Armed and Vacationing-the American Way

Hi Ya'all-apparently I've been watching too much Paula Dean on the FoodNetwork.
So sorry about my pitiful blogging record. Things have been a bit nuts lately, what with 7 1/2 hrs a week of physical therapy(it's working!), going back to my gardening job and EC's ongoing migraine saga(I'm spending more damn time at the High school than he is!!) I barely have time to clean the house- let alone shower or write my blog. I may almost see the light at the end of the tunnel (all though it's currently obscured by a whole lot of rain) in the form of a much needed vacation at the end of June. For some reason I agreed to load into a camper(a vacation?) with my husband and 2 children and drive around some of our beautiful western states. Until I read Audubon magazine in the allergist's office today I was feeling pretty good about the whole thing. National Parks are safe wholesome place-right? WRONG ! Apparently some senator, along with the NRA has decided that National Parks are no longer safe for "unarmed tourists". Go figure, all the problems in the world and some idiotsenator(maybe this could be a new word like"vainglorious"-I saw in US News-I swear) from Oklahoma decides that someones freakin' rights are being violated because they can't shoot the camper next to them whose playing the theme from 'Deliverance' all night while drinking grain alchohol from the bottle. Can you imagine, since the 1930's we've managed to survive in our National Parks with no weapons other than a barbeque fork and a spouse that snores (this seems to repel more people than the fork). Now the NRA says," Hey,we need to be able to shoot things- just in case". In case what? In case a wild, drug addled crack dealer cruises up in his armored $300,000 RV and tries to take the camper? Dude, he can have it-I'll probably give him the family too depending on how far into the "vacation" we are. Think about this- other than guys who kill for kicks and giggles (found apparently mostly in Oklahoma and on TV ) what reason would anyone have to bother a bunch of people who have barely showered, not shaved and spent all their money on gas for a vehicle that's main claim to fame is you can crap while you roll ?!? We can only hope this bill will not succeed, but just in case, as soon as we pick up the RV we're heading straight to GunsandAmmo-R-Us (a.k.a. the nearest Walmart) to pick up a nice flamethrower. Even if we never have to defend ourselves at least we can have one hell of a barbeque with our trusty fork!

Redneckville

It's cold and raining and I'm in a crappy ass mood. I'm not quite ready to eat my young but just wait 'til I get back from driving to and from Philadelphia in the rain at rush hour.
EC spent Saturday night at friends house and woke up the next day to go to Maple Grove Raceway to watch the drag races (Hey- it's classier the demolition derby I should know we've been there-twice!). This little field trip to Redneckville was probably inevitable since we've rented a camper to roam the west this summer. Soon he'll be hitting up Nascar and lawn tractor racing. Maybe he'll even start watching the The Fishing Channel. If he buys himself a John Deere trucker hat I'm staging an intervention ! Actually we've always talked about going to the drag races as a family-all that burning rubber and testosterone would be a great bonding experience. You know we're all about cars so stop laughing (now)! EC said he had a great time but now I'm pretty sure we're in big trouble. It was High School Drag Day. I guess parents would rather have their kids on the track than the local industrial strip. As you know we like to have the police involved in our entertainment so this is one probably not something we would have had the brains to orchestrate(Dude, someone has to make sure our taxes are used!). Unfortunately EC noted that one kid had the same Honda Si we have. What a comforting moment when Mr Motor Head announced that our little Si would do a 14.2 sec quarter mile(secretly-I love this!!). I can't wait 'til he gets his license, trips to the store will take about 2 minutes including shopping ! At least we'll keep the police busy.

