Friday, March 28, 2008
Cheerier Blog
I posted a new blog for anybody who wants a chuckle but it's after the " Not the Happy Blog". If you feel like rooting around you'll find it there-Cheers to the weekend !!!
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Not The Happy Blog
Good morning! Nice huh? Nope-that good morning is laced with enough sarcasm to make Simon Cowell seem like a delightful dinner companion. So much crap is hitting the fan on that pretty soon I'm going to have to buy those super flush toilets. You know the ones that you can flush a basket of golf balls and a cat down. Most of this would probably be no issue if it weren't for the fact that I'm so damn slow at everything, can't drive and am spending 6 hrs strapped to a machine that is neither a shiatsu massager or a blender for making frozen drinks.
Here are my complaints/issues and just plain bitching about stuff. By the way I've realized I don't type any more intelligibly with the laptop not moving-which pisses me off, but yay for spellcheck!
First and the least important is that a crazed robin continues to fling itself at the downstairs door. This is day 5 or 6, you'd think his little tiny brain would get it by now. This robin is dumb even by bird standards. It's mildly entertaining to stand in the window and scare the shit out of it when it pops up from the ground to attack itself,but I'm not crutching all the way down just for that. The sound is making me nuts! I'm on the verge of power-crutching down with a tennis racket,opening the door and playing a little badminton( I don't have a badminton racket,dude) with a real birdie!
I might get that chance since EC is home with a migraine today. You know what's really fun about that-NOTHING! He isn't even good company(not his fault). This is EC's worst time of the year for these and so far no meds are working. So glad I paid $65 for this current drug (no ins.$240) that barely works.Can you imagine if we had no insurance! I have 4 more treatments leftover, I wonder if it has a street value. If anyone knows someone who wants the rest of the meds (migranal nasal)for free by all means let me know. If you just want them so you can deal them -step off that's my gig bro! Just Kidding-I run an upright household here. Anyway once EC's headache subsides enough (don't worry it'll be back for an encore tomorrow) He'll have to drive me to the CVS so we can get a different drug.Wonder what this one will cost?
While they fill the prescription we can zip(yeah right)over to the grocery store for a cake that'll feed like 12 kids for tomorrows birthday party. This is YC's belated birthday sleepover
(oh yeah- you read it right!). It's put pushed back so many times he's almost 13. So like 12 kids are coming over,eating cake and spending the night (anybody have a taser?). This wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the fact that Loving Husband's staff just told him yesterday that they are having a goodbye Happy Hour for him after work( he's headed to another department). This is a big deal-drinks (of which I get O),appetizers(O again)and adult reverie(O a third time). So you see it's not like he can reschedule or blow it off . Very rude not to show up at your bon voyage party(only Prince can do that). Maybe I'll just put them all in the downstairs and turn on the video games to get them all riled up. Then when they're good and wild I'll throw the cake down the stairs and lock the door. Wow, I wish my mom had thrown parties like that when I was a kid! Maybe I wouldn't have smacked into the refrigerator blindfolded while playing pin-the-tail on the donkey and knocked myself out(although that should clear up a lot for all you readers).
After EC and I snag the cake (if his migraine hasn't returned and assuming I haven't developed one) we'll go have the oil changed in the SUV. This last task is completely my fault. Earlier in the week I felt bad 'cause Hubby is so busy what with me being cripped and all and him changing departments. Sooo- I volunteered EC and I to go down to the lube shop and have the oil changed. Hubbs already did the Honda si this week. It seemed like a splendid idea idea at the time but clearly I must still have had substantial Percocet still in my system and a total lack of premonition to have said this. Too late now-he reminded me on the way out this AM and gave me "the look" when I said I had my hands kind of full(unfortunately I probably deserved "the look")what with EC and all.
The only good things that happened this AM were that I woke up feeling dizzy and like I was going to hurl(be patient,it turns out ok). This was immediately alarming because I was needing to crutch all over the house to care for EC and because I really couldn't figure out how to toss my cookies with one leg locked straight! Basically I envisioned a giraffe like stance accompanied but much prayer that I would hit the mark when the time came. Thank goodness the time never came but it was daunting to think about and something you really don't have to consider most of the time! YC was very sweet and offered to stay home and take care of me. He's a very empathic boy and of course it was a win/win situation for him ,except for the barfing. I was touched but loaded his thoughtful butt onto the bus anyway.
On my way back from the bathroom just now my crutches fell for like the 400th time just this morning. What the hell is the point of using crutches to get around if every time I set them next to me the slide to the floor!? I'm either going to fall over picking them up or fall over them period! Earlier I dropped one down the stairs trying to get ready to take the flight. Good thing I don't need them to get around or anything! Someone needs to fix this problem or buy me a freak'in Segue(maybe not so good on the stairs). One of those stair chairs you see advertised in the Sunday paper would be useful but I'm sure the kids we be on it all the time( a real hit at parties) and then it would jam up with all the aminal ( I meant to type animal-really)fur in the house,void the warranty and we'd use it to hang coats on like the treadmill. I guess I'll just keep crutching along.
Tomorrow I will post the Happy Blog(if we're all lucky)
Enjoy yourselves-said with only a teeny bit of irritation thanks to the wild raving posted above.
Sorry-sort of.
Here are my complaints/issues and just plain bitching about stuff. By the way I've realized I don't type any more intelligibly with the laptop not moving-which pisses me off, but yay for spellcheck!
First and the least important is that a crazed robin continues to fling itself at the downstairs door. This is day 5 or 6, you'd think his little tiny brain would get it by now. This robin is dumb even by bird standards. It's mildly entertaining to stand in the window and scare the shit out of it when it pops up from the ground to attack itself,but I'm not crutching all the way down just for that. The sound is making me nuts! I'm on the verge of power-crutching down with a tennis racket,opening the door and playing a little badminton( I don't have a badminton racket,dude) with a real birdie!
I might get that chance since EC is home with a migraine today. You know what's really fun about that-NOTHING! He isn't even good company(not his fault). This is EC's worst time of the year for these and so far no meds are working. So glad I paid $65 for this current drug (no ins.$240) that barely works.Can you imagine if we had no insurance! I have 4 more treatments leftover, I wonder if it has a street value. If anyone knows someone who wants the rest of the meds (migranal nasal)for free by all means let me know. If you just want them so you can deal them -step off that's my gig bro! Just Kidding-I run an upright household here. Anyway once EC's headache subsides enough (don't worry it'll be back for an encore tomorrow) He'll have to drive me to the CVS so we can get a different drug.Wonder what this one will cost?
While they fill the prescription we can zip(yeah right)over to the grocery store for a cake that'll feed like 12 kids for tomorrows birthday party. This is YC's belated birthday sleepover
(oh yeah- you read it right!). It's put pushed back so many times he's almost 13. So like 12 kids are coming over,eating cake and spending the night (anybody have a taser?). This wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the fact that Loving Husband's staff just told him yesterday that they are having a goodbye Happy Hour for him after work( he's headed to another department). This is a big deal-drinks (of which I get O),appetizers(O again)and adult reverie(O a third time). So you see it's not like he can reschedule or blow it off . Very rude not to show up at your bon voyage party(only Prince can do that). Maybe I'll just put them all in the downstairs and turn on the video games to get them all riled up. Then when they're good and wild I'll throw the cake down the stairs and lock the door. Wow, I wish my mom had thrown parties like that when I was a kid! Maybe I wouldn't have smacked into the refrigerator blindfolded while playing pin-the-tail on the donkey and knocked myself out(although that should clear up a lot for all you readers).
After EC and I snag the cake (if his migraine hasn't returned and assuming I haven't developed one) we'll go have the oil changed in the SUV. This last task is completely my fault. Earlier in the week I felt bad 'cause Hubby is so busy what with me being cripped and all and him changing departments. Sooo- I volunteered EC and I to go down to the lube shop and have the oil changed. Hubbs already did the Honda si this week. It seemed like a splendid idea idea at the time but clearly I must still have had substantial Percocet still in my system and a total lack of premonition to have said this. Too late now-he reminded me on the way out this AM and gave me "the look" when I said I had my hands kind of full(unfortunately I probably deserved "the look")what with EC and all.
The only good things that happened this AM were that I woke up feeling dizzy and like I was going to hurl(be patient,it turns out ok). This was immediately alarming because I was needing to crutch all over the house to care for EC and because I really couldn't figure out how to toss my cookies with one leg locked straight! Basically I envisioned a giraffe like stance accompanied but much prayer that I would hit the mark when the time came. Thank goodness the time never came but it was daunting to think about and something you really don't have to consider most of the time! YC was very sweet and offered to stay home and take care of me. He's a very empathic boy and of course it was a win/win situation for him ,except for the barfing. I was touched but loaded his thoughtful butt onto the bus anyway.
