 2 cakes ,tons of presents and your best-friend making sure everyone knows it's "All about YOU" is truly awesome!
The island has returned!!!
On a more festive note we attended the 19TH BIRTHDAY of my friend EMILY last night! Emily is the only person who I know that takes being the Birthday Girl more seriously than me. In fact, she is basically a Birthday Nazi (think soup nazi from Seinfeld this is a light hearted blog,dude). And this birthday was a blowout. We all had so much to be grateful for. Emily had spinal fusion surgery in January for scoliosis and ended up back in the hospital about week later with fluid in her lungs. Now,this operation sucks for everyone, but Emily has Down's Syndrome which has it's own set of challenges. She is truly the bravest girl I know!
Anyway Emily enjoys her birthday at a decibal level that can sometimes only be heard by dogs. I swear that 2 blocks over my dogs (again) were hiding under furniture when she opened the t-shirt with Zach Efron's picture on it! You go girl-work those lungs!! I don't get the Zach Efron thing (I have Boys)but any party with 2 cakes ,tons of presents and your best-friend making sure everyone knows it's "All about YOU" is truly awesome!
The island has returned!!!
Saturday, March 8, 2008
Post from a small village in Russia
Now, I know what you're thinking. She is not in Russia! You know this because my Profile says I live in Pennsylvania. I also have a non-working right ACL which means I am not skiing,which is the only reason I would go to Russia in the first place.
I know I am not in Russia because I have running water, vodka is not considered a legitimate blood thinner (I confirmed this during my pre-op testing) and if a nurse asks the average person which hand is the good one( to not take blood from) they do not answer:" the one I use to hold my vodka"! Alright so I answered that but I couldn't help it, it was too irreverent to go to waste.
But Listen up PECO Energy!!!!!
There is no excuse for the electricity going off everytime it rains like some freakin' third world country. The frequency with which our power goes on off is is on par with the number of DUI's that Lindsey Lohan has racked up (maybe she's driving around drunk hitting our poles!). We are not talking thunderstorms,hurricanes or tornadoes here! We are talking about plain old rain-gentle plant loving rain, rain for singing in, rain that ducks like. Maybe one of your highly skilled technicians needs to screw the covers on the boxes tighter of replace the waterproof seals. Maybe you could just tape a nice plastic bag over the box-that would keep the water out until you geniuses figure out how to fix this!!
I do not wish to pay several hundred dollars every month for half cooked food and carpal tunnel syndrome from resetting the clocks every fifteen minutes! In fact I am going to start sending you some of my bills so you can pay them!
First I'll be sending you my bills for new versions of every appliance you kill with a power surge!
These may include but are not exclusive to plasma TVs, computers and the rechargeable taser I use to keep the kids in line (just kidding I use a hockey stick).
The next bills are from my dog's shrink,cardiologist and regular vet. My poor follicley challenged Norwegian Elkhound (the "elkhound patterned baldness" is not PECO's fault but I'm still pissed) has a heart attack everytime the power goes on and off. Today the beeping and whirring drove the poor dog out the back door into the pouring rain-the dog hates the rain. He's actually been known to hold his pee for 24 hrs rather than go outside in the rain. This will take years of therapy to fix-pretty soon he's going to freak out everytime we turn a lamp off. He already runs when the coffee maker beeps (why 5 times- dude, no one is that asleep!).
My final bill is from the hairdresser who had to fix the mess on my head that happened when I could no longer time how long the dye was on my hair-not everyone looks good with short hair that appears to have been broken off like icicles.
The above things did not actually happen (except the poor dog) but had this been an actual emergency-oh yeah we wouldn't know 'cause the power was off!!!!
WHO MOVED MY ISLAND ^#^**?
WHO MOVED MY ISLAND ^#^**?
Welcome to Russia!!!
Thursday, March 6, 2008
Burning Questions
Apparently I needed a day to recover from the festivities of truly great birthday. Thanks to all who contributed to my 2 hr nap and 4hrs of icing my knee. It was soooo worth it!
Today I've returned and am feeling irreverent and snarky so read on at own risk!
I've come up with a bunch of questions and musings that may of may not require some kind answer. If I've got one I'll share it (aren't you lucky?),if not I'll probably just snark about it.
Here goes!