The Secret

Have you ever noticed how important it is for people to say things without actually saying what they really mean? For example: last night I say to Hubby,"If you're so inclined the dishwasher is empty". Of course this means ," Why the hell can't you ever just open the dishwasher and load it !" But because I pointed it out nicely(and probably because I had gone out and bought his adminstrative assistant flowers that day) I achieved the desired end result or so I thought. As is customary, I said "Thanks for doing the dishwasher honey" to which he replied, "You're welcome. I didn't do it all though-I only did the obvious ones." To this I have to wonder-how the freak do you define the obvious dishes? Are they the ones he can see (note:get eye exam) all dirty dishes were carefully stacked (by hubby I might add) in the sink? Are they the ones that look really dirty, can I just put the clean looking ones a back in the cabinet? Perhaps they are the dishes that you don't have to rearrange anything in the machine to fit them in?After some brain swirling contemplation, I came to realize is that the obvious dishes were the ones he got to before he didn't feel like doing anymore. Which was just fine and he could have just said that-of course I could've just said," Why the hell can't you ever just open the dishwasher and load it." But that's not nice and I wouldn't have gotten what I wanted(ever again probably). So here is my advice(you can take it or leave it*): Never say what you really mean unless it's nice-This is the secret to staying married ( that and for us, not wanting to give up any cars in the custody battle) . You only need to say just enough to get the job done.
*-translates loosely to "If you don't like my advice I'll just add you to my voodoo doll collection-that's not sciatica in your left leg,dude!

Happy Earth Day !

Thanks to the wonderful illustration on Google I can safely (and on time) wish you a Happy Earth Day. I'm thinking Google could make this function really useful if only it were a tad more personalized. Maybe we could enter all our family occasions into a file and every day a picture completely related to our lives would appear. Imagine, caricatures of relatives doing their favorite things like wiping their hands on their pants when they eat barbequed chicken or mouthing the words "you forgot again slacker"to remind you it's their birthday.It doesn't give you any time to get a card in the mail but hell-thats what free hallmark e-cards are for-use them (Dude- there's my Earth Day tip for a better world),attach a box of chocolates if you feel really guilty! On holidays you could customize the drawings to reflect how your family really experiences them. For Christmas, a picture of the 18 foot tree falling over just after decorating(I still say we could've taken a couple more feet),for Easter a basket with nothing but black jelly beans and a chocolate bunny with it's head eaten off(cause we all know that Easter has nothing to do with Jesus,just like Christmas). Thanksgiving for my family could show a melee of xrays and mri's from seasons past and maybe a little bottle of oxycontin. The changing of the seasons could be more interesting too. Instead of the lovely seashore scene with it's little seashells and umbrella they could put something more frequently seen. How about a fat guy wearing nothing but small shorts(you know the one who always looks naked and never looks like Brad Pitt) riding a John Deere mower and chugging a Miller Lite. I guarantee more people equate this image with the start of summer than ever see a day at the beach(think the Mid West,people!). How about for the start of winter a bunch of people keeled over with their snow shovels sticking out of the last pile they tried to pick up before their heart attack(this could double as a health warning) or for city dwellers art work showing moving the lawn chair(or recliner) from the front porch to the parking space in front of their rowhouse(for Philadelphians only). Fall wouldn't even need a picture just a full volume audio of leaf blowers. Spring could feature a box of tissues and several local allergist phone numbers. You could even mark divorce dates and breakups with great little vignettes of your exes being run over by turf mowers or getting re-relationshiped with a chimpanzee. The possibilities are limited only in your own(or my)twisted mind.
So Happy Earth Day and remember -no trees, paper or pens were harmed in the writing of this blog-only the english lanquage was butchered.
As an aside, do you think Google is going to steal this idea and then hit me up for royalties? Hmmmm...