On my way back from the bathroom just now my crutches fell for like the 400th time just this morning. What the hell is the point of using crutches to get around if every time I set them next to me the slide to the floor!? I'm either going to fall over picking them up or fall over them period! Earlier I dropped one down the stairs trying to get ready to take the flight. Good thing I don't need them to get around or anything! Someone needs to fix this problem or buy me a freak'in Segue(maybe not so good on the stairs). One of those stair chairs you see advertised in the Sunday paper would be useful but I'm sure the kids we be on it all the time( a real hit at parties) and then it would jam up with all the aminal ( I meant to type animal-really)fur in the house,void the warranty and we'd use it to hang coats on like the treadmill. I guess I'll just keep crutching along.
Tomorrow I will post the Happy Blog(if we're all lucky)
Enjoy yourselves-said with only a teeny bit of irritation thanks to the wild raving posted above.
Sorry-sort of.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Dumbest Waste of Airspace Award or the Happy Blog
I actually typed this yesterday but I didn't think you all could take 2 posts in one day-plus now I don't have to think of something new to entertain you today'
The Award for the Dumbest Show on earth.
First the title: Shopping Bags . Now, if I was going to name a show I would not imply that the shows stars not only need shopping bags but bags over their heads. The two women hosting are actually very attractive and almost completely stupid (think Jessica Simpson in a 40yr old body). The premise, comparative testing of items we would consider buying and telling us their favorites. Yesterdays items: pushup bras, jog strollers, flashlights and how to choose the right wine (red) for the perfect dinner.
These would seem like great items and useful evaluations, 'seem' being the operative word here. The push up bra was idiotic( I did tape it for my husband though-it's cheaper than real porn flicks). They compared cheap bras to expensive bras. Here's a shock-everyone hated the cheap bras! This was decided by the most important test I use to evaluate a push-up bra-dressing in crappy sweats and jumping up and down to see if my boobs fly out of the bra(hence the taping for hubby). Everyone I know wears a push up bra to aerobics class. Hello people- don't you think there'd be more guys in aerobics class if this was true! Next were the jog strollers. First, I think most women jog to get away from their kids but whatever. This test offered up two really useful suggestions. Make sure you get one that fits in your car(duh?) and always get hand brakes and foot brakes. Now junior doesn't have to roll away because you had to take a drink of water and scratch your nose at the same time while jogging. Of course I'm not sure how you set the foot brake while moving nor do I think anyone wants to add that kind of resistance to their running(aerobic exercise be damned). All strollers have foot brakes otherwise kids would be rolling all over the place and there'd be tons of ads by lawyers claiming to get top dollar for heartbreaking stroller injuries(they'd probably be wearing baby bonnets and bibs so you remember their firm).Next they gave tips on choosing the perfect wine. I must confess, I was in the other room and thought they said "Find the perfect wife for your dinner tonight". I didn't actually watch this segment so I can't make fun of it (hey I was hungry!)but they were testing shiraz which is not exactly rocket science. The last thing they tested was the most unnecessary,flashlights! Now everyone with kids knows you will not see any flashlight you purchase for more than 15 minutes. There's a reason they're usually impulse buys-you're never sure if the kids have taken the one you thought you knew you had. The ladies tested the flashlights by tromping around in the dark woods in their pushup bras with their jogging strollers looking for that bottle of shiraz. Okay, only the shiraz and the flashlights were involved but wow that would've cool! The test pretty much proved that two "bags" in the woods searching for a bottle of wine is about as useful a way to test a flashlight as testing pushup bras with jumping jacks. The last indignity thrust upon the flashlights (and us) was dropping them on a little pile of rocks(5 times,rough). Of course the $3 flashlight broke the first time. The rest suvived all 5 drops(whoosie little drops people!). This is a complete waste of flashlights. Show me a flashlight than can still turn on after being buried in the woods under leaves, run over by the riding mower and be taken apart and put back together(sort of) by your average teenager and I'll show you a flashlight worth buying -if you ever see it again. Personally I'm sticking with the $3 light it's just more economical in the long run.
There are some good runner ups for the Waste of Airspace Award. One of my favorites is: I Want That.It's full of things nobody wants like sushi shaped usb ports(I am totally not kidding,they look like those displays in the windows of Chinatown!).California roll or lobstertail sticking out of the side of your computer anyone?I hope they're scratch and sniff too! I'm also fond of Martha Stewart who is currently advertizing things you don't know about Martha plus sponge cake with a suprise. What if the suprise is something we don't know about Martha like she prepares that sponge cake naked!!!Yuck, I would not want to know that!! I'll even throw an infommercial in- the Point and Paint.I have no idea what this product is (because I've been typing away for you all) all I know the only way I'm going to point and paint is if some studly guy from Sherwin Williams(do they have them?) shows up and asks me to point out every thing I want painted and then paints it(without his shirt on preferably). Now thats what I call Point and Paint!!
The Award for the Dumbest Show on earth.
First the title: Shopping Bags . Now, if I was going to name a show I would not imply that the shows stars not only need shopping bags but bags over their heads. The two women hosting are actually very attractive and almost completely stupid (think Jessica Simpson in a 40yr old body). The premise, comparative testing of items we would consider buying and telling us their favorites. Yesterdays items: pushup bras, jog strollers, flashlights and how to choose the right wine (red) for the perfect dinner.
These would seem like great items and useful evaluations, 'seem' being the operative word here. The push up bra was idiotic( I did tape it for my husband though-it's cheaper than real porn flicks). They compared cheap bras to expensive bras. Here's a shock-everyone hated the cheap bras! This was decided by the most important test I use to evaluate a push-up bra-dressing in crappy sweats and jumping up and down to see if my boobs fly out of the bra(hence the taping for hubby). Everyone I know wears a push up bra to aerobics class. Hello people- don't you think there'd be more guys in aerobics class if this was true! Next were the jog strollers. First, I think most women jog to get away from their kids but whatever. This test offered up two really useful suggestions. Make sure you get one that fits in your car(duh?) and always get hand brakes and foot brakes. Now junior doesn't have to roll away because you had to take a drink of water and scratch your nose at the same time while jogging. Of course I'm not sure how you set the foot brake while moving nor do I think anyone wants to add that kind of resistance to their running(aerobic exercise be damned). All strollers have foot brakes otherwise kids would be rolling all over the place and there'd be tons of ads by lawyers claiming to get top dollar for heartbreaking stroller injuries(they'd probably be wearing baby bonnets and bibs so you remember their firm).Next they gave tips on choosing the perfect wine. I must confess, I was in the other room and thought they said "Find the perfect wife for your dinner tonight". I didn't actually watch this segment so I can't make fun of it (hey I was hungry!)but they were testing shiraz which is not exactly rocket science. The last thing they tested was the most unnecessary,flashlights! Now everyone with kids knows you will not see any flashlight you purchase for more than 15 minutes. There's a reason they're usually impulse buys-you're never sure if the kids have taken the one you thought you knew you had. The ladies tested the flashlights by tromping around in the dark woods in their pushup bras with their jogging strollers looking for that bottle of shiraz. Okay, only the shiraz and the flashlights were involved but wow that would've cool! The test pretty much proved that two "bags" in the woods searching for a bottle of wine is about as useful a way to test a flashlight as testing pushup bras with jumping jacks. The last indignity thrust upon the flashlights (and us) was dropping them on a little pile of rocks(5 times,rough). Of course the $3 flashlight broke the first time. The rest suvived all 5 drops(whoosie little drops people!). This is a complete waste of flashlights. Show me a flashlight than can still turn on after being buried in the woods under leaves, run over by the riding mower and be taken apart and put back together(sort of) by your average teenager and I'll show you a flashlight worth buying -if you ever see it again. Personally I'm sticking with the $3 light it's just more economical in the long run.
There are some good runner ups for the Waste of Airspace Award. One of my favorites is: I Want That.It's full of things nobody wants like sushi shaped usb ports(I am totally not kidding,they look like those displays in the windows of Chinatown!).California roll or lobstertail sticking out of the side of your computer anyone?I hope they're scratch and sniff too! I'm also fond of Martha Stewart who is currently advertizing things you don't know about Martha plus sponge cake with a suprise. What if the suprise is something we don't know about Martha like she prepares that sponge cake naked!!!Yuck, I would not want to know that!! I'll even throw an infommercial in- the Point and Paint.I have no idea what this product is (because I've been typing away for you all) all I know the only way I'm going to point and paint is if some studly guy from Sherwin Williams(do they have them?) shows up and asks me to point out every thing I want painted and then paints it(without his shirt on preferably). Now thats what I call Point and Paint!!
Soon to be ... Free!
Whoopee-
Yesterday was my knee check-up! Thanks to A & Em for taking me. Good news, I get to start physical therapy next week. Most people probably would not find cycling on a bike going nowehere staring at a pile weed covered dirt(a little atmosphere please) a plus but hey, it beats watching Tyra Banks slapping a purposely bald Steve Harvey on the back of the head hard enough to make his eyes bug out. If anybody but Tyra(or maybe his wife)had slapped him there would probably be a lawsuit involved.I'm pretty sure people are lining up to be smacked a lot of places by Tyra,most of which cannot be mentioned in this family friendly(almost?) blog!