I'm having ACL replacement surgery next Thursday-WHY can NO ONE figure out if I will be in the hospital over night???? Here's the current breakdown of responses:
Ortho Surgeon- YES (as long as it's less than 23hrs)
Scheduling Sect.- NO (surgeon doesn't like to keep anyone overnight)
Ortho Phys. Asst.- YES
Hospital RN(pre admission)- NO (4-6 hrs max unless my knee explodes or something)
The pre admission nurse suggested that if it made me feel better I could pack an overnite bag in
case I did stay. THIS DOES NOT MAKE ME FEEL ANY BETTER!!! She has lost her mind-how do I know I won't be hanging around in the hall after my surgery while everyone points fingers at everyone else about where the hell I'm supposed to be. Jeez- at least I know we all agree it's the right ACL(just to make sure they write "cut here" in sharpie for the surgeon before he goes in) and who the surgeon is.
Who the surgeon is brings me to a rhetorical question. Should you let one of your husbands frat brother cut into your body (yes he's a real doctor). Especially if your husband suggests a pizza and beer laced reunion in the operating room and the surgeons eyes light up at this thought. I suppose as long as I'm out and no one drops a freakin' pepperoni in the incision ( which will later be I.D.'d as a new meniscus by his lawyers during my malpractice suit) I shouldn"t let this bother me.
Clearly frat brothers leads to teenage males(right?).
EC's friends all show up yesterday to play STREET hockey. They are now all drivers and never miss an opportunity to complain about what people outside the car are doing that is stupid and dangerous. Not to mention their desire to now criticize everyone elses driving! I promptly inform them not to play in our street (4167 th time) due to poor visibility and the fact that an above average number of people seem to think they are in Germany on the Autobahn not Pennsylvania. Helloooo-Do any of you see shnitzel stands on the street corners??? As usual they say "OK" we're headed down toward "G's" house. Now this was not a lie exactly-they walked that way til they thought I couldn't see them (4167 th time) which now places them on the worst curve of the road. BOYS THIS IS NOT BRIGHT (said t00 many times to count)! Gave the "You're drivers now and you would probably run yourselves over if you were driving" speech. Received the classic defensive comebacks- "would not!" and "if we were driving we wouldn't be in the street playing hockey". Not my point -my point is this: If teenage boys can't figure out that they are in danger of being run over how do we think they decide whether they are going to run something over? Where the freak do they keep their brains???(no answer for this).
Last item :Why is Grecian Formula using 2 preteen girls to advertise they're product?
Here's the scenario. Two girls tell Dad "it's time"( for what-the talk, his meds, their period?) and produce a box of hair dye for their old gray Dad. Next things you know Dad's on a date with a hot middle aged woman(hey-they exist!) and the girls are thrilled. Dude, any one who watches Lifetime knows this is not how it goes! This is how it really goes :Dad colors hair, girls go through his stuff to see why. Discover date. Stalk potential mommy dearest and leave dead hamsters in her car. Date puzzles aloud about the hamsters. Dad goes on date -girls poison wine that Dad brings as gift. Date drinks wine-keels over-Daddy is blamed and goes to prison. Girls grow up to be porn stars and blame Dad's murderous ways for their profession. Dad gets religion and parole and saves the girls from a life of debauchery. They live happily ever after on Fantasy Island ! Clearly I've been watching too much CSI Vegas! But you get my drift. Good luck Grecian Formula!
I think I've given you plenty to consider for one day-don't let your brain explode form the effort-you'll just have to clean it up!
Today I've returned and am feeling irreverent and snarky so read on at own risk!
I've come up with a bunch of questions and musings that may of may not require some kind answer. If I've got one I'll share it (aren't you lucky?),if not I'll probably just snark about it.
Here goes!
I'm having ACL replacement surgery next Thursday-WHY can NO ONE figure out if I will be in the hospital over night???? Here's the current breakdown of responses:
Ortho Surgeon- YES (as long as it's less than 23hrs)
Scheduling Sect.- NO (surgeon doesn't like to keep anyone overnight)
Ortho Phys. Asst.- YES
Hospital RN(pre admission)- NO (4-6 hrs max unless my knee explodes or something)
The pre admission nurse suggested that if it made me feel better I could pack an overnite bag in
case I did stay. THIS DOES NOT MAKE ME FEEL ANY BETTER!!! She has lost her mind-how do I know I won't be hanging around in the hall after my surgery while everyone points fingers at everyone else about where the hell I'm supposed to be. Jeez- at least I know we all agree it's the right ACL(just to make sure they write "cut here" in sharpie for the surgeon before he goes in) and who the surgeon is.