Good Clean Fun

Good clean fun is the perfect way to cap off a perfect summery spring day. Now in most houses good clean fun involves maybe running thru the sprinkler,a nice game of monopoly or jumping on the trampoline until someone goes flying off and breaks a tooth. But here at the the Exton Home for Wayward Boys we like to kick it up a notch. Well maybe it was a few notches, but it was educational,I swear.
First of all I need say that I never knew that you could buy dry ice at the grocery store. Leave it to teenage boys to know this though. And they know this why? Because you can blow things up with dry ice that's why! It's also why you have to be 18 to buy it so they had to hang around and ask people to buy them dry ice(at least they're not hanging around the liquor store trying to get some idiot to buy them a fifth of rotgut). Had I known just how much fun we would have I'd have gladly gotten it for them!!! Of course,there's the obvious fun,dry ice is a blast because when you put it in water it boils and puts out bubbles that look like pingpong balls. If you put it in your stream it creates a foggy cascade and more bubbles! I put it in my giant urn fountain and it looked like bubble,bubble,toil and trouble-awesome. However, I am off the point slightly,to remind you- you can blow things up with it! And blow things up we did!!! Actually it's very cool(no pun intended) you put some dry ice in a plastic bottle,fill it with water and screw the lid on nice and tight. Then you either throw it or leave it there and run like hell. It is absolutely crucial to take cover or get very far away after this step .If you do it right, pretty soon the plastic bottle starts to expand and crackle. Then if it has a label the label pops off and then it flat out explodes. We are not talking the top blows off,we are talking vaporization (if it goes really well) or at the very least the plastic shards roll up like curling ribbon. The sound is incredibly loud. My neighbors can clearly attest to this because of course someone called the cops( it was only a matter of time). Now granted the noise was alarming but it's amazing what else people will assume is going on. Apparently there was underrage drinking,guns and bombs!!! So as we have set up the last icebomb in a diet tonic bottle our friendly neighborhood officers arrive. Personally I thought we'd met them all but no,here were two new ones! They ask one of the kids-the one hiding in the previously built bamboo structure-what he's doing. Of course like all good teenageres he tells them and then invites them into the yard. Of course he's hiding-we all are-so the officers politely decline(duh).Meanwhile Hubby cranks up the chipper shredder and pretends not to hear or see the police. It's not like they were unexpected-I mean we were clearly having to much educational fun! Finally he decides to talk to them(we know our rights dude!). All this time the bottle has not yet exploded. Now the problem with this is that just because it's been 15 min doesn't mean it won't blow up when you go over to check it. So of course the boys begin to fling things at it (making it even more entertaining). Most of the items miss and the cops continue to stand in the driveway with Hubby discussing the benefits of shooting it with a BB gun. Finally someone throws a log and the thing blows up in a big way. The lid and a curl of plastic is all that's left! The officers are duly impressed and able to confirm that we are indeed gun-free and there are no laws against dry ice and water. They also kindly requested that next time we provide some sort of legitimate crime( I swear!) like snorting cocaine off the center line of the road(not likely-it's the freakin' Exton Autobahn out there,none of the kids have jobs and Hubby would never spend that kind of cash on a non-investment!) or actual underage drinking. Apparently the fact that they spend a lovely afternoon wandering our yard and enjoying educational excitement makes them feel guilty. They are no doubt forbidden to have fun on the job. After inquiring about where to buy dry ice they hightailed it off with smiles on their faces to look for real criminals. Leaving us wondering what the heck we would do for the rest of the afternoon for excitement!

Still on Island Time

For all of you who were worried-I have not floated away,the island has not gone up in some colossal volcanic eruption and I have not sold out to some bottled water company. I'm still here, muddling through the day to day routine of endlessly dull chores which, when I couldn't do them I wished I could. Now that I can, all I want to do is avoid them(thus I shall begin blogging again). Go figure!

Driving is going surprisingly well. I only occasionally jam on the brakes with my left foot and send loose items ricochetting off the windshield. The potential for flying objects in the cabin keeps the kids on their toes (and under their seats). Helmets would help but where's the fun in that? Actually I'm using all my feet the way they are supposed to be used and I'm thinking of trying the stick shift this week(just when you thought it was safe to go out!).