I still can't drive but EC is about to become head of the teenage chauffer service maybe I'll score him a little cap and a black suit. 'Cause you you know a girl's gotta look fly when she's being toted around town. Plus if he has to wait for me some idiot might decide he's a lurking terrorist and call the FBI. Ooh- EC there's another idea for a senior project(no not the lurking terrorist) :Teen Chauffers. Because everyone wants to ride with anyone but their own teen(nice tagline!). He can add that to other 6 things I mention over and over- of course I think I've never said them before so at least it's new to me everytime! I don't think EC listens to me more than 50% of the time anyway
One last reason I need to get the heck out of here for Physical Therapy-The Birds! No, not the movie running endlessly on the AMC channel(it's not-too bad though) .I'm referring to the insane robin who is attacking hinself in the window of the backdoor. This has been going on for like 3 days! When is the bird brain going to figure out that he's actually jealous of his own buff bird bod! At least it's not against the window by my head-I'd have to crutch it into the next county. Maybe he'll impress some valley girl female and they'll run off to nest at the top of some electrical tower and have two headed babies and sell I can sell the video to Animal Planet!
I can almost hear the cash(I mean change) pouring in. Another great Senior Project for EC! Maybe he can get one of YC's friends ( have some suggestions) to climb the electric tower.
Well I'm off to order a video cam I can fit in tree hole (only a few thousand dollars honey-it's an investment-I swear!)and begin my next career. Ta ta!
Yesterday was my knee check-up! Thanks to A & Em for taking me. Good news, I get to start physical therapy next week. Most people probably would not find cycling on a bike going nowehere staring at a pile weed covered dirt(a little atmosphere please) a plus but hey, it beats watching Tyra Banks slapping a purposely bald Steve Harvey on the back of the head hard enough to make his eyes bug out. If anybody but Tyra(or maybe his wife)had slapped him there would probably be a lawsuit involved.I'm pretty sure people are lining up to be smacked a lot of places by Tyra,most of which cannot be mentioned in this family friendly(almost?) blog!
I still can't drive but EC is about to become head of the teenage chauffer service maybe I'll score him a little cap and a black suit. 'Cause you you know a girl's gotta look fly when she's being toted around town. Plus if he has to wait for me some idiot might decide he's a lurking terrorist and call the FBI. Ooh- EC there's another idea for a senior project(no not the lurking terrorist) :Teen Chauffers. Because everyone wants to ride with anyone but their own teen(nice tagline!). He can add that to other 6 things I mention over and over- of course I think I've never said them before so at least it's new to me everytime! I don't think EC listens to me more than 50% of the time anyway
One last reason I need to get the heck out of here for Physical Therapy-The Birds! No, not the movie running endlessly on the AMC channel(it's not-too bad though) .I'm referring to the insane robin who is attacking hinself in the window of the backdoor. This has been going on for like 3 days! When is the bird brain going to figure out that he's actually jealous of his own buff bird bod! At least it's not against the window by my head-I'd have to crutch it into the next county. Maybe he'll impress some valley girl female and they'll run off to nest at the top of some electrical tower and have two headed babies and sell I can sell the video to Animal Planet!
I can almost hear the cash(I mean change) pouring in. Another great Senior Project for EC! Maybe he can get one of YC's friends ( have some suggestions) to climb the electric tower.
Well I'm off to order a video cam I can fit in tree hole (only a few thousand dollars honey-it's an investment-I swear!)and begin my next career. Ta ta!
Monday, March 24, 2008
Unbelievable Annoyances
GREEN,GReen,green,GrEeN,green,greeN,green,green-ahhhhhh! Save me I can't stand it any more!!! Does anyone have another damn word for saving the earth? Every year catalogs come up with like a hundred freakin' words for the color green but enviromentalists can't come up with any new way to say "won't kill us or anything else on the planet"? What ever happened to energy saving or enviromentally safe(I mean without the the word green in the sentence).
The phrase is almost as annoying as Rachel Ray. I have seen almost no program in the last few days that doesn't talk about it,advertize it,use it! It sort of makes me want to run around the house and turn on all the faucets and lights. Don't worry honey, I'd never do that unless I was trying to collect the life insurance. As usual advertizers have to beat everything to death. Think thin,heart health,staying active. What are we morons? Anybody who doesn't know what to do about any of the these things by now probably doesn't give a crap. I can't believe anybody can have enough to say to put out twelve issues dedicated to out health (for years even)-no wonder nobody knows what they're supposed to keep from kicking off early. Eat nothing ,eat anything, eat only naturally blue things. Exercise constantly but don't overdue it you could drop dead and almost all of us have a mental problem of some kind but there's a pill for that(if you have healthcare). Perhaps we all need to go one of those enema/exercise/mineral bath spas that went out with those wacky Victorians. I can't imagine who doesn't want to go on a vacation that involves enemas-sign me up baby! I suppose someone could always offer a colonoscopy/boot camp/lipo spa. Oh, wait I saw that on FitFoodHomeStyle TV yesterday!It was recommended by Oprah I'm pretty sure!
Just a quick aside. I never again want to hear a gay man utter the phrase it's like "lipsticking the pig" this not a good image to have stuck in my head. I'm going to need Percocet with my vodka to sleep tonight!!.Sorry THEY said it on the TV. Did I mention "they" live in San Francisco in a lavender 1.2 million dollar house with 1 bathroom and a crappy kitchen. And they say the housing markets tanking! Enough rant for one day-I think I'm getting boring being stuck at home.
The phrase is almost as annoying as Rachel Ray. I have seen almost no program in the last few days that doesn't talk about it,advertize it,use it! It sort of makes me want to run around the house and turn on all the faucets and lights. Don't worry honey, I'd never do that unless I was trying to collect the life insurance. As usual advertizers have to beat everything to death. Think thin,heart health,staying active. What are we morons? Anybody who doesn't know what to do about any of the these things by now probably doesn't give a crap. I can't believe anybody can have enough to say to put out twelve issues dedicated to out health (for years even)-no wonder nobody knows what they're supposed to keep from kicking off early. Eat nothing ,eat anything, eat only naturally blue things. Exercise constantly but don't overdue it you could drop dead and almost all of us have a mental problem of some kind but there's a pill for that(if you have healthcare). Perhaps we all need to go one of those enema/exercise/mineral bath spas that went out with those wacky Victorians. I can't imagine who doesn't want to go on a vacation that involves enemas-sign me up baby! I suppose someone could always offer a colonoscopy/boot camp/lipo spa. Oh, wait I saw that on FitFoodHomeStyle TV yesterday!It was recommended by Oprah I'm pretty sure!
Just a quick aside. I never again want to hear a gay man utter the phrase it's like "lipsticking the pig" this not a good image to have stuck in my head. I'm going to need Percocet with my vodka to sleep tonight!!.Sorry THEY said it on the TV. Did I mention "they" live in San Francisco in a lavender 1.2 million dollar house with 1 bathroom and a crappy kitchen. And they say the housing markets tanking! Enough rant for one day-I think I'm getting boring being stuck at home.
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Day 9 Stranded on the Island
Actually I'm not so much stranded as heavily restricted. Now I know how that queen of homemakers (not Rachel Ray people!)and female white collar crime trailblazer Martha Stewart felt with that pesky electronic bracelet on. Of course my leg exerciser requires me to be reclined a minimum of 6 hours daily( some people would seize on this as excuse to eat bonbons and watch Oprah-not I)But it's still hard to find a nice outfit to go with it. Speaking of that, what is with the medical supply design teams? In an era when appliances come in fabu colors like Stem,Pumpkinseed and Gargle(a pale blue with a touch green,duh)how come sick people get to look at the same nasty ass colors that have been around for 50 yrs with the occasional royal blue thrown in. Did anyone tell hospitals that mauve is no longer au courant and that grey and light blue are not the perfect compliments for mauve unless you are trying to induce vomitting for a medical emergency!Sorry to those of you who have notupdated your decor since the 80's-just call it retro! Then there's crutches. Mmm-silver with ugly grey rubber pads or silver with gross flesh colored pads,how's a girl to choose?? Maybe it's incentive to get us off crutches sooner. Anyone who's on crutches realizes that that being on crutches is all the incentive a person needs to get off them.However, my friend S (my ACL tear twin)will be on crutches 4 weeks longer than me (due to a near fracture of her tibia right where they need to attach the ACL)and deserves better choices than flesh or gray. I actually schlepped S to another store for the "more attractive"(are you kidding?) gray rubber (good choice S!)because the flesh was just too disturbing to look at. Now we get to the brace-how 'bout some color people! If you break your arm you can now have 7 different colors of cast wrappings. Cast wrappings that will get written on, start to stink after 3 days and eventually be thrown in the trash. Worse things may happen if you're on out-of-it drugs. Your friends (supporting the phrase "if you take the R out of friends it spells fiends") may color your cast completely black and super glue a wooden panda head to it,but I digress. Braces should come in at least a few color choices or patterns. I mean heck there's a whole bunch of teeny bopper/teenage athletes who are constantly hurting themselves in the pursuit of their parent's Olympic goals who really deserve something cute to wear on the bench. Plus you get to keep your brace. If it were a car or Crocs you'd be picking accesories for it. Maybe when you were done you could even sell it on Ebay(eew yucky!).