Who the surgeon is brings me to a rhetorical question. Should you let one of your husbands frat brother cut into your body (yes he's a real doctor). Especially if your husband suggests a pizza and beer laced reunion in the operating room and the surgeons eyes light up at this thought. I suppose as long as I'm out and no one drops a freakin' pepperoni in the incision ( which will later be I.D.'d as a new meniscus by his lawyers during my malpractice suit) I shouldn"t let this bother me.
Clearly frat brothers leads to teenage males(right?).
EC's friends all show up yesterday to play STREET hockey. They are now all drivers and never miss an opportunity to complain about what people outside the car are doing that is stupid and dangerous. Not to mention their desire to now criticize everyone elses driving! I promptly inform them not to play in our street (4167 th time) due to poor visibility and the fact that an above average number of people seem to think they are in Germany on the Autobahn not Pennsylvania. Helloooo-Do any of you see shnitzel stands on the street corners??? As usual they say "OK" we're headed down toward "G's" house. Now this was not a lie exactly-they walked that way til they thought I couldn't see them (4167 th time) which now places them on the worst curve of the road. BOYS THIS IS NOT BRIGHT (said t00 many times to count)! Gave the "You're drivers now and you would probably run yourselves over if you were driving" speech. Received the classic defensive comebacks- "would not!" and "if we were driving we wouldn't be in the street playing hockey". Not my point -my point is this: If teenage boys can't figure out that they are in danger of being run over how do we think they decide whether they are going to run something over? Where the freak do they keep their brains???(no answer for this).
Last item :Why is Grecian Formula using 2 preteen girls to advertise they're product?
Here's the scenario. Two girls tell Dad "it's time"( for what-the talk, his meds, their period?) and produce a box of hair dye for their old gray Dad. Next things you know Dad's on a date with a hot middle aged woman(hey-they exist!) and the girls are thrilled. Dude, any one who watches Lifetime knows this is not how it goes! This is how it really goes :Dad colors hair, girls go through his stuff to see why. Discover date. Stalk potential mommy dearest and leave dead hamsters in her car. Date puzzles aloud about the hamsters. Dad goes on date -girls poison wine that Dad brings as gift. Date drinks wine-keels over-Daddy is blamed and goes to prison. Girls grow up to be porn stars and blame Dad's murderous ways for their profession. Dad gets religion and parole and saves the girls from a life of debauchery. They live happily ever after on Fantasy Island ! Clearly I've been watching too much CSI Vegas! But you get my drift. Good luck Grecian Formula!
I think I've given you plenty to consider for one day-don't let your brain explode form the effort-you'll just have to clean it up!
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Happy Birthday to Me !!!
I suppose you can tell from the title that I love Birthdays. Think about this-food, flowers, food, cards,food (eaten out),presents and Cake ! You do not have to share this loot with anyone. If you're lucky people cater to your every whim and if they don't you just remind them "Hey it's my birthday". Sometimes if you have enough friends and far away family the festivities can go on for days!!!
Getting older is good too. I mean it-think about if you didn't. Aside from the fact that you would be dead or frozen in time, no one else would get older either. Your kids would never grow up, go to college, come home to live and pretend to look for job while really enjoying the fruits of your labor. Okay so my kids are 11 & 16 so I don't know, but I swear I've heard from reliable sources. Also how would you choose when to stop getting older? You certainly don't know what you might be missing. At 18 you think 30 is old! If I had stopped there I would miss my husband,my kids, my Porsche and years and years of cake & presents. So I recommend embracing the birthday concept (it's like the apocolypse- it's coming anyway-only kidding!) and have a blast. Open those presents ,drink a glass of champagne and enjoy the fact that you're around to drive everyone crazy for another year!
Getting older is good too. I mean it-think about if you didn't. Aside from the fact that you would be dead or frozen in time, no one else would get older either. Your kids would never grow up, go to college, come home to live and pretend to look for job while really enjoying the fruits of your labor. Okay so my kids are 11 & 16 so I don't know, but I swear I've heard from reliable sources. Also how would you choose when to stop getting older? You certainly don't know what you might be missing. At 18 you think 30 is old! If I had stopped there I would miss my husband,my kids, my Porsche and years and years of cake & presents. So I recommend embracing the birthday concept (it's like the apocolypse- it's coming anyway-only kidding!) and have a blast. Open those presents ,drink a glass of champagne and enjoy the fact that you're around to drive everyone crazy for another year!
Monday, March 3, 2008
OOPS
Oops-Mom just pointed out there are no pics out there of the "calamity". We're too technologically challenged to figure out how to get them from the phone to the PC to the blog!