Thanks to illnesses and migraines(theirs),I've been spending quality time with the children. They are finding out so many new things about their Mom. For instance, YC discovered that I'm secretly mesmerized by belly dancing exercise videos. Maybe you've seen them on FITtv between the Food Network and HGTV. I can't seem to switch channels if one of these programs is on. It could be the music or the outfits
or the unnatural undulation of their bellies. Whatever it is it makes me want to try it(after the knee heals). I cannot tell you how excited this idea made the children. When I told them EC gasped in horror and YC tried to get out of the vehicle while it was moving. So you can see they saw the potential in it. I'm not sure what they think my belly dancing will mean for them. It's not like I'm going to put on some harem pants and a bra with coins and jingle off to do the grocery shopping. Undulating thru the produce aisle is just asking for trouble, what with melons and all. All I need is some old guy asking me if I got my cucumber yet! I did suggest that maybe I could cook a meal or two in my outfit, although bare skin and hot olive oil seems like a bad idea(most of the time). Perhaps they were afraid I might actually belly dance my way across the stage at their high school graduations (my idea)to celebrate the end of free schooling. They should know better, the Husband would never let me celebrate paying for something we used to get free. However, if I charged for my belly dancing appearance hmmm........
I'm not sure taking belly dancing lessons is really in my future but I just love watching the kids faces when I rattle off the multiple ways I could use this skill to mortify them-ah the power! Plus the little finger cymbals would be great for trapping the burgeoning herd of stinkbugs in the house without actually crushing them and stinking the joint up. Such a useful and multipurpose exercise program may be too good to pass up-I'll keep you all posted.

Driving Crazy

Yesterday I officially rejoined the wide world of the driving(of course my Dr didn't say I could-but what's a girl to without wheels) and drove myself to physical therapy. I did this because as much as I enjoy having EC cart me about town he has stay every time I go to therapy. This takes 1 1/2 hrs of time which doesn't technically involve him ! I will say that the therapists seem to enjoy having him crutch around,talk about sports (go Sixers, go Flyers, suck it up Phillies)and throw tennis balls around. I kept thinking that some poor rehabber was going be innocently exercising and take a ball to the head,thereby negating all of their prior PT and giving them a whole new ailment to work on! This did not seem to bother any of therapists(odd) though they did draw the line at his playing hockey using my crutches and the tennis ball. At that point they took everything away from him and made him stand in the corner. He actually seemed to enjoy this last form of entertainment. Staring at the wall is very Zen apparently.
After the torture of having my leg folded toward my butt(I'm pretty sure I didn't need this skill before the accident)which was not a Zen experience I still managed to drive myself home.
About my driving.Personally, I would not recommend attempting to drink any type of beverage while I'm driving. The whole braking with the left foot is just a tad unpredictable and could result in flying refreshments at any moment. Also it is a good idea to secure all belongings on the floor as they may shift(or become airborne) while in transit. Seat belts are also a must and I apologize in advance for those pesky strap bruises. My last piece of advice; use those grab handles that's what they are there for-now you know it's not just for driving with teens.
Bolstered by my highly successful trip to rehab I decided to terrorize the mall. When YC got home from school I took him to get new sneakers. You might recall the previous pair were destroyed in the great flood/creek jump. Since he was no longer allowed to come to school in socks, I was given no choice but to provide new footwear. The trip started well. I found a space right up front at the entrance which was closest to the store and successfully maneuvered my crutches to the door.After reteaching YC the fine art of holding the door open(the trick being not to walk thru it before the person you're holding it for does) we ambled(sort of) to Journeys store.
After much deliberation a pair of $60 sneakers was chosen. That was when we discovered the Journey was going to be ours. The very conservative young man with pink and blonde hair informed us that the store for kids with big feet(aka adult size) was at the other side of the mall! This left me wondering whether YC was as strong as he looked and whether he could be utilized as a form of transportation like one of those motorized coolers(minus the beer). The good news was I able to successfully crutch through the mall and only almost tripped once. Luckily YC made me feel so much better about nearly falling when he told me if I had fallen he would've picked me up after he stopped laughing. What a great kid! Thankfully the rest of the excursion was uneventful and involved cookies!
So now you know to keep those eyes open for the for the blonde in the green SUV who's braking like she's got a tremor-just switch lanes(quickly)and go on your merry way. I'll get where I'm going eventually and the roads will will be safe again-if only for the time it takes me to buy milk. Look out WaWa!