I will give credit to the wheel chair industry who is finally making light weight chromacolor wheelchairs that come in such awesome shades I've actually been compelled to compliment people on their wheels! Maybe there's still hope for the rest of the industry.
One last suggestion. Could the orthodontic industry please stop making those disgusting colored rubberbands? If I wanted my kids to have green,orange and black on their teeth I'd feed them spinach,pixie stixs and black jelly beans -and skip the every 6 month dental visits!
Oh yeah- as promisde here's a sentancd typed whl e th elaptop is on the mov e,Unedited! (ya think?)
I will give credit to the wheel chair industry who is finally making light weight chromacolor wheelchairs that come in such awesome shades I've actually been compelled to compliment people on their wheels! Maybe there's still hope for the rest of the industry.
One last suggestion. Could the orthodontic industry please stop making those disgusting colored rubberbands? If I wanted my kids to have green,orange and black on their teeth I'd feed them spinach,pixie stixs and black jelly beans -and skip the every 6 month dental visits!
Oh yeah- as promisde here's a sentancd typed whl e th elaptop is on the mov e,Unedited! (ya think?)
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Success !
Yes, you saw it here first-Loving Husband has agreed to to provide me with the damn TV! I pointed out that he actually spent 5 whole days in the hospital with his (somewhat more serious) kidney operation,while they threw me out the AM after my (somewhat less serious)surgery. I mean I'm not egomaniacal enough to put my surgery on the same level as his -I just want a freakin' TV so that while my leg is going up and down -with no help from me-there is something I can control! besides I'm sure I'm missing valuable episodes of Jerry Springer. Someone out there is sleeping with their sister's standard poodle and his cat has become homicidally jealous and is placing photos of the tryst on the internet, and I want to see it! watching a cat give a dog a beatdown and commit internet black mail is "must see TV".
The children have been very busy building alternate abodes over the last few days. My pioneer husband coerced them into cutting as many trees as possible while I was unable to do anything about it and turn them into small hovels(I mean forts) around the yard. This is wonderful because I was really looking for some new structures to highlight my beautiful gardens(there's nothing up yet-but I'm never one to miss potential)this season. The creation of these forts requires the kids to spend much outside using hammers,saws,axes and tresspassing on people's property (my crazy neighbor behind us) for materials. Said children are between the ages of 10 and 17 so I feel comfortable that they fully appreciate the concentration and safety requirements of using these tools. I did draw the line when one of EC's friends wanted to use the chainsaw "just for a minute". I told him I need a signed notorized document absolving us of any and all liability for any unexpected, wildly bloody carnage which may or may not take place. He was redirected to the kitchen for a serrated bread knife. That pretty much took care of that.
Getting back to the materials of these structures. My children and their friends are building using only recycled,green sustainable materials. Hey, we may have 5 cars ,3 dirtbikes,2 lawn tractors and a motorboat but dammit, the environment matters!(acually it is really important to us-I promise).Anyway one of the components of the huts is bamboo. This is where the tresspassing comes in. The largest stand of bamboo is in the woods behind the house and borders on the crazy witches property behind us.
So they're traipsing around back there cutting down stalks when they see her and her ex cop husband lurking around watching them.Of course the kids freaked-she could snap at any moment-and came running home to tell me. They decided to retrieve the pieces in deep night when it was safer. However for a reason no one actually knows they went back down during the day. Apparently they are all caught up on Jerry Springer behind us,because the kids found her sitting in the a lawn chair amongst the bamboo(now who needs a hobby)! Last I checked people were begging people to dig up,cut,or otherwise eradicate bamboo from their property before it takes over the house and they can't open the doors! I think she was packing heat! Anyway the children emerged unscathed with all their bamboo and continue to build lovely outbuildings around the property.
Tomorrow: I type a whole uncorrected sentence with my laptop moving around!
Stay tuned!
The children have been very busy building alternate abodes over the last few days. My pioneer husband coerced them into cutting as many trees as possible while I was unable to do anything about it and turn them into small hovels(I mean forts) around the yard. This is wonderful because I was really looking for some new structures to highlight my beautiful gardens(there's nothing up yet-but I'm never one to miss potential)this season. The creation of these forts requires the kids to spend much outside using hammers,saws,axes and tresspassing on people's property (my crazy neighbor behind us) for materials. Said children are between the ages of 10 and 17 so I feel comfortable that they fully appreciate the concentration and safety requirements of using these tools. I did draw the line when one of EC's friends wanted to use the chainsaw "just for a minute". I told him I need a signed notorized document absolving us of any and all liability for any unexpected, wildly bloody carnage which may or may not take place. He was redirected to the kitchen for a serrated bread knife. That pretty much took care of that.
Getting back to the materials of these structures. My children and their friends are building using only recycled,green sustainable materials. Hey, we may have 5 cars ,3 dirtbikes,2 lawn tractors and a motorboat but dammit, the environment matters!(acually it is really important to us-I promise).Anyway one of the components of the huts is bamboo. This is where the tresspassing comes in. The largest stand of bamboo is in the woods behind the house and borders on the crazy witches property behind us.
So they're traipsing around back there cutting down stalks when they see her and her ex cop husband lurking around watching them.Of course the kids freaked-she could snap at any moment-and came running home to tell me. They decided to retrieve the pieces in deep night when it was safer. However for a reason no one actually knows they went back down during the day. Apparently they are all caught up on Jerry Springer behind us,because the kids found her sitting in the a lawn chair amongst the bamboo(now who needs a hobby)! Last I checked people were begging people to dig up,cut,or otherwise eradicate bamboo from their property before it takes over the house and they can't open the doors! I think she was packing heat! Anyway the children emerged unscathed with all their bamboo and continue to build lovely outbuildings around the property.
Tomorrow: I type a whole uncorrected sentence with my laptop moving around!
Stay tuned!
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
From the Mouths of Husbands
,j2u Just when I thought I'd figured out how to type with the laptop on the move I hit something that makes that,j2u,(again apparently)come up!!! I think perhaps this is just the challenge I need to while away the hours of boredom hooked up to this machine. I've finally decided that after 5 days I actually miss television. So last night I mention this fact to the love of my life(and the father of my children bless his heart)and here's what he says! He says"You know I would be happy to hook a TV up in this room for you,but I have some concerns." Somehow I was stupid enough to think they had something to do with wiring so I politely asked "what concerns?" What came next was one of the stupidest things he has ever said during the course of our mostly delightful marriage. He said(drumroll,please)"I'm concerned that having a TV will give you less incentive to get up and do stuff around the house." No,he was not hammered-but he needed to be. A., can I borrow your mallet in between kids? Now I realise that I was laying there,pillows under my head eating dinner and being my usual scintillating self and since I always lounge around I can see how he might be concerned. But "gee honey" how can you not notice that I have a huge black(don't these come in a nice floral?)brace on my leg??? And the last time I checked elevating and keeping it iced involved a reclined position. Of course my preferred reclining iced position involves vodka but Percocet will have to do.I will strive to be patient with mt loved one for he knows not what he says. Meanwhile someone better get me a damn TV.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Back on Island Time
Hi Everyone One! This has been one big, sometimes unpleasant adventure. Thanks to everyone who has visited and brought food and CHOCOLATE. I'm also flattered that you all have been checking on my blog everyday and asking me about my next post-however-did any of you people notice that I am hopped up on enough painkillers to actually allow a freight train (or Lindsey Lohan while she's hitting our PECO poles) run me over and not feel it!!?? This makes many things highly amusing but my will to share them only goes as far as to say "wow that would maked a good blo....zzzzzz". So you see my dilemma. I'm also pretty sure during this time anything I typed would have looked like pig latin (actually I checked the translate into pig latin box when I was setting up the blog so if you'd like to read that version,knock yourself out).
Anyway I've cut back on the Percocet(not by choice),I noticed I could see the bottom of the bottle and I have to have a refill ok'd by the doctor. I don't want to look like a woose (how the heck do you spell that?)or a drug addicted suburban housewife(a bad example for the kids)!!
Anyway know that Ive tapered back(boohoo) and all the anethesia has left the building I feel like bloggin' at you all. So I've grabbed my laptop and was all excited to pop it on lap and and start pounding away.That's when I encountered my first problem! As some of you know I'm on this passive motion machine which bends my leg for me. This most of the exercise I'm allowed and I do it 6 hr s a day. They should make one of these for your whole body-you could eat bonbons while you do it! I never realized that when you lift your leg up and down your lap moves back and forth. Consequently the laptop move forward and back,forward and back. This is a little like trying to type with my laptop on a raft in the ocean. I'm still typing pig latin but at least now I have the where withall to fix it(I think-don't pick on me I'm cripped!). I just hope I don't get sea sick!
That's all need vomitting with a brace on my leg-I guarantee you that all those nice people helping me would suddenly need to watch some emergency Animal Planet or go top off the gas tank at the local Wawa!
I will continue to regale you with the amusing anecdotes(special thanks to my family)-which I am unable to prevent, over the next few posts.