Maybe the crippled, immobile, thus captive EC can assist. We'll keep trying.
Maybe the crippled, immobile, thus captive EC can assist. We'll keep trying.
What Fresh Hell
Wow a ton of s@#$t has happened since yesterday. As usual most of it falls under the heading of What fresh Hell is This ?!.
First the things that do not fall under that heading(at least for me personally, I can't speak for anyone else) at this moment.
GOOD STUFF
The eldest child final got his Learners Permit! He has been 16 since Christmas Eve,but having decided everyone else could cart him around he sat around and played Halo and read about sports on the internet.I know most parents would be thrilled by that ,but Dude we have 5 cars! Do we sound like a family of non-drivers to you?
My husband finished the porch renovation which we've been at for about 6 mos.and it's stunning! Just in time too I'll be sleeping out there after ACL surgery. I bought a lovely red sofa bed which we were actually able to cram through the doorways - after we took the legs off.
Husband and youngest child (YC) are not currently injured. Don't laugh!
FRESH HELL
While shopping for said ACL bedroom furniture with one of my best friends "A" who has had her own pail of doodie hitting the fan lately, another BF, "S" calls my cell. She promptly asked me if this was "the leg in a box club president"? Okay,so if you don't know, when you destroy any part of your knee/leg skiing Ski Patrol whisks you down the mountain where the Medic dudes fit you with a chic cardboard box fastened with packing tape to immobilize your leg. So, as I know "S" has been skiing I know she has a big problem. Yes, she has blown out her knee skiing and is currently trying to figure out how to go to the bathroom without standing on it. At our age hopping when you have to pee is not the ideal option (think Poise). She asks for my crutches which I will not need until after surgery. Her college aged daughter and apparently medical chauffer picked them up last night. They now have their own pail of doodie hitting the fan!
Meanwhile my eldest child(EC) has spent the day dirt biking with 15 of his friends on somebodies 40 acre property(with permission it hasn't gotten that bad yet!). Obviously that falls into someone elses "Fresh Hell" but at least it's not mine. No one is maimed, injured, or otherwise physically damaged(I know it looks like this should go under "Good Things" be patient)! In fact he's not even really dirty and someone else fed him-a bonus! But, here it comes-Dad asks him to help bring the sofa bed in the house.Now the look on EC's face says " I would rather stuff live eels down my pants than help you" and is followed by the super surly teenager look. But he does it anyway. As they are jamming it through the front gate he drops his portion, little bro and Dad still have theirs, then grabs his back. After a moment play resumes and the couch is dragged through the house and set up. Thanks Boys!!!!
Okay here it is-today EC cannot move!!! The back is in full on spasm and he can't even sit up by himself!! See I told you: "Fresh Hell"! He is also 2- yes 2- flights of stairs away from me in his room !! So you see how this is going-since we live in an old house maybe I can find a hole in the floor to drop food and meds down that is right over his bed! Okay, it's a nice house with only little holes where we've run wire for speakers and Halo Live of course. At least I don't have to crutch up and down the stairs which would probably eventually cause me to fall and well you know...
Time to check and see if any new "Fresh Hell" has developed while I've been updating this-
Beth Out.
First the things that do not fall under that heading(at least for me personally, I can't speak for anyone else) at this moment.
GOOD STUFF
The eldest child final got his Learners Permit! He has been 16 since Christmas Eve,but having decided everyone else could cart him around he sat around and played Halo and read about sports on the internet.I know most parents would be thrilled by that ,but Dude we have 5 cars! Do we sound like a family of non-drivers to you?
My husband finished the porch renovation which we've been at for about 6 mos.and it's stunning! Just in time too I'll be sleeping out there after ACL surgery. I bought a lovely red sofa bed which we were actually able to cram through the doorways - after we took the legs off.
Husband and youngest child (YC) are not currently injured. Don't laugh!
FRESH HELL
While shopping for said ACL bedroom furniture with one of my best friends "A" who has had her own pail of doodie hitting the fan lately, another BF, "S" calls my cell. She promptly asked me if this was "the leg in a box club president"? Okay,so if you don't know, when you destroy any part of your knee/leg skiing Ski Patrol whisks you down the mountain where the Medic dudes fit you with a chic cardboard box fastened with packing tape to immobilize your leg. So, as I know "S" has been skiing I know she has a big problem. Yes, she has blown out her knee skiing and is currently trying to figure out how to go to the bathroom without standing on it. At our age hopping when you have to pee is not the ideal option (think Poise). She asks for my crutches which I will not need until after surgery. Her college aged daughter and apparently medical chauffer picked them up last night. They now have their own pail of doodie hitting the fan!