Remember "IT is what IT is " on the island!
Anyway I've cut back on the Percocet(not by choice),I noticed I could see the bottom of the bottle and I have to have a refill ok'd by the doctor. I don't want to look like a woose (how the heck do you spell that?)or a drug addicted suburban housewife(a bad example for the kids)!!
Anyway know that Ive tapered back(boohoo) and all the anethesia has left the building I feel like bloggin' at you all. So I've grabbed my laptop and was all excited to pop it on lap and and start pounding away.That's when I encountered my first problem! As some of you know I'm on this passive motion machine which bends my leg for me. This most of the exercise I'm allowed and I do it 6 hr s a day. They should make one of these for your whole body-you could eat bonbons while you do it! I never realized that when you lift your leg up and down your lap moves back and forth. Consequently the laptop move forward and back,forward and back. This is a little like trying to type with my laptop on a raft in the ocean. I'm still typing pig latin but at least now I have the where withall to fix it(I think-don't pick on me I'm cripped!). I just hope I don't get sea sick!
That's all need vomitting with a brace on my leg-I guarantee you that all those nice people helping me would suddenly need to watch some emergency Animal Planet or go top off the gas tank at the local Wawa!
I will continue to regale you with the amusing anecdotes(special thanks to my family)-which I am unable to prevent, over the next few posts.
Remember "IT is what IT is " on the island!
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Knee-Day
Well the day has finally arrived. Tomorrow my husbands fraternity brother(yes,he is a doctor) will cut into my knee,which of course feels pretty good and make it feel pretty bad. I know this is how it's supposed to work. I know the better it feels before they go in the easier the recovery-but jeez I can almost see why people don't get ACL reconstruction done.
Except that I prefer to know my knee will be stable when I have to dodge cars on our personal autobahn to get the mail!
The hospital called and I have be there at 7:15 am. I hope the doc has his coffee because I don't want him dozing off with a drill in his hands. I could end up with all kinds funky, unorthodox piercings (actually they'd just be holes, but I needed a euphemism to make it more palatable). Not to mention I just found out that the heart pumps with enough pressure to shoot your blood 30ft (thanks Mom). Wow, the operating room would look like a Monty Python skit.As long as I don't wake up to "bring out your dead" I'll be happy.
I'm actually more worried about after I get home. Think about this, I am immobilized temporarily and at the mercy of my family!! There's a good chance they'll just shut me out on the porch and forget me-thereby starving me to death!Oh well maybe I'll write book about it called "The ACL Recovery Diet" at least my butt won't get big. Worse than that would be leaving the door open and letting me see all the stuff they aren't doing! Oh- like I can bend over and pick any of it up,won't you all just love that. Maybe they'll turn it into a crutch obstacle course and force me to beat my best time in order to get my next meal(this would be the exercise chapter of the book).
Actually I have a wonderful family who will take good care of me,thanks guys! Thanks Mom & Dad-who are on their way here right now!
And if they don't I'll put it in my blog-ahh the power!!!!
I'm off for a couple of Ketel One Citroens and an exceptionally fattening "last meal". I will not repeat all the eating I did on my birthday I promise!
Please Pray,
Beth
Except that I prefer to know my knee will be stable when I have to dodge cars on our personal autobahn to get the mail!
The hospital called and I have be there at 7:15 am. I hope the doc has his coffee because I don't want him dozing off with a drill in his hands. I could end up with all kinds funky, unorthodox piercings (actually they'd just be holes, but I needed a euphemism to make it more palatable). Not to mention I just found out that the heart pumps with enough pressure to shoot your blood 30ft (thanks Mom). Wow, the operating room would look like a Monty Python skit.As long as I don't wake up to "bring out your dead" I'll be happy.
I'm actually more worried about after I get home. Think about this, I am immobilized temporarily and at the mercy of my family!! There's a good chance they'll just shut me out on the porch and forget me-thereby starving me to death!Oh well maybe I'll write book about it called "The ACL Recovery Diet" at least my butt won't get big. Worse than that would be leaving the door open and letting me see all the stuff they aren't doing! Oh- like I can bend over and pick any of it up,won't you all just love that. Maybe they'll turn it into a crutch obstacle course and force me to beat my best time in order to get my next meal(this would be the exercise chapter of the book).
Actually I have a wonderful family who will take good care of me,thanks guys! Thanks Mom & Dad-who are on their way here right now!
And if they don't I'll put it in my blog-ahh the power!!!!
I'm off for a couple of Ketel One Citroens and an exceptionally fattening "last meal". I will not repeat all the eating I did on my birthday I promise!
Please Pray,
Beth
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Not Too Swift
Yesterday we met with EC's new migraine doctor. She was awesome and left us feeling like their was hope after all, maybe even without drugs(Good grief -a teenager not interested in doing drugs!)which is EC's wish! The only unsettling moment was when she shared with us that she and her mother did CIA boot camp together! I was very impressed-I asked why they did it and she answered "for fun". Now call me an underachiever but CIA boot camp does not sound like something you do for kicks and giggles!! And not with your 60 some year old mom (no offense Ma)! It's also alarming that the CIA lets random old ladies and neurologists come to "camp" security?! So WOW we were a lot impressed and a little scared. As she was describing her experience it became apparent we were not all on the same page. Apparently she was referring to the somewhat less top secret,less strenous Culinary Institute of America boot camp! We should have figured it out since we had just talked about my Culinary Arts degree-but NO(I blame it on daylight savings time).Fortunately we all managed to keep our mouths shut and not say anything that might give away the fact that we were complete idiots!! but as soon as our butts were out that door....
I feel like I've been gypping YC out of blog time. It's not that his life is less interesting (he has a better social life than me!)nor is it dull(there's always something) it's just that I'm having trouble making fun of him. I must say though that his judgement seems to be getting some what more impaired the older he gets. This was evidenced by his appearance at the front door in Saturday's rainstorm. Now you send a kid to friends house when its raining and you expect that they spend the day playing HALO-right? I mean they do this every freakin' sunny day! But alas no,they take this opportunity to creek jump.Obviously YC missed the boat because when he showed up at the door he looked like-well,Erie Dog(although he has considerably more hair on his head.)! Now ,the boy has ONE pair of shoes!!! That ONE pair of shoes costs $60!!! They are the ONLY shoes that don't hurt his feet-this is why I layout that much green for feet that never seem to stop growing(along with the rest of him). This ONE pair of shoes was on his feet when he missed the boat and are now so wet you could keep goldfish in them !!! It is now Tuesday, for those of you who need to use your fingers- 3 DAYS !! They can still be heard sloshing away in the furnace room! No, I will not put them in the dryer-I like my dryer. Okay, well I'd rather have the cherry red LG dryer but I'd have to break the washer too so they'd match. Besides-I can't afford new appliances (maybe PECO can help me out here)I have to buy SHOES!
See maybe I can share more YC than I thought!
I feel like I've been gypping YC out of blog time. It's not that his life is less interesting (he has a better social life than me!)nor is it dull(there's always something) it's just that I'm having trouble making fun of him. I must say though that his judgement seems to be getting some what more impaired the older he gets. This was evidenced by his appearance at the front door in Saturday's rainstorm. Now you send a kid to friends house when its raining and you expect that they spend the day playing HALO-right? I mean they do this every freakin' sunny day! But alas no,they take this opportunity to creek jump.Obviously YC missed the boat because when he showed up at the door he looked like-well,Erie Dog(although he has considerably more hair on his head.)! Now ,the boy has ONE pair of shoes!!! That ONE pair of shoes costs $60!!! They are the ONLY shoes that don't hurt his feet-this is why I layout that much green for feet that never seem to stop growing(along with the rest of him). This ONE pair of shoes was on his feet when he missed the boat and are now so wet you could keep goldfish in them !!! It is now Tuesday, for those of you who need to use your fingers- 3 DAYS !! They can still be heard sloshing away in the furnace room! No, I will not put them in the dryer-I like my dryer. Okay, well I'd rather have the cherry red LG dryer but I'd have to break the washer too so they'd match. Besides-I can't afford new appliances (maybe PECO can help me out here)I have to buy SHOES!
See maybe I can share more YC than I thought!
Sunday, March 9, 2008
Dog Update from the Island
Poor Big Dog (Erie). He stayed outside in the rain for 3 hrs refusing to come in. He was totally soaked and shaking, which looks especially bad on a dog with bald patches ! Kinda like guys with comb-overs in the pool!!! No treats,no begging from us not even Little Dog (Kody) could get him in. Finally a downpour where I swear 1" fell in about 30 seconds sent him scrambling in the back door. Erie's going to need a shot of thorazine and a horse tranquilizer next time we lose power. Oh yeah and when he does get those shots PECO I'm sending the bill to YOU!
On a more festive note we attended the 19TH BIRTHDAY of my friend EMILY last night! Emily is the only person who I know that takes being the Birthday Girl more seriously than me. In fact, she is basically a Birthday Nazi (think soup nazi from Seinfeld this is a light hearted blog,dude). And this birthday was a blowout. We all had so much to be grateful for. Emily had spinal fusion surgery in January for scoliosis and ended up back in the hospital about week later with fluid in her lungs. Now,this operation sucks for everyone, but Emily has Down's Syndrome which has it's own set of challenges. She is truly the bravest girl I know!
Anyway Emily enjoys her birthday at a decibal level that can sometimes only be heard by dogs. I swear that 2 blocks over my dogs (again) were hiding under furniture when she opened the t-shirt with Zach Efron's picture on it! You go girl-work those lungs!! I don't get the Zach Efron thing (I have Boys)but any party with 2 cakes ,tons of presents and your best-friend making sure everyone knows it's "All about YOU" is truly awesome!
The island has returned!!!
On a more festive note we attended the 19TH BIRTHDAY of my friend EMILY last night! Emily is the only person who I know that takes being the Birthday Girl more seriously than me. In fact, she is basically a Birthday Nazi (think soup nazi from Seinfeld this is a light hearted blog,dude). And this birthday was a blowout. We all had so much to be grateful for. Emily had spinal fusion surgery in January for scoliosis and ended up back in the hospital about week later with fluid in her lungs. Now,this operation sucks for everyone, but Emily has Down's Syndrome which has it's own set of challenges. She is truly the bravest girl I know!
Anyway Emily enjoys her birthday at a decibal level that can sometimes only be heard by dogs. I swear that 2 blocks over my dogs (again) were hiding under furniture when she opened the t-shirt with Zach Efron's picture on it! You go girl-work those lungs!! I don't get the Zach Efron thing (I have Boys)but any party with 2 cakes ,tons of presents and your best-friend making sure everyone knows it's "All about YOU" is truly awesome!
The island has returned!!!
Saturday, March 8, 2008
Post from a small village in Russia
Now, I know what you're thinking. She is not in Russia! You know this because my Profile says I live in Pennsylvania. I also have a non-working right ACL which means I am not skiing,which is the only reason I would go to Russia in the first place.
I know I am not in Russia because I have running water, vodka is not considered a legitimate blood thinner (I confirmed this during my pre-op testing) and if a nurse asks the average person which hand is the good one( to not take blood from) they do not answer:" the one I use to hold my vodka"! Alright so I answered that but I couldn't help it, it was too irreverent to go to waste.
But Listen up PECO Energy!!!!!
There is no excuse for the electricity going off everytime it rains like some freakin' third world country. The frequency with which our power goes on off is is on par with the number of DUI's that Lindsey Lohan has racked up (maybe she's driving around drunk hitting our poles!). We are not talking thunderstorms,hurricanes or tornadoes here! We are talking about plain old rain-gentle plant loving rain, rain for singing in, rain that ducks like. Maybe one of your highly skilled technicians needs to screw the covers on the boxes tighter of replace the waterproof seals. Maybe you could just tape a nice plastic bag over the box-that would keep the water out until you geniuses figure out how to fix this!!
I do not wish to pay several hundred dollars every month for half cooked food and carpal tunnel syndrome from resetting the clocks every fifteen minutes! In fact I am going to start sending you some of my bills so you can pay them!
First I'll be sending you my bills for new versions of every appliance you kill with a power surge!
These may include but are not exclusive to plasma TVs, computers and the rechargeable taser I use to keep the kids in line (just kidding I use a hockey stick).
The next bills are from my dog's shrink,cardiologist and regular vet. My poor follicley challenged Norwegian Elkhound (the "elkhound patterned baldness" is not PECO's fault but I'm still pissed) has a heart attack everytime the power goes on and off. Today the beeping and whirring drove the poor dog out the back door into the pouring rain-the dog hates the rain. He's actually been known to hold his pee for 24 hrs rather than go outside in the rain. This will take years of therapy to fix-pretty soon he's going to freak out everytime we turn a lamp off. He already runs when the coffee maker beeps (why 5 times- dude, no one is that asleep!).
My final bill is from the hairdresser who had to fix the mess on my head that happened when I could no longer time how long the dye was on my hair-not everyone looks good with short hair that appears to have been broken off like icicles.
The above things did not actually happen (except the poor dog) but had this been an actual emergency-oh yeah we wouldn't know 'cause the power was off!!!!
WHO MOVED MY ISLAND ^#^**?
WHO MOVED MY ISLAND ^#^**?
Welcome to Russia!!!
Thursday, March 6, 2008
Burning Questions
Apparently I needed a day to recover from the festivities of truly great birthday. Thanks to all who contributed to my 2 hr nap and 4hrs of icing my knee. It was soooo worth it!
Today I've returned and am feeling irreverent and snarky so read on at own risk!
I've come up with a bunch of questions and musings that may of may not require some kind answer. If I've got one I'll share it (aren't you lucky?),if not I'll probably just snark about it.
Here goes!
I'm having ACL replacement surgery next Thursday-WHY can NO ONE figure out if I will be in the hospital over night???? Here's the current breakdown of responses:
Ortho Surgeon- YES (as long as it's less than 23hrs)
Scheduling Sect.- NO (surgeon doesn't like to keep anyone overnight)
Ortho Phys. Asst.- YES
Hospital RN(pre admission)- NO (4-6 hrs max unless my knee explodes or something)
The pre admission nurse suggested that if it made me feel better I could pack an overnite bag in
case I did stay. THIS DOES NOT MAKE ME FEEL ANY BETTER!!! She has lost her mind-how do I know I won't be hanging around in the hall after my surgery while everyone points fingers at everyone else about where the hell I'm supposed to be. Jeez- at least I know we all agree it's the right ACL(just to make sure they write "cut here" in sharpie for the surgeon before he goes in) and who the surgeon is.
Who the surgeon is brings me to a rhetorical question. Should you let one of your husbands frat brother cut into your body (yes he's a real doctor). Especially if your husband suggests a pizza and beer laced reunion in the operating room and the surgeons eyes light up at this thought. I suppose as long as I'm out and no one drops a freakin' pepperoni in the incision ( which will later be I.D.'d as a new meniscus by his lawyers during my malpractice suit) I shouldn"t let this bother me.
Clearly frat brothers leads to teenage males(right?).
EC's friends all show up yesterday to play STREET hockey. They are now all drivers and never miss an opportunity to complain about what people outside the car are doing that is stupid and dangerous. Not to mention their desire to now criticize everyone elses driving! I promptly inform them not to play in our street (4167 th time) due to poor visibility and the fact that an above average number of people seem to think they are in Germany on the Autobahn not Pennsylvania. Helloooo-Do any of you see shnitzel stands on the street corners??? As usual they say "OK" we're headed down toward "G's" house. Now this was not a lie exactly-they walked that way til they thought I couldn't see them (4167 th time) which now places them on the worst curve of the road. BOYS THIS IS NOT BRIGHT (said t00 many times to count)! Gave the "You're drivers now and you would probably run yourselves over if you were driving" speech. Received the classic defensive comebacks- "would not!" and "if we were driving we wouldn't be in the street playing hockey". Not my point -my point is this: If teenage boys can't figure out that they are in danger of being run over how do we think they decide whether they are going to run something over? Where the freak do they keep their brains???(no answer for this).
Last item :Why is Grecian Formula using 2 preteen girls to advertise they're product?
Here's the scenario. Two girls tell Dad "it's time"( for what-the talk, his meds, their period?) and produce a box of hair dye for their old gray Dad. Next things you know Dad's on a date with a hot middle aged woman(hey-they exist!) and the girls are thrilled. Dude, any one who watches Lifetime knows this is not how it goes! This is how it really goes :Dad colors hair, girls go through his stuff to see why. Discover date. Stalk potential mommy dearest and leave dead hamsters in her car. Date puzzles aloud about the hamsters. Dad goes on date -girls poison wine that Dad brings as gift. Date drinks wine-keels over-Daddy is blamed and goes to prison. Girls grow up to be porn stars and blame Dad's murderous ways for their profession. Dad gets religion and parole and saves the girls from a life of debauchery. They live happily ever after on Fantasy Island ! Clearly I've been watching too much CSI Vegas! But you get my drift. Good luck Grecian Formula!
I think I've given you plenty to consider for one day-don't let your brain explode form the effort-you'll just have to clean it up!
Today I've returned and am feeling irreverent and snarky so read on at own risk!
I've come up with a bunch of questions and musings that may of may not require some kind answer. If I've got one I'll share it (aren't you lucky?),if not I'll probably just snark about it.
Here goes!
I'm having ACL replacement surgery next Thursday-WHY can NO ONE figure out if I will be in the hospital over night???? Here's the current breakdown of responses:
Ortho Surgeon- YES (as long as it's less than 23hrs)
Scheduling Sect.- NO (surgeon doesn't like to keep anyone overnight)
Ortho Phys. Asst.- YES
Hospital RN(pre admission)- NO (4-6 hrs max unless my knee explodes or something)
The pre admission nurse suggested that if it made me feel better I could pack an overnite bag in
case I did stay. THIS DOES NOT MAKE ME FEEL ANY BETTER!!! She has lost her mind-how do I know I won't be hanging around in the hall after my surgery while everyone points fingers at everyone else about where the hell I'm supposed to be. Jeez- at least I know we all agree it's the right ACL(just to make sure they write "cut here" in sharpie for the surgeon before he goes in) and who the surgeon is.