Meanwhile my eldest child(EC) has spent the day dirt biking with 15 of his friends on somebodies 40 acre property(with permission it hasn't gotten that bad yet!). Obviously that falls into someone elses "Fresh Hell" but at least it's not mine. No one is maimed, injured, or otherwise physically damaged(I know it looks like this should go under "Good Things" be patient)! In fact he's not even really dirty and someone else fed him-a bonus! But, here it comes-Dad asks him to help bring the sofa bed in the house.Now the look on EC's face says " I would rather stuff live eels down my pants than help you" and is followed by the super surly teenager look. But he does it anyway. As they are jamming it through the front gate he drops his portion, little bro and Dad still have theirs, then grabs his back. After a moment play resumes and the couch is dragged through the house and set up. Thanks Boys!!!!
Okay here it is-today EC cannot move!!! The back is in full on spasm and he can't even sit up by himself!! See I told you: "Fresh Hell"! He is also 2- yes 2- flights of stairs away from me in his room !! So you see how this is going-since we live in an old house maybe I can find a hole in the floor to drop food and meds down that is right over his bed! Okay, it's a nice house with only little holes where we've run wire for speakers and Halo Live of course. At least I don't have to crutch up and down the stairs which would probably eventually cause me to fall and well you know...
Time to check and see if any new "Fresh Hell" has developed while I've been updating this-
Beth Out.
Sunday, March 2, 2008
Go Big or Go Home
Well today I thought I would share with you how I discovered my new hobby, ACL reconstructive surgery and rehab. I'll even share with you(if I can figure it out) the lovely photos taken by my adoring husband which document my calamity. By the way, I just don't think we use the word calamity enough anymore.
Okay so I finally convince said husband to spend a beautiful perfect day skiing with the ski babe (yes me). We are on our last run and I have been a very good girl all day. I'm a more aggressive skier than him so I decide to go all out-next thing I know there's an older dude below the next ridge. I think I turned to avoid him(no this doesn't make his fault) and I shot over the front of my skis. This was not good! The I look up and my husband standing over me next the older dude asking me if I need ski patrol-HELLO! I thrashed 10 feet, heard the knee pop,the skis didn't release and my knee and leg are not,not moving even though I asked them all nice.
The next thing I know ski patrol is standing there asking me what happened,can I stand and for some obscure reason how old I am. I kind of felt that old woman in the "help I've fallen and I can't get up" ad. This ad campaign is much less funny when it's you. I kind of scrunched up my nose and shared my years with them. Turns out we were all the same age! In the midst of the lively banter my loved one whips out his phone so he can capture a Motorola moment! Thoughtfully the Ski Patrol offers to pose with me(see pics) and they pretend to give me CPR.
This was one of the most touching moments of our nearly 20 yrs.
After loading me into the "sled" while expressing some disappointment that weren't hauling me out of the terrian park so we could take some jumps, we headed down the hill with Jake "my driver for this trip". I warned Jake if he was going to hit a jump with me I wanted to get some real air-none of that virtual air crap. You know-Go Big or Go Home!!
One of the interesting things about being dragged off the hill was being stared at by old and young alike. It's a little being at your own funeral. All these parents are nudging their kids saying stuff like "this is why you wear a helmet" and "look she probably broke everything". What I most wanted to do is pop up like a dead person back to life and yell "BOO!". By dinnertime at someone's house I'm sure I was paralyzed in a horrible ski accident.
On the upside (sort of) when Ski Patrol turned me over to the medics they told them no matter what I said I was 36 yrs old. The next patrol guy who had my hubby and my skis told them I was 26. By the time I was in the building someone had decided I was 22. I prayed I would get out of there before I was younger than my kids!!
The ride home was uneventful as was the arrival home as my kids never stopped playing Halo until I screamed their names and announced I was home and HURT!!! Then they trundled up to ask if I was ok-HELLO my leg was taped into a cardboard box-and disappeared again. The younger one reappeared some time later to ask me what was for dinner. Oh yeah-Squat!Cereal!
After that my husband got me a nice Ketel One Citroen and tonic, ibuprofen and ice and set about making dinner for for the clan-thanks honey.
Happily I was able to get an MRI/XRAY the next day and diagnose my self with completely torn ACL. It was confirmed by my orthopaedist which is a story for another blog. I am awaiting surgery on March 13th.
Okay so I finally convince said husband to spend a beautiful perfect day skiing with the ski babe (yes me). We are on our last run and I have been a very good girl all day. I'm a more aggressive skier than him so I decide to go all out-next thing I know there's an older dude below the next ridge. I think I turned to avoid him(no this doesn't make his fault) and I shot over the front of my skis. This was not good! The I look up and my husband standing over me next the older dude asking me if I need ski patrol-HELLO! I thrashed 10 feet, heard the knee pop,the skis didn't release and my knee and leg are not,not moving even though I asked them all nice.
The next thing I know ski patrol is standing there asking me what happened,can I stand and for some obscure reason how old I am. I kind of felt that old woman in the "help I've fallen and I can't get up" ad. This ad campaign is much less funny when it's you. I kind of scrunched up my nose and shared my years with them. Turns out we were all the same age! In the midst of the lively banter my loved one whips out his phone so he can capture a Motorola moment! Thoughtfully the Ski Patrol offers to pose with me(see pics) and they pretend to give me CPR.
This was one of the most touching moments of our nearly 20 yrs.
After loading me into the "sled" while expressing some disappointment that weren't hauling me out of the terrian park so we could take some jumps, we headed down the hill with Jake "my driver for this trip". I warned Jake if he was going to hit a jump with me I wanted to get some real air-none of that virtual air crap. You know-Go Big or Go Home!!
One of the interesting things about being dragged off the hill was being stared at by old and young alike. It's a little being at your own funeral. All these parents are nudging their kids saying stuff like "this is why you wear a helmet" and "look she probably broke everything". What I most wanted to do is pop up like a dead person back to life and yell "BOO!". By dinnertime at someone's house I'm sure I was paralyzed in a horrible ski accident.
On the upside (sort of) when Ski Patrol turned me over to the medics they told them no matter what I said I was 36 yrs old. The next patrol guy who had my hubby and my skis told them I was 26. By the time I was in the building someone had decided I was 22. I prayed I would get out of there before I was younger than my kids!!
The ride home was uneventful as was the arrival home as my kids never stopped playing Halo until I screamed their names and announced I was home and HURT!!! Then they trundled up to ask if I was ok-HELLO my leg was taped into a cardboard box-and disappeared again. The younger one reappeared some time later to ask me what was for dinner. Oh yeah-Squat!Cereal!
After that my husband got me a nice Ketel One Citroen and tonic, ibuprofen and ice and set about making dinner for for the clan-thanks honey.
Happily I was able to get an MRI/XRAY the next day and diagnose my self with completely torn ACL. It was confirmed by my orthopaedist which is a story for another blog. I am awaiting surgery on March 13th.
Saturday, March 1, 2008
What IT means
Hi-
Welcome to my blog!
Recently my friends and I have been using the phrase" It is what it is" in nearly every conversation we are having(yes the crap is really hitting the fan lately). In this case IT is an explaination of the title of my blog. The blog my Mom encouraged me to do.Apparently I'm going to need some new hobbies-more on this later.
My blog could easily have been called a number of catchy titles with clever references to skiing,gardening or driving or even WHO ATE THE LAST POPTART! However since I will not be doing any of those things for awhile (except asking about the poptarts)I have decided that I will pretend that I'm on a carribean island. Unfortunately that only works when I'm asleep or on my 2nd vodka. As soon as I come back to reality I would like to know WHO MOVED MY ISLAND *#@!!!
The point of my blog is to entertain you and give me something to do while I'm laid up recovering from ACL reconstruction surgery(new hobby). If you're entertained enjoy reading,if not at least I have something to do.
I hope you have fun with it. I know I will.
Welcome to my blog!
Recently my friends and I have been using the phrase" It is what it is" in nearly every conversation we are having(yes the crap is really hitting the fan lately). In this case IT is an explaination of the title of my blog. The blog my Mom encouraged me to do.Apparently I'm going to need some new hobbies-more on this later.
My blog could easily have been called a number of catchy titles with clever references to skiing,gardening or driving or even WHO ATE THE LAST POPTART! However since I will not be doing any of those things for awhile (except asking about the poptarts)I have decided that I will pretend that I'm on a carribean island. Unfortunately that only works when I'm asleep or on my 2nd vodka. As soon as I come back to reality I would like to know WHO MOVED MY ISLAND *#@!!!
The point of my blog is to entertain you and give me something to do while I'm laid up recovering from ACL reconstruction surgery(new hobby). If you're entertained enjoy reading,if not at least I have something to do.
I hope you have fun with it. I know I will.
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