Who the surgeon is brings me to a rhetorical question. Should you let one of your husbands frat brother cut into your body (yes he's a real doctor). Especially if your husband suggests a pizza and beer laced reunion in the operating room and the surgeons eyes light up at this thought. I suppose as long as I'm out and no one drops a freakin' pepperoni in the incision ( which will later be I.D.'d as a new meniscus by his lawyers during my malpractice suit) I shouldn"t let this bother me.
Clearly frat brothers leads to teenage males(right?).
EC's friends all show up yesterday to play STREET hockey. They are now all drivers and never miss an opportunity to complain about what people outside the car are doing that is stupid and dangerous. Not to mention their desire to now criticize everyone elses driving! I promptly inform them not to play in our street (4167 th time) due to poor visibility and the fact that an above average number of people seem to think they are in Germany on the Autobahn not Pennsylvania. Helloooo-Do any of you see shnitzel stands on the street corners??? As usual they say "OK" we're headed down toward "G's" house. Now this was not a lie exactly-they walked that way til they thought I couldn't see them (4167 th time) which now places them on the worst curve of the road. BOYS THIS IS NOT BRIGHT (said t00 many times to count)! Gave the "You're drivers now and you would probably run yourselves over if you were driving" speech. Received the classic defensive comebacks- "would not!" and "if we were driving we wouldn't be in the street playing hockey". Not my point -my point is this: If teenage boys can't figure out that they are in danger of being run over how do we think they decide whether they are going to run something over? Where the freak do they keep their brains???(no answer for this).
Last item :Why is Grecian Formula using 2 preteen girls to advertise they're product?
Here's the scenario. Two girls tell Dad "it's time"( for what-the talk, his meds, their period?) and produce a box of hair dye for their old gray Dad. Next things you know Dad's on a date with a hot middle aged woman(hey-they exist!) and the girls are thrilled. Dude, any one who watches Lifetime knows this is not how it goes! This is how it really goes :Dad colors hair, girls go through his stuff to see why. Discover date. Stalk potential mommy dearest and leave dead hamsters in her car. Date puzzles aloud about the hamsters. Dad goes on date -girls poison wine that Dad brings as gift. Date drinks wine-keels over-Daddy is blamed and goes to prison. Girls grow up to be porn stars and blame Dad's murderous ways for their profession. Dad gets religion and parole and saves the girls from a life of debauchery. They live happily ever after on Fantasy Island ! Clearly I've been watching too much CSI Vegas! But you get my drift. Good luck Grecian Formula!
I think I've given you plenty to consider for one day-don't let your brain explode form the effort-you'll just have to clean it up!
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Happy Birthday to Me !!!
I suppose you can tell from the title that I love Birthdays. Think about this-food, flowers, food, cards,food (eaten out),presents and Cake ! You do not have to share this loot with anyone. If you're lucky people cater to your every whim and if they don't you just remind them "Hey it's my birthday". Sometimes if you have enough friends and far away family the festivities can go on for days!!!
Getting older is good too. I mean it-think about if you didn't. Aside from the fact that you would be dead or frozen in time, no one else would get older either. Your kids would never grow up, go to college, come home to live and pretend to look for job while really enjoying the fruits of your labor. Okay so my kids are 11 & 16 so I don't know, but I swear I've heard from reliable sources. Also how would you choose when to stop getting older? You certainly don't know what you might be missing. At 18 you think 30 is old! If I had stopped there I would miss my husband,my kids, my Porsche and years and years of cake & presents. So I recommend embracing the birthday concept (it's like the apocolypse- it's coming anyway-only kidding!) and have a blast. Open those presents ,drink a glass of champagne and enjoy the fact that you're around to drive everyone crazy for another year!
Getting older is good too. I mean it-think about if you didn't. Aside from the fact that you would be dead or frozen in time, no one else would get older either. Your kids would never grow up, go to college, come home to live and pretend to look for job while really enjoying the fruits of your labor. Okay so my kids are 11 & 16 so I don't know, but I swear I've heard from reliable sources. Also how would you choose when to stop getting older? You certainly don't know what you might be missing. At 18 you think 30 is old! If I had stopped there I would miss my husband,my kids, my Porsche and years and years of cake & presents. So I recommend embracing the birthday concept (it's like the apocolypse- it's coming anyway-only kidding!) and have a blast. Open those presents ,drink a glass of champagne and enjoy the fact that you're around to drive everyone crazy for another year!
Monday, March 3, 2008
OOPS
Oops-Mom just pointed out there are no pics out there of the "calamity". We're too technologically challenged to figure out how to get them from the phone to the PC to the blog!
Maybe the crippled, immobile, thus captive EC can assist. We'll keep trying.
Maybe the crippled, immobile, thus captive EC can assist. We'll keep trying.
What Fresh Hell
Wow a ton of s@#$t has happened since yesterday. As usual most of it falls under the heading of What fresh Hell is This ?!.
First the things that do not fall under that heading(at least for me personally, I can't speak for anyone else) at this moment.
GOOD STUFF
The eldest child final got his Learners Permit! He has been 16 since Christmas Eve,but having decided everyone else could cart him around he sat around and played Halo and read about sports on the internet.I know most parents would be thrilled by that ,but Dude we have 5 cars! Do we sound like a family of non-drivers to you?
My husband finished the porch renovation which we've been at for about 6 mos.and it's stunning! Just in time too I'll be sleeping out there after ACL surgery. I bought a lovely red sofa bed which we were actually able to cram through the doorways - after we took the legs off.
Husband and youngest child (YC) are not currently injured. Don't laugh!
FRESH HELL
While shopping for said ACL bedroom furniture with one of my best friends "A" who has had her own pail of doodie hitting the fan lately, another BF, "S" calls my cell. She promptly asked me if this was "the leg in a box club president"? Okay,so if you don't know, when you destroy any part of your knee/leg skiing Ski Patrol whisks you down the mountain where the Medic dudes fit you with a chic cardboard box fastened with packing tape to immobilize your leg. So, as I know "S" has been skiing I know she has a big problem. Yes, she has blown out her knee skiing and is currently trying to figure out how to go to the bathroom without standing on it. At our age hopping when you have to pee is not the ideal option (think Poise). She asks for my crutches which I will not need until after surgery. Her college aged daughter and apparently medical chauffer picked them up last night. They now have their own pail of doodie hitting the fan!
Meanwhile my eldest child(EC) has spent the day dirt biking with 15 of his friends on somebodies 40 acre property(with permission it hasn't gotten that bad yet!). Obviously that falls into someone elses "Fresh Hell" but at least it's not mine. No one is maimed, injured, or otherwise physically damaged(I know it looks like this should go under "Good Things" be patient)! In fact he's not even really dirty and someone else fed him-a bonus! But, here it comes-Dad asks him to help bring the sofa bed in the house.Now the look on EC's face says " I would rather stuff live eels down my pants than help you" and is followed by the super surly teenager look. But he does it anyway. As they are jamming it through the front gate he drops his portion, little bro and Dad still have theirs, then grabs his back. After a moment play resumes and the couch is dragged through the house and set up. Thanks Boys!!!!
Okay here it is-today EC cannot move!!! The back is in full on spasm and he can't even sit up by himself!! See I told you: "Fresh Hell"! He is also 2- yes 2- flights of stairs away from me in his room !! So you see how this is going-since we live in an old house maybe I can find a hole in the floor to drop food and meds down that is right over his bed! Okay, it's a nice house with only little holes where we've run wire for speakers and Halo Live of course. At least I don't have to crutch up and down the stairs which would probably eventually cause me to fall and well you know...
Time to check and see if any new "Fresh Hell" has developed while I've been updating this-
Beth Out.
First the things that do not fall under that heading(at least for me personally, I can't speak for anyone else) at this moment.
GOOD STUFF
The eldest child final got his Learners Permit! He has been 16 since Christmas Eve,but having decided everyone else could cart him around he sat around and played Halo and read about sports on the internet.I know most parents would be thrilled by that ,but Dude we have 5 cars! Do we sound like a family of non-drivers to you?
My husband finished the porch renovation which we've been at for about 6 mos.and it's stunning! Just in time too I'll be sleeping out there after ACL surgery. I bought a lovely red sofa bed which we were actually able to cram through the doorways - after we took the legs off.
Husband and youngest child (YC) are not currently injured. Don't laugh!
FRESH HELL
While shopping for said ACL bedroom furniture with one of my best friends "A" who has had her own pail of doodie hitting the fan lately, another BF, "S" calls my cell. She promptly asked me if this was "the leg in a box club president"? Okay,so if you don't know, when you destroy any part of your knee/leg skiing Ski Patrol whisks you down the mountain where the Medic dudes fit you with a chic cardboard box fastened with packing tape to immobilize your leg. So, as I know "S" has been skiing I know she has a big problem. Yes, she has blown out her knee skiing and is currently trying to figure out how to go to the bathroom without standing on it. At our age hopping when you have to pee is not the ideal option (think Poise). She asks for my crutches which I will not need until after surgery. Her college aged daughter and apparently medical chauffer picked them up last night. They now have their own pail of doodie hitting the fan!
Meanwhile my eldest child(EC) has spent the day dirt biking with 15 of his friends on somebodies 40 acre property(with permission it hasn't gotten that bad yet!). Obviously that falls into someone elses "Fresh Hell" but at least it's not mine. No one is maimed, injured, or otherwise physically damaged(I know it looks like this should go under "Good Things" be patient)! In fact he's not even really dirty and someone else fed him-a bonus! But, here it comes-Dad asks him to help bring the sofa bed in the house.Now the look on EC's face says " I would rather stuff live eels down my pants than help you" and is followed by the super surly teenager look. But he does it anyway. As they are jamming it through the front gate he drops his portion, little bro and Dad still have theirs, then grabs his back. After a moment play resumes and the couch is dragged through the house and set up. Thanks Boys!!!!
Okay here it is-today EC cannot move!!! The back is in full on spasm and he can't even sit up by himself!! See I told you: "Fresh Hell"! He is also 2- yes 2- flights of stairs away from me in his room !! So you see how this is going-since we live in an old house maybe I can find a hole in the floor to drop food and meds down that is right over his bed! Okay, it's a nice house with only little holes where we've run wire for speakers and Halo Live of course. At least I don't have to crutch up and down the stairs which would probably eventually cause me to fall and well you know...
Time to check and see if any new "Fresh Hell" has developed while I've been updating this-
Beth Out.
Sunday, March 2, 2008
Go Big or Go Home
Well today I thought I would share with you how I discovered my new hobby, ACL reconstructive surgery and rehab. I'll even share with you(if I can figure it out) the lovely photos taken by my adoring husband which document my calamity. By the way, I just don't think we use the word calamity enough anymore.
Okay so I finally convince said husband to spend a beautiful perfect day skiing with the ski babe (yes me). We are on our last run and I have been a very good girl all day. I'm a more aggressive skier than him so I decide to go all out-next thing I know there's an older dude below the next ridge. I think I turned to avoid him(no this doesn't make his fault) and I shot over the front of my skis. This was not good! The I look up and my husband standing over me next the older dude asking me if I need ski patrol-HELLO! I thrashed 10 feet, heard the knee pop,the skis didn't release and my knee and leg are not,not moving even though I asked them all nice.
The next thing I know ski patrol is standing there asking me what happened,can I stand and for some obscure reason how old I am. I kind of felt that old woman in the "help I've fallen and I can't get up" ad. This ad campaign is much less funny when it's you. I kind of scrunched up my nose and shared my years with them. Turns out we were all the same age! In the midst of the lively banter my loved one whips out his phone so he can capture a Motorola moment! Thoughtfully the Ski Patrol offers to pose with me(see pics) and they pretend to give me CPR.
This was one of the most touching moments of our nearly 20 yrs.
After loading me into the "sled" while expressing some disappointment that weren't hauling me out of the terrian park so we could take some jumps, we headed down the hill with Jake "my driver for this trip". I warned Jake if he was going to hit a jump with me I wanted to get some real air-none of that virtual air crap. You know-Go Big or Go Home!!
One of the interesting things about being dragged off the hill was being stared at by old and young alike. It's a little being at your own funeral. All these parents are nudging their kids saying stuff like "this is why you wear a helmet" and "look she probably broke everything". What I most wanted to do is pop up like a dead person back to life and yell "BOO!". By dinnertime at someone's house I'm sure I was paralyzed in a horrible ski accident.
On the upside (sort of) when Ski Patrol turned me over to the medics they told them no matter what I said I was 36 yrs old. The next patrol guy who had my hubby and my skis told them I was 26. By the time I was in the building someone had decided I was 22. I prayed I would get out of there before I was younger than my kids!!
The ride home was uneventful as was the arrival home as my kids never stopped playing Halo until I screamed their names and announced I was home and HURT!!! Then they trundled up to ask if I was ok-HELLO my leg was taped into a cardboard box-and disappeared again. The younger one reappeared some time later to ask me what was for dinner. Oh yeah-Squat!Cereal!
After that my husband got me a nice Ketel One Citroen and tonic, ibuprofen and ice and set about making dinner for for the clan-thanks honey.
Happily I was able to get an MRI/XRAY the next day and diagnose my self with completely torn ACL. It was confirmed by my orthopaedist which is a story for another blog. I am awaiting surgery on March 13th.
Okay so I finally convince said husband to spend a beautiful perfect day skiing with the ski babe (yes me). We are on our last run and I have been a very good girl all day. I'm a more aggressive skier than him so I decide to go all out-next thing I know there's an older dude below the next ridge. I think I turned to avoid him(no this doesn't make his fault) and I shot over the front of my skis. This was not good! The I look up and my husband standing over me next the older dude asking me if I need ski patrol-HELLO! I thrashed 10 feet, heard the knee pop,the skis didn't release and my knee and leg are not,not moving even though I asked them all nice.
The next thing I know ski patrol is standing there asking me what happened,can I stand and for some obscure reason how old I am. I kind of felt that old woman in the "help I've fallen and I can't get up" ad. This ad campaign is much less funny when it's you. I kind of scrunched up my nose and shared my years with them. Turns out we were all the same age! In the midst of the lively banter my loved one whips out his phone so he can capture a Motorola moment! Thoughtfully the Ski Patrol offers to pose with me(see pics) and they pretend to give me CPR.
This was one of the most touching moments of our nearly 20 yrs.
After loading me into the "sled" while expressing some disappointment that weren't hauling me out of the terrian park so we could take some jumps, we headed down the hill with Jake "my driver for this trip". I warned Jake if he was going to hit a jump with me I wanted to get some real air-none of that virtual air crap. You know-Go Big or Go Home!!
One of the interesting things about being dragged off the hill was being stared at by old and young alike. It's a little being at your own funeral. All these parents are nudging their kids saying stuff like "this is why you wear a helmet" and "look she probably broke everything". What I most wanted to do is pop up like a dead person back to life and yell "BOO!". By dinnertime at someone's house I'm sure I was paralyzed in a horrible ski accident.
On the upside (sort of) when Ski Patrol turned me over to the medics they told them no matter what I said I was 36 yrs old. The next patrol guy who had my hubby and my skis told them I was 26. By the time I was in the building someone had decided I was 22. I prayed I would get out of there before I was younger than my kids!!
The ride home was uneventful as was the arrival home as my kids never stopped playing Halo until I screamed their names and announced I was home and HURT!!! Then they trundled up to ask if I was ok-HELLO my leg was taped into a cardboard box-and disappeared again. The younger one reappeared some time later to ask me what was for dinner. Oh yeah-Squat!Cereal!
After that my husband got me a nice Ketel One Citroen and tonic, ibuprofen and ice and set about making dinner for for the clan-thanks honey.
Happily I was able to get an MRI/XRAY the next day and diagnose my self with completely torn ACL. It was confirmed by my orthopaedist which is a story for another blog. I am awaiting surgery on March 13th.
Saturday, March 1, 2008
What IT means
Hi-
Welcome to my blog!
Recently my friends and I have been using the phrase" It is what it is" in nearly every conversation we are having(yes the crap is really hitting the fan lately). In this case IT is an explaination of the title of my blog. The blog my Mom encouraged me to do.Apparently I'm going to need some new hobbies-more on this later.
My blog could easily have been called a number of catchy titles with clever references to skiing,gardening or driving or even WHO ATE THE LAST POPTART! However since I will not be doing any of those things for awhile (except asking about the poptarts)I have decided that I will pretend that I'm on a carribean island. Unfortunately that only works when I'm asleep or on my 2nd vodka. As soon as I come back to reality I would like to know WHO MOVED MY ISLAND *#@!!!
The point of my blog is to entertain you and give me something to do while I'm laid up recovering from ACL reconstruction surgery(new hobby). If you're entertained enjoy reading,if not at least I have something to do.
I hope you have fun with it. I know I will.
Welcome to my blog!
Recently my friends and I have been using the phrase" It is what it is" in nearly every conversation we are having(yes the crap is really hitting the fan lately). In this case IT is an explaination of the title of my blog. The blog my Mom encouraged me to do.Apparently I'm going to need some new hobbies-more on this later.
My blog could easily have been called a number of catchy titles with clever references to skiing,gardening or driving or even WHO ATE THE LAST POPTART! However since I will not be doing any of those things for awhile (except asking about the poptarts)I have decided that I will pretend that I'm on a carribean island. Unfortunately that only works when I'm asleep or on my 2nd vodka. As soon as I come back to reality I would like to know WHO MOVED MY ISLAND *#@!!!
The point of my blog is to entertain you and give me something to do while I'm laid up recovering from ACL reconstruction surgery(new hobby). If you're entertained enjoy reading,if not at least I have something to do.
I hope you have fun with it. I know I will.
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